PS I am open to any feedback. I want to send off tonight!! Urgent!! Will Swap! Forum

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SHLJOHN

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PS I am open to any feedback. I want to send off tonight!! Urgent!! Will Swap!

Post by SHLJOHN » Tue Feb 02, 2016 1:31 am

I want to thank you in advance for taking time to read my PS. I posted it before and had a few read it and give me feedback. I revised the statement. Please be honest. Reminder I want to send out tonight!!! :D






"Is it a real job? How much are they paying you?" she said. "It's volunteer work", I responded, "I will be tutoring and mentoring students, I will get a stipend". I left my mom speechless and probably lucky I didn't get punched. A recent college graduate with tons of student loan debt working as a tutor being paid less than minimum wage baffled her. However, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my degree but, I figured a year doing volunteer work would keep me engaged while making my decision. I stumbled upon the AmeriCorps program, City Year, applied and started in the fall of 2013. I served at an elementary school in South Los Angeles, not far from where I grew up, as a tutor and mentor for the next 10 months. It sounded fun and easy and part of it was but, it was also tiring, frustrating, and hard.
I sacrificed time to make an impact. My team and I had to report to school every day at 7:15 am and leave no earlier than 5:30 pm. We served 50 hours a week, from when school started to after the students got dismissed from out after school program. Our students enjoyed and cherished every moment we spent with them, whether reviewing basic multiplication or playing basketball. When I was not with my students, I was with my team planning for our students. I planned personal lesson plans, student council meetings, and community events. Every moment of my day I thought about the needs of someone else and how I could help. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Teamwork was also important. I served on a team of ten. A strong team as the foundation helped us serve the community better. We had to stand strong for our students and for each other. Of course, this took time and effort. During our after school program, my teammate, Hannah and I supervised a room of students together. Hannah was light-hearted and wore her emotions on her shelves. She cried in front of our students when she became frustrated with them. I was the polar opposite and more lax with our students. During the beginning of the year, Hannah and I ran into issues quickly because our leadership styles were different. We had to sit down and discuss our leadership dynamic. We came to a compromise on the disciplinary actions to use with our students and made a commitment to support each other especially through our rough days with students.
In the classroom, I advocated for my students. They became the reason I got up so early to come to school each day. I don't have any kids of my own, but as soon as I stepped on campus they were mine. I loved my students. I encouraged them to read aloud in class and they encouraged me to play kickball at recess. One student, Isaiah, loved to tell jokes and had an amazing imagination, but lacked discipline in the classroom. He was in the fifth grade, but reading and spelling at a second-grade level. At times through the year, I wondered how he made it to the fifth grade. His mother had four children under the age of 10 and she struggled to give him the attention he needed. It was a battle with him throughout the year, but I kept telling him he could do it, no matter what it was- fractions or reading a chapter book. I supported him. His teacher was not sure if he would make it fifth-grade graduation because she refused to promote him to middle school reading and writing at such a low-level. I promised Isiah, his mother, his teacher and I would work with him. I had bi-weekly progress meetings with his teacher to show his progress. I talked to his mother about the small and large victories during our tutoring sessions. I was extremely proud when he graduated in June of 2014. Not only did he graduate, but he also received an award for the most improved student in his class during graduation. He might have been one of my biggest stresses that year, but he taught me how to hold on, stand up, and advocate for what I believe in and that year it was him.
In retrospect, I loved the year I took to serve my community. It affected me in ways I never imagined. I gained knowledge that year that is applicable to several fields including law. As an attorney, I believe my clients will cherish someone who advocates on their behalf using every minute possible and understands that we work as a team.

WatchClosely

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Re: PS I am open to any feedback. I want to send off tonight!! Urgent!! Will Swap!

Post by WatchClosely » Tue Feb 02, 2016 10:18 am

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Last edited by WatchClosely on Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:34 am, edited 4 times in total.

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lymenheimer

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Re: PS I am open to any feedback. I want to send off tonight!! Urgent!! Will Swap!

Post by lymenheimer » Tue Feb 02, 2016 10:26 am

Doesn't need to be said at this point because Closely hits the nail on the head (and you may have already submitted), but this is just a story. And honestly, not even a good one. Your ideas and experiences aren't fluid and don't read smoothly. I learn nothing about you other than this experience that you had and what you tell me about yourself. It's possible to work with this topic and some elements in this story, but don't send this as is.

eta: sorry if you submitted and are now freaking out, but this is kind of what happens when you post after midnight and expect an immediate response.

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totesTheGoat

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Re: PS I am open to any feedback. I want to send off tonight!! Urgent!! Will Swap!

Post by totesTheGoat » Tue Feb 02, 2016 1:59 pm

SHLJOHN wrote: Reminder I want to send out tonight!!! :D
Back when I was a software engineer, we had a saying on certain message boards, "what is urgent for you is not urgent for me." We also tended to ignore the threads that started with "URGENT!!! NEED ANSWER BY TODAY!!!"

Just as a tip from your friendly neighborhood PS reviewer, avoid "urgent", "needs done by tomorrow" and other phrases that give the impression that you think you're entitled to our help at your beck and call. You'll probably get faster results if you get rid of all that crap.
I left my mom speechless and probably lucky I didn't get punched.
This type of hyperbole is informal and inappropriate for a PS.
A recent college graduate with tons of student loan debt working as a tutor being paid less than minimum wage baffled her. However, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my degree but, I figured a year doing volunteer work would keep me engaged while making my decision.
This says what 95% of law school applicants try to avoid saying in their PS, "I want to do law school because my UG degree is worthless in the job market." It tells me a lot about why you want to go to law school, but it doesn't tell me anything about whether you're qualified to go to law school. If anything, it's a negative mark.
It sounded fun and easy and part of it was but, it was also tiring, frustrating, and hard.
Great, you thought it would be easy, and it kind of was, but you found it hard sometimes, too. Despite the internal inconsistencies, you've only told me that it was hard.

Not only that, but you're pretty much advertising that you look for the easy way out in a PS that is supposed to convince an adcomm that you can persevere through a hard curriculum.
I sacrificed time to make an impact.
Again, you're telling instead of showing. How do I know that you made an impact? What impact did you make? Why should I care that you sacrificed time? By telling instead of showing, the tone comes off a bit entitled in this section. What I'm reading out of your PS to this point is "I got an unemployable UG degree, my mom gives me a hard time because I'm doing nothing with my life, and I found a volunteer opportunity that was going to get her off my ass, but it wasn't as easy as I had hoped. It was a sacrifice to go volunteer at AmeriCorps, but I made an impact."
My team and I had to report to school every day at 7:15 am and leave no earlier than 5:30 pm. We served 50 hours a week, from when school started to after the students got dismissed from out after school program.
This adds to what I mentioned right above about coming off a bit entitled. Whether you served 10 hours a week or 50 hours a week is rather irrelevant to whether or not you'll be successful in law school, so it comes off like "look at me, I worked a whole 50 hours a week... that's a long time!"
Our students enjoyed and cherished every moment we spent with them, whether reviewing basic multiplication or playing basketball. When I was not with my students, I was with my team planning for our students. I planned personal lesson plans, student council meetings, and community events. Every moment of my day I thought about the needs of someone else and how I could help. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Now we're getting into something that may potentially be useful. Ditch everything about "enjoyment." Nobody cares who enjoyed what. However, you're starting to talk about responsibilities and communication with others and planning. This is a good foundation for a personal growth story. Talk more about why this job was harder than you expected, and then describe how you settled into your role, and then talk about the growth you experienced due to pushing outside your comfort zone.

I think pretty much everything needs to be scrapped prior to this, but you have a workable story here.
Teamwork was also important. I served on a team of ten. A strong team as the foundation helped us serve the community better. We had to stand strong for our students and for each other. Of course, this took time and effort. During our after school program, my teammate, Hannah and I supervised a room of students together. Hannah was light-hearted and wore her emotions on her shelves. She cried in front of our students when she became frustrated with them. I was the polar opposite and more lax with our students. During the beginning of the year, Hannah and I ran into issues quickly because our leadership styles were different. We had to sit down and discuss our leadership dynamic. We came to a compromise on the disciplinary actions to use with our students and made a commitment to support each other especially through our rough days with students.
In the classroom, I advocated for my students. They became the reason I got up so early to come to school each day. I don't have any kids of my own, but as soon as I stepped on campus they were mine. I loved my students. I encouraged them to read aloud in class and they encouraged me to play kickball at recess. One student, Isaiah, loved to tell jokes and had an amazing imagination, but lacked discipline in the classroom. He was in the fifth grade, but reading and spelling at a second-grade level. At times through the year, I wondered how he made it to the fifth grade. His mother had four children under the age of 10 and she struggled to give him the attention he needed. It was a battle with him throughout the year, but I kept telling him he could do it, no matter what it was- fractions or reading a chapter book. I supported him. His teacher was not sure if he would make it fifth-grade graduation because she refused to promote him to middle school reading and writing at such a low-level. I promised Isiah, his mother, his teacher and I would work with him. I had bi-weekly progress meetings with his teacher to show his progress. I talked to his mother about the small and large victories during our tutoring sessions. I was extremely proud when he graduated in June of 2014. Not only did he graduate, but he also received an award for the most improved student in his class during graduation. He might have been one of my biggest stresses that year, but he taught me how to hold on, stand up, and advocate for what I believe in and that year it was him.
Same general critique here. You do a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. It may be helpful for you to expand the story about Isaiah, because there are a few sentences in the middle of this paragraph that would be decent if they were in a different PS .
In retrospect, I loved the year I took to serve my community. It affected me in ways I never imagined. I gained knowledge that year that is applicable to several fields including law. As an attorney, I believe my clients will cherish someone who advocates on their behalf using every minute possible and understands that we work as a team.
Again, you're telling instead of showing. Avoid words like "cherish" and talk more about how your AmeriCares experience, especially with Isaiah, equipped you with the skills needed to be a good law student and a good attorney.

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