Anyone with spare time please take a look at my PS Forum

[Dr.Degrees_Cr.Cash]

All,

I'm trying to get a Personal PS, but I'm not sure if this is evocative enough. Also I need to cut a little and if anyone has advice on general prose I'm open to it as well. Thanks:

I’m not entirely sure when my fascination with the Great Recession became a passion, but I’m positive my friends all know the exact day. I discussed the events of the crisis so much around my undergraduate roommates that having me explain the role derivatives played in the crisis to visitors became an inside joke among them.


Whatever the case, I’m certain that my hometown shaped my connection with the financial crisis. Growing up in [State affected by crisis], no one could say they were completely sheltered from the devastating effects of the housing market crash. The area I lived in saw housing prices fall to fifty percent of their pre crisis values, and unemployment in our tourism focused city rose to twelve percent. My family was lucky to have lived in the same house for twenty years and never refinanced, but there were certainly tough conversations about finances, and many of our close friends lost homes and jobs. My personal experience with the financial crisis could have been much harsher, but I was definitely made more aware of the intimate affect financial markets had on my life than most fourteen year olds before me.


My relative separation from the crisis afforded me the luxury of curiosity during a time when many could only manage sorrow. I began asking nightly questions about the news that played during each dinner. My parents tried diligently to answer, but a nurse and an electrical engineer only knew so much about complicated derivative vehicles. When their knowledge faltered, I turned to documentaries and books. I consumed liberal and conservative views equally, hoping to find objectivity in my own combination of the two. I came to see that the free flow of capital has given rise to more innovation by humans in the last five hundred years than in human history preceding it, but also the danger and inherent risk of relying on humanity’s self interest to drive growth.


I concluded that all people benefit from a healthy system of regulation governing financial markets, but I still had to determine what constituted said healthy system. I quickly realized that knowledge was far outside of the realm of a sixteen year old watching documentaries and reading best sellers in his spare time. To answer that question, especially to the intellectual level required to effect change, would require an intimate knowledge of financial markets and an even more intimate study of the law. I was still determined to come to a sensible conclusion, even if it would take the better part of a decade to complete. With that in mind I sat up one night my junior year and tore a sheet of canary yellow paper from a legal pad. At the top of the page I scrawled the words: “How to become a Financial Lawyer”, below that I bulleted: “Straight A’s at [Undergrad], Graduate in 3 years, 170+ on the LSAT, and Get into a top law school”.


That piece of paper only lasted one year,I threw it away while packing for college. In that year I learned that I needed more than just three characteristics to become the person I wanted to be. I never did forget the drive that list represented though. My goal in my undergraduate classes was to obtain what I believed was a comprehensive prerequisite knowledge of the sector and securities I hope to regulate. I constantly made and updated a tentative class schedule based on class availabilities to ensure that I would be able to graduate in three years while still excelling in my classes and leaving enough time to fully prepare for the LSAT. I originally intended to graduate in three years to start law school as soon as possible, however this goal proved even more valuable when I decided in 2015 to delay Law School for two years to become a Certified Public Accountant. I felt more comfortable delaying my dream knowing that I was in a position to further increase my knowledge base and financial market credentials while still entering law school at the average age for most law schools.


When I was sixteen the world provided me with a goal to leave a positive mark on this world. Everything I have done has been in pursuit of my goal, and every subsequent inspection of my life has made me more certain that I am on my right path. I hope that with your help I can embark on the next and most important stage on my journey towards making the world a better place for all who are affected by the global financial sector.

[Mr. Archer]

It sounds like you want to go to school for a Phd in economics or finance and/or be a policy advisor.

[Dr.Degrees_Cr.Cash]

It sounds like you want to go to school for a Phd in economics or finance and/or be a policy advisor.

I considered it, but I'd rather be doing the legal side. I would like to do either criminal prosecution or litigation with a regulatory body. Policy advisor might be something I would consider long term, but I think I'm just as likely to get there with a law degree.

Would you suggest I change something to make it more obvious I want to go into law?

[kellyfrost]

I don't think you need any major changes or revisions. Just review it with a fine tooth comb, and massage it until it flows how you want it to flow.

You aren't far from a finished product here.

[Phil Brooks]

You are talking about your LSAT preparation and graduating from college (yes, in three years) as if they are major accomplishments. No offense, but everyone has to do this in order to go to law school. The admissions officers know what your LSAT score is and they know that you graduated in three years from other parts of your application. You don't need to discuss them in such detail, or at all, in your persona statement. Replace these parts with a concrete explanation of how being a lawyer, rather than a PhD in Economics, would help you.

Also, I couldn't help role my eyes every time you used the word "dream." Really, it is your dream to learn about derivatives?

Finally, this might be unfair, but I got a real vibe of "The people in my town who had their lives ruined by the crisis were interesting data points in my noble quest to learn about economics. Thankfully my nurse- and electrical engineer parents were smart enough not to refinance." You talk vaguely about "effect[ing] change." If you are sincere about that, and didn't just include it in there as a throwaway line, then elaborate on what kind of change you want to effect. It would mitigate the detached intellectual vibe that is there now.

[lymenheimer]

There was something throwing me off about your writing the first time I read it through. I figured out what it is and have tried to pull it into light below.

First paragraph is vaguely interesting. Can be better rephrased.


Second paragraph is a decent background to your PS.


This kind of removes your connection to the crisis (as you speak in paragraph 2), but still helps to open up your story, perhaps Paragraphs 2 and 3 can be combined to create the background.

~I have not removed sentences in the following 2 paragraphs. I have only removed the phrases that distracted from my initial confusion~

I concluded, but I still had to determine. I quickly realized. To answer that question, especially to the intellectual level required to effect change, would require an intimate knowledge of financial markets and an even more intimate study of the law. I was still determined. I sat up one night. I scrawled the words, below that I bulleted.

I threw it away. I learned. I never did forget. My goal in my undergraduate classes was to obtain what I believed was a comprehensive prerequisite knowledge of the sector and securities I hope to regulate. I constantly made and updated. I originally intended, however I decided. I felt.

~If it is not clear what I find off about this, it is the fact that you are telling a lot and using the phrase "I did ___" in almost every single sentence and with minimal variation. The extraneous phrases help distract from this, but not enough to hide it completely. It also comes out worse in the former paragraph than in the latter, and I think that's because of the way you better blend into the phrases in the latter. I am not sure how to remedy this in the way you tell your story, but I wanted to point it out.~

Pretty bold conclusion. I'd just make sure that it reflects how law school can fit these goals, as I, too, see how you'd be better off with an econ PhD or something not JD related.

[Phil Brooks]

All,

I'm trying to get a Personal PS, but I'm not sure if this is evocative enough. Also I need to cut a little and if anyone has advice on general prose I'm open to it as well. Thanks:

I’m not entirely sure when my fascination with the Great Recession became a passion, but I’m positive my friends all know the exact day. I discussed the events of the crisis so much around my undergraduate roommates that having me explain the role derivatives played in the crisis to visitors became an inside joke among them.


Whatever the case, I’m certain that my hometown shaped my connection with the financial crisis. Growing up in [State affected by crisis], no one could say they were completely sheltered from the devastating effects of the housing market crash. The area I lived in saw housing prices fall to fifty percent of their pre crisis values, and unemployment in our tourism focused city rose to twelve percent. My family was lucky to have lived in the same house for twenty years and never refinanced, but there were certainly tough conversations about finances, and many of our close friends lost homes and jobs. My personal experience with the financial crisis could have been much harsher, but I was definitely made more aware of the intimate affect financial markets had on my life than most fourteen year olds before me.


My relative separation from the crisis afforded me the luxury of curiosity during a time when many could only manage sorrow. I began asking nightly questions about the news that played during each dinner. My parents tried diligently to answer, but a nurse and an electrical engineer only knew so much about complicated derivative vehicles. When their knowledge faltered, I turned to documentaries and books. I consumed liberal and conservative views equally, hoping to find objectivity in my own combination of the two. I came to see that the free flow of capital has given rise to more innovation by humans in the last five hundred years than in human history preceding it, but also the danger and inherent risk of relying on humanity’s self interest to drive growth.


I concluded that all people benefit from a healthy system of regulation governing financial markets, but I still had to determine what constituted said healthy system. I quickly realized that knowledge was far outside of the realm of a sixteen year old watching documentaries and reading best sellers in his spare time. To answer that question, especially to the intellectual level required to effect change, would require an intimate knowledge of financial markets and an even more intimate study of the law. I was still determined to come to a sensible conclusion, even if it would take the better part of a decade to complete. With that in mind I sat up one night my junior year and tore a sheet of canary yellow paper from a legal pad. At the top of the page I scrawled the words: “How to become a Financial Lawyer”, below that I bulleted: “Straight A’s at [Undergrad], Graduate in 3 years, 170+ on the LSAT, and Get into a top law school”.


That piece of paper only lasted one year,I threw it away while packing for college. In that year I learned that I needed more than just three characteristics to become the person I wanted to be. I never did forget the drive that list represented though. My goal in my undergraduate classes was to obtain what I believed was a comprehensive prerequisite knowledge of the sector and securities I hope to regulate. I constantly made and updated a tentative class schedule based on class availabilities to ensure that I would be able to graduate in three years while still excelling in my classes and leaving enough time to fully prepare for the LSAT. I originally intended to graduate in three years to start law school as soon as possible, however this goal proved even more valuable when I decided in 2015 to delay Law School for two years to become a Certified Public Accountant. I felt more comfortable delaying my dream knowing that I was in a position to further increase my knowledge base and financial market credentials while still entering law school at the average age for most law schools.


When I was sixteen the world provided me with a goal to leave a positive mark on this world. Everything I have done has been in pursuit of my goal, and every subsequent inspection of my life has made me more certain that I am on my right path. I hope that with your help I can embark on the next and most important stage on my journey towards making the world a better place for all who are affected by the global financial sector.

Yeah I mean, most K-JD statements end with something naieve, but this is particularly suspect. The most likely outcome for a law student interested in financial markets will be that they end up working in the capital markets practice of a BigLaw firm, which entails helping big companies issue debt and equity. Not exactly "making the world a better place."

Again, the adcomm might give you a pass because you're K-JD, but for someone who purports to know so much about the economic side of the financial sector, you should make clear that you also know something about the legal side of the financial sector too.

[Procyon]

I think it's unbalanced. It's unadvisable to spend three quarters of the statement on your pre-college buildup to that interest in financial regulation. One concise paragraph is all you need here.

I'm sure you have college-level academic accomplishments and relevant professional experiences since graduation. Those would make for a far more compelling narrative because this essay should showcase your intellectual transformation. To write that properly, you should describe how you grappled with those topics as an adult. At the moment, your climax is that you took special care in balancing a topical rigorous course load with preparations for the LSAT. For some reason, you're paving over the specifics of your college and post-college years. This approach almost certainly obscures your strengths.

[Mr. Archer]

I think you should consider all the substantive feedback everyone else is giving. However, you are not close to a finished product and this needs more than polishing. The reason I said it looks like you really want a PhD is because you spend more time telling about interest in law school than showing how your passion is connected to law school. That's why it's just as easy to see this as a personal statement for an application to a different grad school. Statements that you wanted to study for the LSAT and go to law school are really throw-away phrases. Everyone who goes to law school studies for the LSAT and then applies to law school.

Also, it doesn't matter to me that you planned to finish college in three years to go to law school. You didn't do that, so you don't need to mention it. I also think that makes the next paragraph largely irrelevant. The last part of that paragraph also contains awkward phrasing.

As someone else said, you spend a lot of time discussing pre-college information. That section sounds a little hokey to me but maybe other people wouldn't mind. If you've been a certified public accountant for two years, I would think you could focus more on that aspect of your life. You could possibly shorten the pre-college and then tie-in the accountant years more than you did by explaining that it reaffirmed how you should be more on the legal/regulatory side of things than the number-crunching side. Again, don't just state this. Show this. Maybe you worked for a small business during that time that was screwed over by poor regulations and you want to make a change because of it.

As someone else mentioned, you also start a lot of sentences with "I". Those sentences tell the reader something instead of showing. They also affect the flow of your writing so that it's just statements back to back instead of a story that flows.

[Dr.Degrees_Cr.Cash]

I think you should consider all the substantive feedback everyone else is giving. However, you are not close to a finished product and this needs more than polishing. The reason I said it looks like you really want a PhD is because you spend more time telling about interest in law school than showing how your passion is connected to law school. That's why it's just as easy to see this as a personal statement for an application to a different grad school. Statements that you wanted to study for the LSAT and go to law school are really throw-away phrases. Everyone who goes to law school studies for the LSAT and then applies to law school.

Also, it doesn't matter to me that you planned to finish college in three years to go to law school. You didn't do that, so you don't need to mention it. I also think that makes the next paragraph largely irrelevant. The last part of that paragraph also contains awkward phrasing.

As someone else said, you spend a lot of time discussing pre-college information. That section sounds a little hokey to me but maybe other people wouldn't mind. If you've been a certified public accountant for two years, I would think you could focus more on that aspect of your life. You could possibly shorten the pre-college and then tie-in the accountant years more than you did by explaining that it reaffirmed how you should be more on the legal/regulatory side of things than the number-crunching side. Again, don't just state this. Show this. Maybe you worked for a small business during that time that was screwed over by poor regulations and you want to make a change because of it.

As someone else mentioned, you also start a lot of sentences with "I". Those sentences tell the reader something instead of showing. They also affect the flow of your writing so that it's just statements back to back instead of a story that flows.

Don't think I'm not taking these comments to heart. I knew there was something wrong with it, and I'm glad to have third parties pinpoint the issues I couldn't see specifically. At least all the changes seem doable. This far out from September I'm just happy that it seems my premise is workable

[TripleM]

Made some suggested edits. I think you have potential here, but this is definitely just a starting point. One thing it lack for me is a real personal connection. I get that you were fascinated by the GR but what drove that? Was it sorrow at seeing a friend's family lose their house? Was it a fear that your own family might be swept up? There's a link missing between the fascination and the event.

I’m not entirely sure when my fascination with the Great Recession became a passion, but I’m positive my friends all know the exact day. (This is weird to me. If they're sure of the exact day, why not ask them? Chances are that one of the two statements in this sentence are patently false. I get that it's not meant literally, but it doesn't really serve any purpose here.) I discussed the events of the crisis so much that having me explain the role derivatives played in the crisis to visitors became an inside joke among my roommates.


I’m certain that my hometown shaped my connection with the financial crisis. In (state), where I grew up, no one was completely sheltered from the devastating effects of the housing market crash. The area I lived in saw housing prices fall to fifty percent of their pre crisis values, and unemployment in our tourism focused city rose to twelve percent. My family was lucky to have lived in the same house for twenty years and never refinanced, but there were certainly tough conversations about finances, and many of our close friends lost homes and jobs. My personal experience with the financial crisis could have been much harsher, but I was definitely made more aware of the intimate affect financial markets had on my life than most fourteen year olds before me. (Maybe true, maybe not. There were a lot of kids affected by financial markets during the depression. More importantly, I don't think this was a generational experience, as the sentence suggests. I think this is more a representation of your individual passion.)


My relative separation from the crisis afforded me the luxury of curiosity during a time when many could only manage sorrow. I began asking nightly questions about the newscasts that played during dinner. My parents tried to answer, but a nurse and an electrical engineer only knew so much about complicated derivative vehicles. When their knowledge faltered, I turned to documentaries and books. I consumed liberal and conservative views equally, hoping to find objectivity in my own combination of the two. I came to see that the free flow of capital has given rise to more innovation by humans in the last five hundred years than in human history preceding it, but also the danger and inherent risk of relying on humanity’s self interest to drive growth.


I concluded that all people benefit from a healthy system of regulation governing financial markets, but I still had to determine what constituted said healthy system. I quickly realized that knowledge was far outside of the realm of a sixteen year old watching documentaries and reading best sellers in his spare time. To answer that question, especially to the intellectual level required to effect change, would require an intimate knowledge of financial markets and an even more intimate study of the law. I was still determined to come to a sensible conclusion, even if it would take the better part of a decade to complete. With that in mind I sat up one night my junior year and tore a sheet of canary yellow paper from a legal pad. At the top of the page I scrawled the words: “How to become a Financial Lawyer”, below that I bulleted: “Straight A’s at [Undergrad], Graduate in 3 years, 170+ on the LSAT, and Get into a top law school”.


That piece of paper only lasted one year,I threw it away while packing for college. In that year I learned that I needed more than just three characteristics to become the person I wanted to be. I never did forget the drive that list represented though. My goal in my undergraduate classes was to obtain what I believed was a comprehensive prerequisite knowledge of the sector and securities I hope to regulate. I constantly made and updated a tentative class schedule based on class availabilities to ensure that I would be able to graduate in three years while still excelling in my classes and leaving enough time to fully prepare for the LSAT. I originally intended to graduate in three years to start law school as soon as possible, however this goal proved even more valuable when I decided in 2015 to delay Law School for two years to become a Certified Public Accountant. I felt more comfortable delaying my dream knowing that I was in a position to further increase my knowledge base and financial market credentials while still entering law school at the average age for most law schools.


When I was sixteen the world provided me with a goal to leave a positive mark on this world (Not sure how?... I think you set a goal.). Everything I have done has been in pursuit of my goal, and every subsequent inspection of my life has made me more certain that I am on my right path. I hope that with your help I can embark on the next and most important stage on my journey towards making the world a better place for all who are affected by the global financial sector.

[Alive97]

I'd also consider making it say more about YOU. The main thrust of your PS as I'm reading it is that you want to be involved in financial regulation. In terms of discussing your qualities/what distinguishes you, what I'm seeing so far is that you have significant drive to get where you want to go, and you've been going on that specific path as part of a master plan for a long time. You may want to develop that theme, or add more to it. Overall I would devote more space to selling yourself.