PS PLEASE CRITIQUE!! Forum

[mhassan72]

hh

[galadriel3019]

To be honest I felt pretty conflicted reading your essay. The start made me feel it was going to be a tale of hardship, and so there was a definite pause when it was revealed that you were waiting outside so you could collect an expensive pair of shoes. I'm not saying a tale of hardship is required, but your introduction had me going in that direction a bit. The concept of failure in regards to not getting the shoe you want could be a bit of a turn off for a reader.

While this is certainly a unique hobby, I think you could do a better job of striking the right balance between sharing your hobby, and showing why this makes you a unique candidate. There was a little too much information on how expensive and rare the shoes were. I was left wanting to see more concretely how your passion has made you who you are, and how this informs your interest in the law. You talk about this passion making you more mature, tell us in what ways.

I'm not saying your essay has to be totally about why you want to be a lawyer. But your piece could be improved by expanding on the logistical and networking skills you had to hone. Your passion certainly shines through, I just think it's about organizing it in the essay a little differently. If you are currently working on a personal statement for next cycle, you have plenty of time to hone this essay or write a different one. Keep up the brainstorming!

[BasilHallward]

+1. Keep brainstorming. This does very little to answer "why a legal education?"

There is nothing wrong with growing up well-heeled (not that you did), but "86 pairs," overcoming failure, and achieving your goals… If this is all you have, then fine, milk the shit out of it. But, you have to be craftier and get to the "why law school?" part faster.

Edit: Accidental "submit"

[mhassan72]

To be honest I felt pretty conflicted reading your essay. The start made me feel it was going to be a tale of hardship, and so there was a definite pause when it was revealed that you were waiting outside so you could collect an expensive pair of shoes. I'm not saying a tale of hardship is required, but your introduction had me going in that direction a bit. The concept of failure in regards to not getting the shoe you want could be a bit of a turn off for a reader.

While this is certainly a unique hobby, I think you could do a better job of striking the right balance between sharing your hobby, and showing why this makes you a unique candidate. There was a little too much information on how expensive and rare the shoes were. I was left wanting to see more concretely how your passion has made you who you are, and how this informs your interest in the law. You talk about this passion making you more mature, tell us in what ways.

I'm not saying your essay has to be totally about why you want to be a lawyer. But your piece could be improved by expanding on the logistical and networking skills you had to hone. Your passion certainly shines through, I just think it's about organizing it in the essay a little differently. If you are currently working on a personal statement for next cycle, you have plenty of time to hone this essay or write a different one. Keep up the brainstorming!

One of my biggest fears while writing about this topic was that I was not going to be able to get the reader to side with me on the challenge of being a collector. This is the problem with this topic, but it is one that I really wanted to write about, which is why I went with it. Appreciate your feedback thank you very much

[mhassan72]

+1. Keep brainstorming. This does very little to answer "why a legal education?"

There is nothing wrong with growing up well-heeled (not that you did), but "86 pairs," overcoming failure, and achieving your goals… If this is all you have, then fine, milk the shit out of it. But, you have to be craftier and get to the "why law school?" part faster.

Edit: Accidental "submit"

]Yea im probably going to scrap this topic, luckily I have another more interesting essay, I was just hoping I'd be able to show case a unique hobby that developed some of my better abilities. Appreciate your response.

[galadriel3019]

To be honest I felt pretty conflicted reading your essay. The start made me feel it was going to be a tale of hardship, and so there was a definite pause when it was revealed that you were waiting outside so you could collect an expensive pair of shoes. I'm not saying a tale of hardship is required, but your introduction had me going in that direction a bit. The concept of failure in regards to not getting the shoe you want could be a bit of a turn off for a reader.

While this is certainly a unique hobby, I think you could do a better job of striking the right balance between sharing your hobby, and showing why this makes you a unique candidate. There was a little too much information on how expensive and rare the shoes were. I was left wanting to see more concretely how your passion has made you who you are, and how this informs your interest in the law. You talk about this passion making you more mature, tell us in what ways.

I'm not saying your essay has to be totally about why you want to be a lawyer. But your piece could be improved by expanding on the logistical and networking skills you had to hone. Your passion certainly shines through, I just think it's about organizing it in the essay a little differently. If you are currently working on a personal statement for next cycle, you have plenty of time to hone this essay or write a different one. Keep up the brainstorming!

One of my biggest fears while writing about this topic was that I was not going to be able to get the reader to side with me on the challenge of being a collector. This is the problem with this topic, but it is one that I really wanted to write about, which is why I went with it. Appreciate your feedback thank you very much

I don't think you totally have to scrap this idea. You just need to set the scene differently. As is I would advise you didn't submit this, but if you were to re-write this essay about what being a collector has taught you, and how this connects to your legal interests, it could be an interesting read. Or you can totally scrap this essay. I just wanted to be clear that I don't thing writing about being a collector is a total no go. The issue is not: getting the reader to side with you about how hard it is being a collector, I can believe that. It just has to be done carefully

[datenginedatcould]

I would strongly encourage you to re-think this topic. It comes off pretty superficial and bland. However, maybe you can twist it. Did you ever negotiate as a collector? Are there any aggressive strategies you developed? I'm thinking this could be warped into a piece about an interest for litigation or some other aggressive legal career.