Can you guys please give me feedback?! Forum

[mm89]

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[cbbinnyc]

You need to find one point of focus and write about that. This feels very scattered, doesn't have a center. Definitely don't write about anything pre-college. At first, I thought this would be an essay that centered around your relationship with the piano, in which case maybe talking about your initial discovery of the piano when you were a child might be ok. However, you barely touch on the piano before moving on to being 11 and wanting to be a scientist (I wanted to be the benevolent monarch of my own country called "Kingsland" when I was 11).

Long story short, start over, giving yourself a narrow focus on something that happened during college, ideally something that will directly or indirectly shed light on why you are pursuing a law degree. After reading this essay, the reader will have the sense that you have no idea what you want to do. You can be a scientist without making it your career? I'm not sure what that means exactly. You don't want to study law "simply" to be a lawyer? Ok, but that doesn't sound like a very convincing argument to make to an admissions committee. You say that going to law school is the first step to accomplishing your lofty goals, but you never make it clear why that is. You want to get a law degree so you can make college tuition more affordable?

ETA: Oops, didn't mean to quote you.

[holymolyoly]

deleted

[mm89]

Don’t take this too personally.

“My teacher, whom I find out is a former lawyer”
Former lawyer→ lawyer. Not all lawyers practice (ie. most of your future law professors), but they are still lawyers.

The bit about the piano playing really underwhelmed me. As someone who has been playing piano for about 15 years, I understand where you’re coming from, but there is so much room for expansion with your explanation and I’m not sure if it’s your writing style, but that whole bit comes off as little insincere.

Overall, the transitions in the essay are jerky and at times and difficult to follow. I would also scrap the first paragraph because it doesn’t at all connect with the rest of the essay. Additionally, I would delve deeper into one topic or emphasize that you do have lasting interests. It makes you look like a dilettante when you jump from interest to interest without truly becoming invested in anything. That is not an aspect I would choose to highlight in a personal statement. I understand your intent may be to show that you have many interests, but if you really want to pursue this route, I would approach it as a sort of personal development story rather than a conglomerate of random things you’ve been interested in.

Not at all, thanks for all of the feedback. I honestly have been hitting my head against the wall trying to come up with something and this is the first draft ever, so I wasn't expecting it to be a slam dunk whatsoever. I just honestly feel like I have no direction.

Ok so would you suggest expanding on one of my topics? Or just completely starting over?