PS Feedback Please!! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Deleted

[galadriel3019]

I found your narrative to be really compelling. Keeping in mind that this is a rough draft, I think the biggest piece of feedback I have is to tie in "why law school". I know you mentioned the business law class early on, but I think hitting the point home at the end of the essay (creating a strong conclusion to stay in the mind of the reader) would really help you. You are telling a story of perseverance and overcoming obstacles, now underscore how that will fuel you as a law student. Depending on how you edit, admittedly it doesn't have to the in the conclusion, but I think your essay would be helped by discussing how your experience makes you a strong candidate.

[IWantT6]

Agreed. Definitely need to tie it back in at the end about how this correlates to law school. Otherwise, just some minor touch ups and you're good to go!

[chickensoup1234]

Nice draft! Keep in mind that the PS is about you; maybe you can try to think about reworking the bit about your dad. See if you can cut it down/weave it into your narrative in a tighter way.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you guys! It's a relief to hear I'm doing something right after so many failed attempts. I know it's a bit rough around the edges but I'm working on the wording and making it flow a bit better. I also want to tie in law school or try to wrap it up at the end with a bit more infor about how this is going to affect my future/law school.

The only thing I'm having trouble with is the part about my dad. I do feel like at this point, there is a lot of info about him and I can see how I need to tone it down and add more about myself, but I feel like everything I have written is critical to understanding the concept of the PS. Any ideas on how I can add more or what I should take out? Thanks again for all the feedback, I truly appreciate it!

[IWantT6]

Thank you guys! It's a relief to hear I'm doing something right after so many failed attempts. I know it's a bit rough around the edges but I'm working on the wording and making it flow a bit better. I also want to tie in law school or try to wrap it up at the end with a bit more infor about how this is going to affect my future/law school.

The only thing I'm having trouble with is the part about my dad. I do feel like at this point, there is a lot of info about him and I can see how I need to tone it down and add more about myself, but I feel like everything I have written is critical to understanding the concept of the PS. Any ideas on how I can add more or what I should take out? Thanks again for all the feedback, I truly appreciate it!

I think you just need to add more about yourself, not necessarily take out the parts about him. I think if you inject a little about yourself in the middle, and then maybe tie it back at the end, saying how this will affect law school. I know you said, "I learned from the determination..." at the end but add a little bit more. Tell us how this is going to affect your future success in law school, maybe what you want to achieve. Something along those lines that is important to you and easily connects to the story.

[Anonymous User]

I have made some minor revisions and tried to add a little bit more to the conclusion to tie it back together. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

I found your narrative to be really compelling. Keeping in mind that this is a rough draft, I think the biggest piece of feedback I have is to tie in "why law school". I know you mentioned the business law class early on, but I think hitting the point home at the end of the essay (creating a strong conclusion to stay in the mind of the reader) would really help you. You are telling a story of perseverance and overcoming obstacles, now underscore how that will fuel you as a law student. Depending on how you edit, admittedly it doesn't have to the in the conclusion, but I think your essay would be helped by discussing how your experience makes you a strong candidate.

I don't know if I have fully done this in the conclusion. I'm not sure if I should directly say, "and this will make me the best law student," or not.

Nice draft! Keep in mind that the PS is about you; maybe you can try to think about reworking the bit about your dad. See if you can cut it down/weave it into your narrative in a tighter way.

I didn't take too much about him out but I tried to tie it in better and add more about myself. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanks again!

[Anonymous User]

Deleted

[Supercalifragilistic]

I really like your story and themes, I think you have a great start! I think it could be more clear about "why law." Why do you want to become a lawyer or what do you hope to get out of law school? Is it just the only subject you found interesting while in school? Maybe play up how your professor inspired you or how what you learned so far fits with other aspirations you have for impacting the world, etc. Were there struggles you faced with your parents that knowledge of business law would have been useful? Was this still your major when you went back to school?

Showing your perseverance w/ overcoming adversity and going back to school is really compelling. As a reader, I want to really feel your strength come through.. which you clearly have. I think the background about the bakery and your father's journey could me more concise. There are a lot of things you detail to get to the point, but what are the most important? It kinda sounds like a listing of facts instead of a flowing narrative. I would personally want to see more imagery of some of the really intense moments, to really put the reader in your shoes. Maybe smells of the bakery or the chills of Chicago's winter. Make the reader care.

I'm also slightly confused about your parents business vs. your dad's full-time job being the main source of income.

[galadriel3019]

I have made some minor revisions and tried to add a little bit more to the conclusion to tie it back together. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanks.

I found your narrative to be really compelling. Keeping in mind that this is a rough draft, I think the biggest piece of feedback I have is to tie in "why law school". I know you mentioned the business law class early on, but I think hitting the point home at the end of the essay (creating a strong conclusion to stay in the mind of the reader) would really help you. You are telling a story of perseverance and overcoming obstacles, now underscore how that will fuel you as a law student. Depending on how you edit, admittedly it doesn't have to the in the conclusion, but I think your essay would be helped by discussing how your experience makes you a strong candidate.

I don't know if I have fully done this in the conclusion. I'm not sure if I should directly say, "and this will make me the best law student," or not.

Nice draft! Keep in mind that the PS is about you; maybe you can try to think about reworking the bit about your dad. See if you can cut it down/weave it into your narrative in a tighter way.

I didn't take too much about him out but I tried to tie it in better and add more about myself. Please let me know what you guys think. Thanks again!

I think your more recent draft has a stronger conclusion. You do a better job of tying together HOW your life experiences have changed you. Showing how you are a changed person helps address how this will help you in law school. It's up to you whether you directly say it, but I do think your conclusion is stronger now. Nice job.

[vested]

Be sure to give this a thorough edit before submitting. For instance, "dads" in the third paragraph needs an apostrophe, and there are other little tweaks/typos to correct. I agree with others that there is likely an eloquent one liner you could add in the last paragraph to tie it all together. Also, I agree that your dad losing his engineering income doesn't obviously fit with your theme of your parents owning a small business, as described here, so you might add a qualifier to explain that. (ie, elaborate on the nature of the business a bit more--can probably be clarified with just a few words, like calling it a side business or explaining that your mother was mainly responsible for it).