Rough Draft Advice? Forum

[PDX4343]

Edited to remove personal details.

[cavalier1138]

I think it's actually a fascinating jumping off point for a personal statement that I'd never have thought of. So that in mind, a couple of first impressions:

-Humor. I can see points where it's just about to break through, and I think you may have been scared of being funny. Be funny. There's the potential for a really solid, laugh-out-loud joke when you get to your height, so don't shy away from that.

-You need to spend a little more time on the "why law school" bit. You get there so abruptly that it feels jarring on the page. I know this is just your "nuts and bolts" version of your final PS, but you definitely need to flesh that idea out a bit more. Also, do you need to be an attorney to be a sports agent? If not, you'll need to explain why you think the JD is something you want.

-Related to that, this can be longer. You don't want these things to run on, but your main issue right now is that the statement is extremely choppy. Don't be afraid to relax into the story and guide the reader on your journey. The ad comm reading this might never get to talk to you face-to-face, so your personal statement needs to be their window into your thoughts and feelings. Really take them along for that.

But all that said, I think it's a really solid start. I would never have thought that basketball would lead to anything but a generic or weak personal statement, but I really think it's a good topic for you, based on what you've shown so far.

[PDX4343]

I think it's actually a fascinating jumping off point for a personal statement that I'd never have thought of. So that in mind, a couple of first impressions:

-Humor. I can see points where it's just about to break through, and I think you may have been scared of being funny. Be funny. There's the potential for a really solid, laugh-out-loud joke when you get to your height, so don't shy away from that.

-You need to spend a little more time on the "why law school" bit. You get there so abruptly that it feels jarring on the page. I know this is just your "nuts and bolts" version of your final PS, but you definitely need to flesh that idea out a bit more. Also, do you need to be an attorney to be a sports agent? If not, you'll need to explain why you think the JD is something you want.

-Related to that, this can be longer. You don't want these things to run on, but your main issue right now is that the statement is extremely choppy. Don't be afraid to relax into the story and guide the reader on your journey. The ad comm reading this might never get to talk to you face-to-face, so your personal statement needs to be their window into your thoughts and feelings. Really take them along for that.

But all that said, I think it's a really solid start. I would never have thought that basketball would lead to anything but a generic or weak personal statement, but I really think it's a good topic for you, based on what you've shown so far.

Thank you! I really appreciate the advice, and I'll definitely be taking it into consideration as I continue to refine this thing.

[34iplaw]

Touching also off what the other person said...this is all my opinion too and I don't have experience as an adcom person so take it with a grain of salt! I like the overall idea... and I'm a fan of expounding on the mundane. If you are going to be creative, varied sentence structure is your friend and critical IMO. If you use somewhat poetic or overly emphatic language, an abrupt and short sentence will stick out very sharply. This can be used for humor or to say something important or to totally shift directions. Basically, it is an effective way to get your reader to really pay attention to a specific sentence. I don't know if the opposite is quite as effective [which is sort of what happened with your punchline]...short and the joke is in a sort of long winded sentence.

I agree that there could be a way to sort of include some humor, and your opening lends itself to it. Personally, I would sort of limit humor to the start and get a bit serious after. Humor can serve as very effective punctuation. I wouldn't do something corny, but I think biting humor could be good. Another way to make it clear that it is supposed to be somewhat humorous would be by a somewhat unusual [or just an abrupt shift] sentence structure. Given how your first paragraph is somewhat poetic and longwinded [not a bad thing ... I actually like it ... just stylistically is how it reads], it may benefit to restructure it a little or tie your current vertical ineptitude to when you were a child.

[PDX4343]

-------ANALYSIS------

This is really, really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to go through this. I used most of what you said as refining points for my next draft. I actually have another draft done now, which I just updated my original posting with. I would love to get your feedback on that as well if you're able to. Obviously, no pressure though. If you're writing a PS right now and are interested in getting a second set of eyes on it, feel free to shoot me that in a PM as well. Thanks again.

[34iplaw]

-------ANALYSIS------

This is really, really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to go through this. I used most of what you said as refining points for my next draft. I actually have another draft done now, which I just updated my original posting with. I would love to get your feedback on that as well if you're able to. Obviously, no pressure though. If you're writing a PS right now and are interested in getting a second set of eyes on it, feel free to shoot me that in a PM as well. Thanks again.

No problem. I'll keep that in mind and appreciate it... mine is in a really rough stage right now... as in I'm in the sort of write before I go to bed and don't think about it too much stage.

I'm more than glad to look at it, and I'm more than glad to do so in the future. Just keep in mind to retain your own voice and factor in the fact that I am really just [at least in my mind] a good writer. Some of my suggestions may just be based on how I write. I typically avoid anything that seems grammatically dubious. I may not get to other statements/revisions quite as quickly or promptly. I was a bit too worn to do real LSAT prep today, and this sort of has kept my mind on law school stuff for the day. I know very little about the minds of adcoms.

I had probably a bit more lengthier version of all of this typed [finished in word and just spacing it quickly but I think it is as long], but my browser crashed. It'll have all of what I did before but, hopefully, will be more concise [apparently not]. I'll use the same sort of notation rules as I did previously and try to do anything that is a sort of overall point at the end. I’d also keep every version of your draft barring minor grammatical stuff. Any serious changes of structure or content should be kept.

At some point, I would also ignore it for a few days, and, before you read it again, rewrite it without looking at the statement or focusing on using the same structure/language. You may come up with something new/better in how to structure it. This isn’t a swipe at your statement, but I think it is an effective method with creative writing to approach your writing more critically and possibly find better phrasing/wording/etc. It’s hard to come up with something new with the statement in your face. Also, let me know if you want to delete any posts at any point so this isn’t archived here if that’s a concern.

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[PDX4343]

Wow thanks again. You've really been a huge help. I'll certainly take what you've said into consideration as I continue to make revisions. Appreciate it.


ETA: I've copied your comments to a separate document I'm working from. So if you wouldn't mind editing out any direct quotes from my PS when you get the chance that would be great.

[34iplaw]

Wow thanks again. You've really been a huge help. I'll certainly take what you've said into consideration as I continue to make revisions. Appreciate it.


ETA: I've copied your comments to a separate document I'm working from. So if you wouldn't mind editing out any direct quotes from my PS when you get the chance that would be great.

No problem. Good luck with it. Feel free to contact me about it. I just removed the stuff, but let me know if I missed anything.

[PDX4343]

Looks like you got it all. Thanks again, I'll keep that in mind.