Personal Statement Second Attempt Forum

[TakeItToTrial]

I posted my PS on here a couple weeks ago and received mixed reviews. Drawing inspiration from the examples on The University of Chicago's website, I took a slightly different approach with this draft. I am looking for any general feedback, but I also have a couple specific questions.

My questions:

Is my PS too similar to the one from which I gleaned the structure? It's the second statement contained in the link below. Our stories are similar (although his is a lot cooler than mine) but I thought that I developed my own voice.

http://www.law.uchicago.edu/alumni/maga ... irownwords

Am I making too much of this accomplishment? Should I scrap the football premise and take an approach that highlights my academic success?

How does this compare to the PS I posted previously? Link below.

http://top-law-schools.com/forums/viewt ... 8&t=260074

What, if anything, could I add? I have 52 words remaining till quota.


Some background info: LSAT 160 (retaking in October) LSAC G.P.A. 3.52. I am aiming for a top 30 school but might take a shot at a T14 if I can pull it together on this next LSAT.

Thanks in advance.


Football workouts began soon after I arrived at Central Washington University. As I walked into the field house on the first day of winter conditioning, I was placed in a group with the other walk-on hopefuls. There were approximately twenty-five other new faces in our group, each with a similar look of defiant determination.

After the first few winter workouts, it became clear that I was physically overmatched by many of my competitors, even though I had been training in anticipation of this opportunity for almost two years during my time at junior college. Disillusioned and disheartened, I called my father and explained how I was frustrated with my inability to court the attention of the coaching staff. He suggested that I stop comparing myself to the competition in terms of strength, size, or speed, and instead attempt to stand out using my strong mental grasp of the game and its principles, all while exhibiting maximum hustle and effort at every opportunity. This was the defining moment in my attempt to make a college football team.

From that day forward, I approached the game with the same mentality as I did my academic classes; I became a student of football. After practice, I would alternate between reading philosophy texts and reviewing my playbook. I began to diagram new defensive concepts and pour over practice film from the day before, critiquing my own performance while trying to identify weaknesses of my competitors. I even used Youtube as a resource, watching game film of star NFL safeties and attempting to mimic their technique.

During position meetings, I began to impress the defensive backs coach with my ability break down formations and identify offensive tendencies. While other players stumbled over their words during film review, I spoke with assurance. My revamped approach to mental preparation also helped bolster my physical confidence, and soon I was competing at my full potential. At the end of spring football, I was thrilled to be one of two players, from the original pool of twenty-five, to be offered a roster spot on the team. I continued this approach to mental preparation and was awarded Scout Team Player of the Year after intercepting the starting offense twelve times in practice during the course of the season. I also worked my way into a role on kickoff coverage.

To my dismay, I was cut from the team even after having a strong first year. Our head coach was fired just before the season in a controversial funds management scandal. When the new coach arrived shortly after the season, many of our position coaches were replaced as well. Several players, including myself, were let go by the incoming staff shortly after the transition.

Thus, I never fulfilled my dream of becoming a college football star, but I will always be grateful for the values instilled in me by the game of football. Accountability, discipline, and determination are required of any football player, especially a walk-on. I will strive to transfer these values into my efforts at law school. The disciplined and detailed approach to mental preparation that won me a spot on the CWU football team is the same approach I will take as an attorney on behalf of my clients.

In the past, I have risen to the occasion when presented with challenges. I pursued a walk-on opportunity with a competitive football program because I wanted to play in a challenging environment that would encourage me to make the most out of my talent. It is in the same vein that I am pursuing admission to the Washington School of Law. I am seeking legal education at the University of Washington because it provides a unique combination of knowledgeable faculty, abundant academic resources, and unparalleled access to the Northwest legal job market. I hope you will see my potential as the coaches at Central Washington University did.

[jfiaff]

Your last paragraph seems disingenuous. You could have sent a nearly identical statement to 20 other schools saying how you want to attend [insert law school here] because of their faculty, academic resources, and access to [insert legal market here]. If you want to tailor the statement to a specific school, you should try to come up with more specific reasons why you want to attend that school.

[TakeItToTrial]

Your last paragraph seems disingenuous. You could have sent a nearly identical statement to 20 other schools saying how you want to attend [insert law school here] because of their faculty, academic resources, and access to [insert legal market here]. If you want to tailor the statement to a specific school, you should try to come up with more specific reasons why you want to attend that school.

Thanks. I'll try to make it sound more authentic. Maybe this is where I could draw from my remaining words.

[vested]

I found the story to be pretty compelling, but think that you could make a stronger law tie in. The statement definitely shows your dedication and preparedness, but did you also learn something from the end result--not making the team? I think you should find a way to connect the challenge of being cut to your law school ambitions or maybe soften the language/details around being cut, if that's not really important or relevant.

[galadriel3019]

In addition to the points above, I would consider shortening the paragraph about why you didn't ultimately make the team. You could you use the space saved elsewhere-such as explaining why X law school or whatever. Breaking down a coaches change and the fallout was a tad distracting, because I loved hearing about what you learned from the experience, how it made you who you are.