Need PS Advice and Feedback! Please help! Forum

[The Patriot12]

This is my personal statement. I am telling a story of what led to the realization of my goal, and how I overcame the obstacles I faced. I need any and all feedback on how I can improve it. Please comment! All advice and criticism is appreciated!
_____________________________________________
I raised my right hand. Standing at attention, I said, “I, _________, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies…so help me God.” An uncontrollable smile came across my face as I walked out of the room, realizing the significance of what took place. I had just been sworn in to the United States Army. This was the proudest day of my life. My childhood dream that I had worked so hard for was now a reality. However, all of the blood and sweat I had shed, and the pain and suffering I had endured to get to this point would be for nothing, as this dream would soon turn into a nightmare.
The day was September 11, 2001. I was sitting in my fifth grade class; contemplating what activities I would participate in during the upcoming recess. The door opened as my teacher walked in with a desolate look on her face. She gathered the class together and explained that two airplanes, hijacked by terrorists, were flown into the World Trade Centers in New York City, killing a vast amount of people. As she explained the magnitude of this incident, I remember praying for the families of those killed and cursing the fanatics, in a way only a fifth grader could, that harmed innocent Americans. At ten years old, this was the moment that I developed an unconditional love for the United States, the flag, and my fellow countrymen. Inside me, a fire was ignited that catalyzed a burning desire to protect the weak and defenseless—a desire that would turn into a ten-year-old (fifth grade) boy’s dream. This quest would provide me with the traits necessary to achieve success in the military, as well as my future endeavor to attend law school.
Nearly eight years later, as high school came to an end, I had a decision to make—pursue my goal and enlist in the Army, or accept an offer I was given to play college soccer and attain my degree. I opted for the latter. I had dedicated my life to soccer since the ripe age of four, a period where I learned the value of leadership, teamwork, and determination, developed a superlative drive to succeed, and forged a tenacious work ethic, attributes that were imperative for winning the 2005 Texas State Championship and maturing into the man I am today. I had worked my way, from the lowest division, to the top echelon in youth soccer, eventually captaining my club and high school teams. Furthermore, recognizing my passion for soccer, my parents, hesitant about me serving as an enlisted soldier in such a perilous time, suggested that I take this opportunity to hone my skills to better serve me in the military and utilize my athletic prowess as a means to receive an education, subsequently joining the Army as an officer. While I enjoyed being a collegiate athlete, the longing to become a soldier still resided within me, the call to duty beckoned for me to answer it, like a siren to a sailor. I acknowledged it, and after my freshman year, I quit soccer and chose to enroll in my school’s Army ROTC program.
Once I joined ROTC, I became captivated with the environment, the culture, and the attitude it exemplified. The cadre, instructors, and cadets were dedicated to serving a purpose bigger than any one of them alone—a purpose that I, too, shared. I felt at home; in a place I could shine and further cultivate my skills and qualities. I was determined to become the best cadet I could be. With my goal driving me, I pushed myself to new limits, conquering fears and excelling in my physical training, as well as my classes. Due to my success in the program, the cadre approached me with an offer to contract with the Army, which, had I signed, would have granted me a full scholarship and ensured my commission upon graduation. In a rare moment of uncertainty, I chose to decline the offer for other obligations. If I had made the right decision at the time, I would have accomplished my goal, and I would not be telling this story. However, the story continues, as I fought the hindrances that plagued my path to attaining my dream.
Concurrent to my enrollment in ROTC, I joined the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity. While the consequences were considerable, it was one of the greatest decisions I have made in my life. Unfortunately, I could not give 110% to both organizations simultaneously. I had a dilemma. My father always told me, “If you are going to do something. Do it right.” With his words in my mind, and three years left in college, I decided the Army could wait. Although I chose brotherhood over the military for the time being, I learned invaluable lessons and traits, such as responsibility and how to coordinate, organize, delegate, and communicate effectively. I sought to defend the oppressed as a soldier, but I discovered that I could accomplish this by contributing to charities and participating in fundraisers. The fraternity had allowed me to serve my purpose through the community, aiding the destitute and less fortunate. I cherished my newfound passion, but the call to duty summoned once again.
I dropped out of school after my sixth semester. I could not subdue the urge to serve any longer, so I went to the Army recruiting office to inquire about joining. After weeks of completing seemingly endless paperwork and training, I was finally given the green light to join. I enlisted in the United States Army on May 8, 2012 as a Special Forces candidate. I was going to have the opportunity to join the Green Berets, a brotherhood whose motto, loosely translated, means, “to liberate the oppressed.” I had accomplished my dream. However, upon leaving Fort Sam, in San Antonio, Texas, my head held high with pride, little did I know that less than a month later my aspirations would be brought to a screeching halt.
In the early morning of June 5, 2012, driving home to attend a workout session, I was involved in a major highway accident that turned my world upside down. Although I do not remember the moments leading up to the collision, I do remember the destruction that followed. As I sat in the mangled vehicle, airbags deployed, smoke billowing from the engine, glass shards blanketing the interior, and blood running profusely down my face, my thoughts were not about the fact that I should be dead, but, rather, whether my dream was over. In the collision I received a traumatic brain injury—a diagnosis that would obliterate my endeavor, and one that I would eventually overcome. Once I healed, I explained the situation to my recruiter, hoping and praying for the best. On September 20, 2012, five days before I was to ship to basic training, I received a phone call. My recruiter informed me that I would be medically dropped from the Army, requiring a two-year suspension. Sitting there, destroyed, I remembered a quote a Navy SEAL friend once told me, “Success doesn’t come to you. You go to it.” Determined to succeed, I made plans to overcome this dreadful obstacle.
I enrolled back in school and graduated two years later—a superb achievement for such a difficult time. I decided I would not let a brain injury hold me back from my dreams. Upon completion of my medical deferral, I went back to the recruiter to reenlist, yearning to amend my destiny. My fate would not change. Again I was denied enlistment by the doctors, then once more after that. I attempted to pursue my goal of serving in the military three times—remaining faithful to my vow to never give up until the very end. Heartbroken, I came to a conclusion; God spared me for a reason. That reason would lead me to the road I am on today—the road to law school.
Against overwhelming odds, I have overcome all adversity I have faced, whether I reached my dream or not, in my quest to defend the oppressed. While it took a life-altering event to understand what my purpose in life was, I have proven to myself, and all of those who doubted me, that I have the power to achieve anything I desire. My dream turned into a nightmare, but I awoke from that nightmare with a new dream. If I cannot provide protection for the weak and justice for the innocent with a weapon in my hands, I will do it with the law in my pocket. I firmly believe that law school name will afford me the greatest opportunity to succeed in my endeavors. The hindrances I have confronted in my life and lessons I have learned have made me a stronger person. I will enter law school as a hardworking, dedicated, and determined student because of my struggles. I promise, with God, experience, and an unparalleled devotion for success on my side, to be an asset to your law school program and a defender of American citizens in need of help from the law. As G. K. Chesterton once said, “The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” I will be the metaphorical soldier of the law, fighting to attain justice for the oppressed behind me.

[lymenheimer]

This seems like a really long PS, so make sure that it fits the requirements that the school asks for (many are two-pages maximum, 11pt font minimum).

Also, the intro to your second paragraph is stylistically for dramatic story-telling, which isn't really what you want in a PS. It's kind of cliche. I get that you want to do a flashback, but it would be better as a more formal transition: "The first time I felt a desire to serve was on Sept. 11, 2001..."

I didn't read the rest because, reasons, but I will likely come back and help more (and so will others with this bump)

[The Patriot12]

Thank you very much for the feedback. Thankfully the school I am writing this for does not have a page limit, at least not one that I can find. I know it is long, but I did not want to leave out any important information. I will go back to the second paragraph and edit it accordingly. Thanks for your help.

[totesTheGoat]

I raised my right hand. Standing at attention, I said, “I, Alexander Colby Zerbst, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies…so help me God.”

This is a fairly cliche start to a PS for those with military and/or law enforcement experience. I think it's safe to do it, but do be aware that there are many others who do the same thing.

An uncontrollable smile came across my face as I walked out of the room, realizing the significance of what took place. I had just been sworn in to the United States Army. This was the proudest day of my life. My childhood dream that I had worked so hard for was now a reality. However, all of the blood and sweat I had shed, and the pain and suffering I had endured to get to this point would be for nothing, as this dream would soon turn into a nightmare.

I'm not a huge fan of this part. You're "giving away the ending" before you start the story. I think, even though the climax is still to come, that you should do a chronological story. There is some really great suspense/tension that you're shortcutting from your soccer/college paragraphs.

The day was September 11, 2001. I was sitting in my fifth grade class; contemplating what activities I would participate in during the upcoming recess. The door opened as my teacher walked in with a desolate look on her face. She gathered the class together and explained that two airplanes, hijacked by terrorists, were flown into the World Trade Centers in New York City, killing a vast amount of people. As she explained the magnitude of this incident, I remember praying for the families of those killed and cursing the fanatics, in a way only a fifth grader could, that harmed innocent Americans. At ten years old, this was the moment that I developed an unconditional love for the United States, the flag, and my fellow countrymen.

1) I think your style is good in this portion, but it's just put into the rest of the PS haphazardly.
2)There's no transition, so I spend the first sentence and a half trying to figure out whether you enlisted on 9/11, and then why a 5th grader was enlisting in the Army. While my mind was able to put the pieces together in an instant, that instant of confusion is a negative mark on the first half of the PS.

Inside me, a fire was ignited that catalyzed a burning desire to protect the weak and defenseless—a desire that would turn into a ten-year-old (fifth grade) boy’s dream. This quest would provide me with the traits necessary to achieve success in the military, as well as my future endeavor to attend law school.

A common mistake made by many PS writers is to "tell" the reader about your qualities, emotions, growth, etc. Rather, you should "show" the reader these things through anecdote, not through assertions. For example: "Inside me, a fire was ignited that catalyzed a burning desire to protect the weak and defenseless" is abstract and assertive. It would be more tied to your experiences like this: "A fire was ignited in my soul while I listened to my teacher's solemn voice. In me grew a burning desire as she described the horror that befell those thousands of people who were just going about their business that day. I needed to do something to protect the weak and defenseless from people who would do this sort of horrible thing."

Nearly eight years later, as high school came to an end, I had a decision to make—pursue my goal and enlist in the Army, or accept an offer I was given to play college soccer and attain my degree. I opted for the latter. I had dedicated my life to soccer since the ripe age of four, a period where I learned the value of leadership, teamwork, and determination, developed a superlative drive to succeed, and forged a tenacious work ethic, attributes that were imperative for winning the 2005 Texas State Championship and maturing into the man I am today. I had worked my way, from the lowest division, to the top echelon in youth soccer, eventually captaining my club and high school teams. Furthermore, recognizing my passion for soccer, my parents, hesitant about me serving as an enlisted soldier in such a perilous time, suggested that I take this opportunity to hone my skills to better serve me in the military and utilize my athletic prowess as a means to receive an education, subsequently joining the Army as an officer. While I enjoyed being a collegiate athlete, the longing to become a soldier still resided within me, the call to duty beckoned for me to answer it, like a siren to a sailor. I acknowledged it, and after my freshman year, I quit soccer and chose to enroll in my school’s Army ROTC program.

I don't think this really adds anything to your PS. Your PS isn't about telling your entire life's story... it's about telling an adcomm why you're qualified for law school. I think that the PS about "a burning desire to protect the weak and defenseless" is mutually exclusive from a PS with this paragraph (about sacrifice). It's more important to keep your writing tied to your theme than to include every related anecdote.

Once I joined ROTC, I became captivated with the environment, the culture, and the attitude it exemplified. The cadre, instructors, and cadets were dedicated to serving a purpose bigger than any one of them alone—a purpose that I, too, shared. I felt at home; in a place I could shine and further cultivate my skills and qualities. I was determined to become the best cadet I could be. With my goal driving me, I pushed myself to new limits, conquering fears and excelling in my physical training, as well as my classes. Due to my success in the program, the cadre approached me with an offer to contract with the Army, which, had I signed, would have granted me a full scholarship and ensured my commission upon graduation. In a rare moment of uncertainty, I chose to decline the offer for other obligations. If I had made the right decision at the time, I would have accomplished my goal, and I would not be telling this story. However, the story continues, as I fought the hindrances that plagued my path to attaining my dream.

Concurrent to my enrollment in ROTC, I joined the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity. While the consequences were considerable, it was one of the greatest decisions I have made in my life. Unfortunately, I could not give 110% to both organizations simultaneously. I had a dilemma. My father always told me, “If you are going to do something. Do it right.” With his words in my mind, and three years left in college, I decided the Army could wait. Although I chose brotherhood over the military for the time being, I learned invaluable lessons and traits, such as responsibility and how to coordinate, organize, delegate, and communicate effectively. I sought to defend the oppressed as a soldier, but I discovered that I could accomplish this by contributing to charities and participating in fundraisers. The fraternity had allowed me to serve my purpose through the community, aiding the destitute and less fortunate. I cherished my newfound passion, but the call to duty summoned once again.
I dropped out of school after my sixth semester. I could not subdue the urge to serve any longer, so I went to the Army recruiting office to inquire about joining. After weeks of completing seemingly endless paperwork and training, I was finally given the green light to join. I enlisted in the United States Army on May 8, 2012 as a Special Forces candidate. I was going to have the opportunity to join the Green Berets, a brotherhood whose motto, loosely translated, means, “to liberate the oppressed.” I had accomplished my dream. However, upon leaving Fort Sam, in San Antonio, Texas, my head held high with pride, little did I know that less than a month later my aspirations would be brought to a screeching halt.

I think these paragraphs (along with the one above) contain good contextual information, but are waaaaay too long for being on a different topic than the first paragraphs of the PS. These are also more on the "sacrifice" theme, and so they distract from your original "drive/initiative" theme.

In the early morning of June 5, 2012, driving home to attend a workout session, I was involved in a major highway accident that turned my world upside down. Although I do not remember the moments leading up to the collision, I do remember the destruction that followed. As I sat in the mangled vehicle, airbags deployed, smoke billowing from the engine, glass shards blanketing the interior, and blood running profusely down my face, my thoughts were not about the fact that I should be dead, but, rather, whether my dream was over. In the collision I received a traumatic brain injury—a diagnosis that would obliterate my endeavor, and one that I would eventually overcome. Once I healed, I explained the situation to my recruiter, hoping and praying for the best. On September 20, 2012, five days before I was to ship to basic training, I received a phone call. My recruiter informed me that I would be medically dropped from the Army, requiring a two-year suspension. Sitting there, destroyed, I remembered a quote a Navy SEAL friend once told me, “Success doesn’t come to you. You go to it.” Determined to succeed, I made plans to overcome this dreadful obstacle.
I enrolled back in school and graduated two years later—a superb achievement for such a difficult time. I decided I would not let a brain injury hold me back from my dreams. Upon completion of my medical deferral, I went back to the recruiter to reenlist, yearning to amend my destiny. My fate would not change. Again I was denied enlistment by the doctors, then once more after that. I attempted to pursue my goal of serving in the military three times—remaining faithful to my vow to never give up until the very end. Heartbroken, I came to a conclusion; God spared me for a reason. That reason would lead me to the road I am on today—the road to law school.

This is back on the "drive/initiative" theme, and I think this is the climax of your PS. Once you clean up the "sacrifice" paragraphs, you have a great story arc. You were inspired as a youth, you struggled to find your path when you were a little older, and then you had a traumatic experience that reignited your passion and drive.

I enrolled back in school and graduated two years later—a superb achievement for such a difficult time.

Don't do that... let the reader come to the conclusions about "achievement." The most I think you should say here is "an achievement that I didn't originally think would be possible." The point is to imply that it's a "superb achievement" without actually saying it.

Against overwhelming odds, I have overcome all adversity I have faced, whether I reached my dream or not, in my quest to defend the oppressed. While it took a life-altering event to understand what my purpose in life was, I have proven to myself, and all of those who doubted me, that I have the power to achieve anything I desire. My dream turned into a nightmare, but I awoke from that nightmare with a new dream. If I cannot provide protection for the weak and justice for the innocent with a weapon in my hands, I will do it with the law in my pocket. I firmly believe that law school name will afford me the greatest opportunity to succeed in my endeavors. The hindrances I have confronted in my life and lessons I have learned have made me a stronger person. I will enter law school as a hardworking, dedicated, and determined student because of my struggles. I promise, with God, experience, and an unparalleled devotion for success on my side, to be an asset to your law school program and a defender of American citizens in need of help from the law. As G. K. Chesterton once said, “The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” I will be the metaphorical soldier of the law, fighting to attain justice for the oppressed behind me.

[/quote]

1) I think it gets a little abstract in this paragraph. Maybe tie it down to you experiences a little bit more.
2) I love the Chesterton quote because it ties the story together all the way back to the 5th grade experience.
3) Don't be afraid to drop the hammer in the conclusion. The impression you should give is that you're on a mission, and it doesn't matter what gets in the way, you're going to see it through. That's why you'll be an awesome lawyer... you've shown that even when you get knocked down, you're getting back up and you're going even harder.

[The Patriot12]

totesTheGoat, I really appreciate your feedback! This helped a lot! I will definitely make the necessary changes and revisions. Thanks!