***Personal Statement- Critique and Editing WELCOME :) Forum

[anvega1]

I can still remember that first day, waiting in my newly decorated classroom an hour early, eager to meet my first 6th grade English class. I really had no idea what I was in store for at the time. My campus is a Title I school, a federal designation bestowed upon us because nearly every student is a racial minority—Hispanic—and economically disadvantaged. Many of them come from single parent homes or are being raised by non-parental guardians, many of whom have no post-secondary education. Growing up in a similar community not far from my campus, these numbers were not a surprise. It was the immensity of the task at hand that I did not see coming. Teaching them grade-level skills was going to be challenging enough, but it did not take long for me to realize that my job encompassed far more than that. I needed to give them the kind of education I benefited from, where I learned that I could achieve more than my background would suggest I could.
It has become a habit to share details about my personal life with my students. I want them to see how similar my life was to theirs. Like many of them, I came from a “non-traditional” family that struggled materially. My mom raised me as a single parent who, like my father, took up blue collar work instead of pursuing a college degree. Fortunately for me, my parents learned the value of a college education precisely because neither of them had attained one. My mother encouraged me to pursue higher education so that I would not have to struggle financially like she did. In doing so, she taught me one of the greatest things that my schooling alone did not—perseverance. My race, class, and gender would not be a hindrance, nor would my being raised by a single mother; no matter where I came from, or what my odds were, I was going to succeed. My mother told me this constantly, and her words served me well. They got me through high school near the top of my class, helped me earn a college degree, and aided me in successfully becoming a certified teacher, something my college degree did not prepare me for. While I continue to regard these as proud accomplishments, a different test of strength stands apart as one of my most cherished triumphs.
Getting any student excited about learning is laborious, but not impossible. Some students however, can make even the best teacher doubt their ability. Every teacher still knows the names of the handful of students who presented such a challenge, no matter how far removed from their days at the school house. My own student was as formidable as the rest, so much so that he came with a warning—a preemptive visit from an assistant principal—and a record that included possession and assault, both credited to an explosive personality disorder and ADHD. I thought I was in the clear after a few weeks passed without incident. Instead of an unruly troublemaker, I saw a shy reticent boy. Then, like a bomb, he went off. Suddenly, the smallest of inconveniences would send him into a rage, causing him to shout obscenities as he dramatically stormed out of class only to come barging back in again in the same colorful manner. Whenever he had one of his episodes, which had quickly become a daily occurrence, he was intractable, even in the face of recommended and research-based management practices. I felt my resolve wavering as a result. How could I teach him to persevere when something so small or trivial sent him into a whirlwind crisis?
It was precisely at the moment when giving up felt easiest—I could have joined the large number of teachers who leave their post each year—that my mother’s advice felt all-important. I had not come farther than either of my parents had to come full stop before an eleven year old’s bad temper, no matter how impressive it was. Eventually, I found a solution that worked for us both. Not only had I managed to help him stay calm in class, but I earned enough of his trust to have real conversations with him about his personal life and aspirations for himself and his family. We used these conversations as reminders to maintain his new-found even-tempered self. Even he could be taught to persevere.
A rarity in her time, the woman physicist, Marie Curie once said, “I was taught the way of progress is neither swift nor easy”. I have never been one to give up, especially when the odds were not stacked in my favor. Teaching has served as a reminder of this. While I know that the curriculum at St. Mary’s School of Law will be rigorous, I am ready, now more than ever, to take that challenge. My determination, along with a standing record of perseverance, will not only make me a successful law student, but also, eventually, an attorney who will become part of the St. Mary’s community.

[Bearlyalive]

I can still remember my excitement that first day, waiting in my newly decorated classroom an hour early for my 6th grade English class to arrive. I really had no idea what I was in store for at the time. My campus is a Title I school, a federal designation bestowed upon us because nearly every student is a racial minority—Hispanic—and economically disadvantaged. Many of them come from single parent homes or are being raised by non-parental guardians, few of whom have any post-secondary education. Growing up in a similar community not far from my campus, these circumstances (comment: conditions?) were not a surprise. Even so, it was impossible to predict the immensity of the task at hand. Teaching grade-level skills was going to be challenging enough, but it did not take long for me to realize that my job encompassed far more than that. I needed to give my students the kind of education that I benefited from, where I learned that I could achieve much more than my background would suggest was possible.
I quickly developed a habit of sharing details about my personal life with my students, focusing on the similarities between my upbringing and their own. Like many of them, I came from a “non-traditional” family that struggled materially. My mom raised me as a single parent who, like my father, took up blue collar work instead of pursuing a college degree. My parents learned the value of a college education precisely because neither of them had attained one. My mother encouraged me to pursue higher education so that I would not have to struggle financially like she did. In doing so, she taught me one of the greatest things that my schooling alone could not: perseverance. My race, class, and gender would not be a hindrance, nor would my being raised by a single mother; no matter where I came from, or what my odds were, I was going to succeed. My mother told me this constantly, and her words have served me well. They got me through high school near the top of my class, helped me earn a college degree, and aided me in successfully becoming a certified teacher, something my college degree did not prepare me for. While I continue to regard these as proud accomplishments, a different test of strength stands apart as one of my most cherished triumphs.
Getting any student excited about learning is laborious, but not impossible. Some students, however, can make even the best teacher doubt their ability. Every teacher still knows the names of the handful of students who presented such a challenge, no matter how far removed from their days at the school house. My own student was as formidable as the rest, so much so that he came with a warning—a preemptive visit from an assistant principal—and a record that included possession and assault, both credited to an explosive personality disorder and ADHD. I thought I was in the clear after a few weeks passed without incident. Instead of an unruly troublemaker, I saw a shy reticent boy. Then, like a bomb, he went off. Suddenly, the smallest of inconveniences would send him into a rage, causing him to shout obscenities as he dramatically stormed out of class only to come barging back in again in the same colorful manner. Whenever he had one of his episodes, which had quickly become a daily occurrence, he was intractable, even in the face of recommended and research-based management practices. I felt my resolve wavering as a result. How could I teach him to persevere when something so small or trivial sent him into a whirlwind crisis?
It was precisely at the moment when giving up felt easiest—I could have joined the large number of teachers who leave their post each year—that my mother’s advice felt all-important. I had not come farther than either of my parents had to come full stop before an eleven year old’s bad temper, no matter its magnitude. Eventually, I found a solution that worked for us both. Not only did I manage to help him stay calm in class, but I earned enough of his trust to have real conversations with him about his personal life and aspirations. We used these conversations as reminders to maintain his new-found even-tempered self. Even he could be taught to persevere.
A rarity in her time, the woman physicist, Marie Curie once said, “I was taught the way of progress is neither swift nor easy”. I have never been one to give up, especially when the odds were not stacked in my favor. My experiences as a teacher have only served to strengthen this conviction. While I know that the curriculum at St. Mary’s School of Law will be rigorous, I am ready, now more than ever, to take that challenge. My determination, along with a standing record of perseverance, will not only make me a successful law student, but also, eventually, an attorney who will become part of the St. Mary’s community.

I really like your essay, so I don't have any changes to its substance or character. Your writing is pretty good too, so not much needed changing there either. In the above, I changed around some phrasing, combined some sentences, fixed flow, small stuff like that. Bit too lazy to make a list of all the changes (sorry), but you'll find them sprinkled throughout. Many of those changes are subjective to my own writing style, so take them as you will.

Extra comments:

1. Did your Mom give up going to college to go to work so she could support you as a single mother? If so, might be helpful to specify that (it strengthens the narrative; otherwise, I might not include that detail)

2. "My own student was as formidable as the rest, so much so that he came with a warning—a preemptive visit from an assistant principal—and a record that included possession and assault, both credited to an explosive personality disorder and ADHD." I love this sentence, but I wonder if it might be improved by cutting it off at the last comma. It's up to you if you feel those extra details contribute unique substance to your essay.

3. I personally don't like quotes in a PS, although one at the conclusion is definitely preferable to one in the introduction. I think the conclusion would be just as strong (and less cliché) without the Curie quote. Unless she really is a personal hero of yours (like, you have her poster in your bedroom), I wouldn't keep it. Again, somewhat of a subjective matter.

4. In your conclusion, you say that you are ready "now more than ever" to go to law school. I wouldn't include this unless you want to elaborate specifically on why; the way I read your essay, it seems like you were a very determined and persevering person before you became a teacher, and so while your experience may have highlighted that trait or helped you articulate it, I didn't really get the sense that it played much a role in developing or strengthening your determination. I know that for my PS (which was much more "why law" oriented, admittedly), I wrote about an experience that helped me understand my passion for law rather than one that helped develop it (and I think that the distinction is important, because your reasons for sticking with something are often much more important than the reasons you had for starting it). I hesitate to say that it would be worth doing substantial re-writing for the sake of five words. You're ready for law school now as a culmination of all your experiences, not just one of your more recent ones.

5. The only real weakness I see in this essay is that you don't have space to include details on exactly how you managed to bring your student around. I don't think this is fatal, but it certainly does leave your reader wondering what else was involved other than just sheer perseverance. If you can find a way to sum it up briefly, I think it would really strengthen the narrative (especially if you can then tie your solution into your conclusion).