Rough Personal Statement - Any advice or critique is greatly appreciated Forum

[luckboxr]

Throughout my life as a student, friend, and employee, I have learned many different important lessons, and through those lessons, I have come to the realization that experience is often the best teacher we have. For although teachers impart the theory behind it all in largely abstract models, nothing is more important than experiencing things for yourself and learning via your own volition; it is one thing to read it in a book and hear it through the words of another, but quite another thing to experience it yourself through your own sensations. This in no way belittles the purpose of pedagogical endeavors, for even honorable and enlightening experiences have their shortcomings; learning in the real world is often harsh and unforgiving, which is why academia is the bedrock of society. However, only the impressionable believe that academia has all the answers, as serendipity has always shown to be a powerful force, no matter how hard others have tried to minimize its impact. Like most people, I was once very gullible in my ability to understand the real world; in my younger years, my arrogance and immaturity was holding me back from greater aspirations, and as I look back into my past, I have come realize the error of my ways. Central to my ability to see my own vulnerabilities and act to mitigate them were what my experiences had divulged, for only those who realize their shortcomings are willing to learn; if one believes everything has been understood, then improvement would slow, if not cease altogether. Just as jurisprudence evolves and grows in order to tackle new modern dilemmas, people must learn from the past and discern right from wrong.

Our ability to interpret our lives–like the law–is central to achieve greater enlightenment. The law, like people, is often subjective in its search for idiosyncratic truths, which is why laws are often vague in their terminology and structure, for individual circumstances often require distinct interpretations. For instance, during my time as an assistant to a Criminal Defense Attorney, Gassia Apkarian–currently a presiding judge–I would interact with clients on a daily basis by taking their phone calls at the office and addressing their individual concerns; one time, one of Gassia’s clients in county jail had some issues with receiving and sending mail from jail. I quickly responded by informing Gassia and personally going down to the jail intake center to resolve the issue. In addition, during my time as a Transaction Coordinator to a prominent Real Estate Agent in Irvine, California, I would personally make sure all our clients’ needs were met in an individually fashioned manner. For example, during the escrow process–the intermediate period of selling a house–one of our clients was unavailable for a customary house inspection, so I offered my time on a Saturday–my day off–in order to ensure a timely and smooth close. Lastly, during my time with the Real Estate Agent, I would lease properties for our clients by personally vetting any potential tenants by verifying their employment and renting histories; I recall one time one of our lease clients had, per the contract, ordered a maid service to clean their property in preparation for the incoming tenants. Our client was out of the country at the time, so after the cleaning was done, I decided to go to the property in order to inspect their work. To my dismay, I found the property was not adequately cleaned per our client's request; I quickly followed up with the cleaning company and vigorously represented our client’s interests. In the end, our client was greatly appreciative of the extra effort, as I had not only ensured the house was properly cleaned, but I had gotten our client a discount on the cleaning.

For better or for worse, my experiences have made me who I am today: an individual who is willing to learn something new every day, whether it is at work, in school, with friends, or with family, there is always something I don’t know, or have not yet realized due to my own ignorance. As lawyers, as law students, as professionals, and, more importantly, as people, we must realize that we all are ignorant in our own distinct ways, and the day we ignore this fact, is the day we hinder our ability to improve not only our lives, but the lives of others.

[totesTheGoat]

Throughout my life as a student, friend, and employee, I have learned many different important lessons, and through those lessons, I have come to the realization that experience is often the best teacher we have. For although teachers impart the theory behind it all in largely abstract models, nothing is more important than experiencing things for yourself and learning via your own volition; it is one thing to read it in a book and hear it through the words of another, but quite another thing to experience it yourself through your own sensations. This in no way belittles the purpose of pedagogical endeavors, for even honorable and enlightening experiences have their shortcomings; learning in the real world is often harsh and unforgiving, which is why academia is the bedrock of society. However, only the impressionable believe that academia has all the answers, as serendipity has always shown to be a powerful force, no matter how hard others have tried to minimize its impact. Like most people, I was once very gullible in my ability to understand the real world; in my younger years, my arrogance and immaturity was holding me back from greater aspirations, and as I look back into my past, I have come realize the error of my ways. Central to my ability to see my own vulnerabilities and act to mitigate them were what my experiences had divulged, for only those who realize their shortcomings are willing to learn; if one believes everything has been understood, then improvement would slow, if not cease altogether. Just as jurisprudence evolves and grows in order to tackle new modern dilemmas, people must learn from the past and discern right from wrong.

Too much "creative writing," not enough "personal statement." Stop using the thesaurus. I've crossed out the words and phrases that you should almost never use in a PS.

By using $5 words and talking in the abstract, you come off as a head-in-the-clouds product of academia trying to impress by acting like they know what the real world is like. The first thing I would do upon reading this first paragraph is flip back to your resume to see whether you actually have any (true) real-world experience, or whether you're talking out of your ass.

Our ability to interpret our lives–like the law–is central to achieve greater enlightenment.

Again, you begin to wax poetic in this paragraph. This isn't an essay for a philosophy class. This is a personal statement meant to convince an adcomm that you stand a chance of being a successful law student at their university. I guarantee that approximately zero adcomms give a shit about "idiosyncratic truths", "achieving greater enlightenment", and "greater aspirations."

For instance, during my time as an assistant to a Criminal Defense Attorney, Gassia Apkarian–currently a presiding judge–I would interact with clients on a daily basis by taking their phone calls at the office and addressing their individual concerns; one time, one of Gassia’s clients in county jail had some issues with receiving and sending mail from jail. I quickly responded by informing Gassia and personally going down to the jail intake center to resolve the issue.

Now we're starting to get into some actual personal anecdotes. This is where the entirety of your PS should reside. You can literally cut everything before the "For instance" and be better off for it.

Here's the problem, though. Merely being a secretary for a defense attorney (nobody cares who it was... this PS is about you, not about them) doesn't really show me why you're qualified for law school. A trained 5th grader can answer a phone. You need to expand on a specific situation (the mail issue seems promising) where you showed personal attributes or growth that would translate well in law school. Perhaps your theme could be initiative, and the fact that you went down the the intake center is your central anecdote to show that you have initiative.

to a prominent Real Estate Agent in Irvine, California

Again, nobody cares who it was... they only care about your role.

In addition, during my time as a Transaction Coordinator. . . I recall one time one of our lease clients had, per the contract, ordered a maid service to clean their property in preparation for the incoming tenants. Our client was out of the country at the time, so after the cleaning was done, I decided to go to the property in order to inspect their work. To my dismay, I found the property was not adequately cleaned per our client's request; I quickly followed up with the cleaning company and vigorously represented our client’s interests. In the end, our client was greatly appreciative of the extra effort, as I had not only ensured the house was properly cleaned, but I had gotten our client a discount on the cleaning.

This would pair well with a PS on initiative. You would obviously have to expand both the mail anecdote as well as this one, but you at least have a common thread between the stories.

For better or for worse, my experiences have made me who I am today:

"For better or for worse, 1 + 1 = 2" (You're wasting space in your PS with meaningless tautologies)

in school, with friends, or with family

You never talked about these, so you're just asserting things. It leads the reader to think they missed something.

an individual who is willing to learn something new every day, whether it is at work, in school, with friends, or with family, there is always something I don’t know, or have not yet realized due to my own ignorance. As lawyers, as law students, as professionals, and, more importantly, as people, we must realize that we all are ignorant in our own distinct ways, and the day we ignore this fact, is the day we hinder our ability to improve not only our lives, but the lives of others.

Ditch this entire section and write a new conclusion that ties together your two anecdotes into a lesson learned about initiative, and then explain to the adcomm why you think your learned lesson will make you a successful law student.

[luckboxr]

Thank you very much. I will start revising.

[luckboxr]

I've made some changes. I would greatly appreciate some feedback.

Throughout my life as a student, friend, and employee, I have learned many different important lessons, and through those lessons, I have come to the realization that experience is often the best teacher we have. For although teachers impart the theory behind it all, nothing is more important than experiencing things for yourself and learning via those experiences; it is one thing to read it in a book and hear it through the words of another, but quite another thing to experience it for yourself. This in no way belittles the purpose of academic endeavors, for even experiences have their shortcomings, as learning in the real world is often harsh and unforgiving. Like most people, I was once very gullible in my ability to understand the real world; in my younger years, my arrogance and immaturity was holding me back, and as I look back into my past, I have come realize the error of many of my ways. Central to my ability to see my own vulnerabilities and act to mitigate them were what my experiences had divulged, for only those who realize their shortcomings are willing to learn; if one believes there is little one doesn’t know, then personal development would slow, if not cease altogether. I always know there is something new to learn, and with this can-do attitude, I believe no challenge is insurmountable. Central to the success of my scholarly-attitude is being preemptive, as preempting has often yielded great friends, pecuniary rewards, and invaluable tenets of wisdom

Taking the initiative is accomplished in many ways, but like many others, my trial by fire was undertaken in the legal and real estate business worlds. For instance, during my time as an assistant to a Criminal Defense Attorney, a client who was in county jail had some issues with receiving and sending mail from jail. I quickly responded by informing the Attorney and personally going down to the jail intake center to resolve the issue. By being proactive instead of reactive, not only had I better served my employer and her client, but also more importantly, I knew that consistently taking the initiative also helped instill a type of excellence in me. In addition, during my time as a Transaction Coordinator to a Real Estate Agent, I would personally make sure all of our clients’ needs were met in an individually fashioned manner. For example, during the escrow process–the intermediate period of selling a house–one of our clients was unavailable for a customary house inspection, so I offered my time on a Saturday–my day off–in order to ensure a timely and smooth close. I believe in getting the job done right the first time, and ahead of schedule, so that I can focus my attention elsewhere. Lastly, during my time with the Real Estate Agent, I would lease properties for our clients by personally vetting any potential tenants by verifying their employment and renting histories; one time one of our lease clients had, per the contract, contracted a maid service to clean their property for the incoming tenants. Our client was out of the country at the time, so after the cleaning was done, I decided to go to the property in order to inspect their work. To my dismay, I found the property was not adequately cleaned per our client’s request; I quickly followed up with the cleaning company and vigorously represented our client’s interests. In the end, our client was greatly appreciative of the extra effort, as I had not only ensured the house was properly cleaned, but I had gotten our client a discount on the cleaning.

My experiences have made me who I am today: an individual who is willing to learn something new every day, whether it is at work, in school, with friends, or with family. Through many of those experiences, I would often execute what needed to be done without specific instruction. Nevertheless, taking the initiative in everyday life has not only helped me to overcome some obstacles, but has also compelled me to learn as much as possible from my invaluable experiences. By having a positive attitude with a proactive willingness to learn, I seize the day, knowing all too well that the lessons imparted today may well be some of the most important lessons of my life.

[Alive97]

I think the flow can be streamlined. Right now what I'm seeing is: learning from experience vs academia -> humility to learn new things -> preemption -> initiative in 2 stories -> conclusion re initiative leading to being able to learn from new experiences.

As it stands, you say that those topics are logically connected, but I don't think you fully explain how. For example does it necessarily follow from taking iniative that you have learned from a new experience or demonstrated open mindedness to learn? It would seem that having learned from experience precedes taking initiative, because in order to take iniative you have to already know what to do. Or maybe it's the case that taking initiative requires figuring out what to do in the moment, which in turn requires an open mindedness to learn what it is that you need to do. But in that case, I'm not sure the opposite holds - if you assume you already know everything and know what to, it could still be that you attempt to preempt a need and go out and do something, it just ends up that your action is ineffective.

So you can see what I'm getting at there is that the connection between those things is not necessarily elaborated on in your paper. It could be that your paper is better served by jettisoning the "learning from experince" discussion.

Also I think your mention of academia is not necessary because it does not advance the point that learning from experience has something to do with I initiative and in your life you have shown this.

Finally I would make the conclusion a connection of iniative/learning from experience to being a successful law student.

[hurldes]

The most important sentence in a personal statement is the first one. Right now your first sentence sort of meanders to your point about experience being the best teacher. Start it off snappy -- get right to the point. Consider something like,

"Experience is our best teacher. I learned this both as an assistant to a criminal defense attorney and as a real estate agent." Then talk about those things right away (in separate paragraphs please) because those are the most interesting parts of your essay. Right now they are buried in that super long second paragraph. Bringing those stories to the top will make your statement more interesting. You can still discuss the main ideas in your current first paragraph (e.g., how you used to be gullible but now you are wise), but do it after you share your more interesting stories.

Also, cut out the cliches. Cliches are lazy and reveal a lack of original thought. Some examples from your PS are: "it is one thing to... but quite another thing to..." ; "realize the error of my ways" ; "can-do attitude" ; "trial by fire" ; "to my dismay."

I quickly responded by informing the Attorney and personally going down to the jail intake center to resolve the issue.

I am interested in hearing about what you did to resolve the issue. Was it a simple fix? If it was, then briefly describe what you did to "resolve" it. This would help your essay because then you could say something about how all it took was a little proactivity to make a real difference.

[luckboxr]

Thanks for the comments. I will make the necessary changes.

[cbbinnyc]

I would get rid of that entire first paragraph.

The most important sentence in a personal statement is the first one. Right now your first sentence sort of meanders to your point about experience being the best teacher. Start it off snappy -- get right to the point.

I agree 100%. However, on that note, I would do away altogether with the theme of "experience is the best teacher". It's cliche. Starting with a cliche is just as deadly (probably more deadly) as starting with a quote.

You probably should be less self conscious about showing initiative. "Show don't tell." Right now, you basically say, "I show initiative. Here's a thing I did. That thing showed initiative." Well, if the action shows initiative, you shouldn't need to point it out. For example, if I were to write a (fictional) PS about how I started a musical theater club at my college, I wouldn't need to tell the reader "starting a club shows initiative" - this should be clear from the story. By seeing the challenges you face and overcome, we learn things about you that you don't need to say explicitly.

The other issue is that your stories aren't very convincing at the moment. Going down to the jail intake center in person, coming in on a Saturday to close a sale, following up with the cleaning company: this just sounds like doing your job. If this is not the case, you need to be a lot more detailed about why it was such a big deal.

[luckboxr]

Thanks for your candor because I agree with most of what you said. Sounds like I might have to scrape the entire thing, or at least the first paragraph.

[totesTheGoat]

I've made some changes. I would greatly appreciate some feedback.

You're getting closer, but there is still a whole bunch of cliche and abstraction in here.

Throughout my life as a student, friend, and employee, I have learned many different important lessons, and through those lessons, I have come to the realization that experience is often the best teacher we have.

I still don't like this "student, friend, and employee" thing... your anecdotes are solely focused on the employee part, so it leaves the reader wanting more. "What happened to the student and friend part??"

For although teachers impart the theory behind it all, nothing is more important than experiencing things for yourself and learning via those experiences; it is one thing to read it in a book and hear it through the words of another, but quite another thing to experience it for yourself. This in no way belittles the purpose of academic endeavors, for even experiences have their shortcomings, as learning in the real world is often harsh and unforgiving.

This is too much abstract worldview and not enough personal experience. You need to make sure that every sentence and every paragraph is pointing toward you and why you're a good fit for law school.

Like most people, I was once very gullible in my ability to understand the real world; in my younger years, my arrogance and immaturity was holding me back, and as I look back into my past, I have come realize the error of many of my ways.

I think this comes off as abstract and a touch arrogant. As somebody mentioned above, you're "telling" instead of "showing." Let the reader come to conclusions. Your job is to just present the story in such a way that the reader has to come to the conclusion that you want. Show me your personal growth. Don't tell me that you've grown.

Central to my ability to see my own vulnerabilities and act to mitigate them were what my experiences had divulged, for only those who realize their shortcomings are willing to learn; if one believes there is little one doesn’t know, then personal development would slow, if not cease altogether. I always know there is something new to learn, and with this can-do attitude, I believe no challenge is insurmountable. Central to the success of my scholarly-attitude is being preemptive, as preempting has often yielded great friends, pecuniary rewards, and invaluable tenets of wisdom

Still too abstract, which really cuts against the words you're writing. You're effectively saying "I'm a practical, real-world person" in the most academic, head-in-the-clouds way possible.

Taking the initiative is accomplished in many ways, but like many others, my trial by fire was undertaken in the legal and real estate business worlds.

You're starting to come back to Earth here. However, you're still bathing your writing in abstraction and cliche. What's wrong with condensing the entire PS to this point in two sentences?
First sentence:
* Coming out of undergrad all I had was theoretical knowledge
* I didn't have the experience and confidence to apply knowledge in the real world
Second sentence:
* I developed practical skills by working
* I worked at a law firm and a real estate firm

With those two sentences, the stage is set that you're going to be talking about your growth between undergrad and now and that you're going to be talking about the growth from passive knowledge to active application (aka initiative). What you have now is a paragraph of wandering through abstract concepts with a tenuous connection to your personal fitness for law school.

For instance, during my time as an assistant to a Criminal Defense Attorney, a client who was in county jail had some issues with receiving and sending mail from jail. I quickly responded by informing the Attorney and personally going down to the jail intake center to resolve the issue.

Tell this story for a paragraph instead of 2 sentences. Start by setting the stage with what makes this specific anecdote different from the work you normally did every day. Then explain what would have happened if you didn't do what you did. Then explain what did happen since you took initiative. This should all be fairly "cut and dried" explanation of what happened, without your added commentary.

By being proactive instead of reactive, not only had I better served my employer and her client, but also more importantly, I knew that consistently taking the initiative also helped instill a type of excellence in me.

As mentioned above, this is all "telling" instead of "showing." When you tell somebody that you're "proactive" and "taking initiative" and "excellent," you come off as arrogant. When you show them a story where the reader comes to the inescapable conclusion that you're proactive, taking initiative, and excellent, you come off as proactive, somebody who takes initiative, and excellent.

In addition, during my time as a Transaction Coordinator to a Real Estate Agent, I would personally make sure all of our clients’ needs were met in an individually fashioned manner. For example, during the escrow process–the intermediate period of selling a house–one of our clients was unavailable for a customary house inspection, so I offered my time on a Saturday–my day off–in order to ensure a timely and smooth close.

Again, this needs to be a paragraph, with the full background and explanation. Why is coming in on a Saturday so important that it made it into your PS? Currently, you've just left the impression that you came in and did some work on your off-day, which isn't particularly uncommon.

I believe in getting the job done right the first time, and ahead of schedule, so that I can focus my attention elsewhere.

More "telling" instead of "showing."

Lastly, during my time with the Real Estate Agent, I would lease properties for our clients by personally vetting any potential tenants by verifying their employment and renting histories; one time one of our lease clients had, per the contract, contracted a maid service to clean their property for the incoming tenants. Our client was out of the country at the time, so after the cleaning was done, I decided to go to the property in order to inspect their work. To my dismay, I found the property was not adequately cleaned per our client’s request; I quickly followed up with the cleaning company and vigorously represented our client’s interests. In the end, our client was greatly appreciative of the extra effort, as I had not only ensured the house was properly cleaned, but I had gotten our client a discount on the cleaning.

This anecdote is better than the "came in on Saturday" one, IMO. I'd think about cutting out the "came in on Saturday" one in favor of expanding this one. I think that you need to give it the same treatment as I mentioned regarding the law firm anecdote, and you need to avoid the abstractions like "vigorously represented our client's interests." That's just an empty phrase.

My experiences have made me who I am today: an individual who is willing to learn something new every day, whether it is at work, in school, with friends, or with family.

You have this friends and family thing at the beginning and the end of your PS, and it catches my eye every time I read it. You can't make unsupported assertions in your conclusion. The theme of your conclusion should be along the lines of "Clearly I'm a good fit for law school because of the growth I described in the previous paragraphs." Introducing new matter in the conclusion just confuses the reader.

Through many of those experiences, I would often execute what needed to be done without specific instruction. Nevertheless, taking the initiative in everyday life has not only helped me to overcome some obstacles, but has also compelled me to learn as much as possible from my invaluable experiences. By having a positive attitude with a proactive willingness to learn, I seize the day, knowing all too well that the lessons imparted today may well be some of the most important lessons of my life.

I think this is still too abstract for a conclusion. How about wrapping your growth up into a tidy little bow for the reader? Take 2 or 3 sentences to walk the reader through what they just read, and then cap it off with a sentence about how you developed initiative through your job experiences. Then, use the final 2 or 3 sentences of the conclusion to tell the reader that this has made you a good candidate for law school.

[luckboxr]

I rewrote the entire thing. Please be as tough as possible. Thank you very much.

The sun was scorching that day; I could feel its warm glow on my face even when I was in shade. The water of Lake Havasu was glimmering like an inviting mirage of an oasis deep in the desert. The constant temptation of the water made it all the harder to mitigate the consistent bickering between my mom and stepfather, but as my sister loudly proclaimed, “I want to go on the water”, her excitement rekindled mine, and my anxiousness was briefly subdued. However, my anxiousness consumed me once again when I realized I would be water-skiing for the first time today. As a young child, I was no stranger to water; I would often go to the beach to swim and body board. Yet my natural tendencies that day seem to have been temporarily numbed, for my anxiousness and fear for the coming afternoon was palpably growing. Still, these feelings were not completely out of place, as I distinctly remember having a fear of treading in deep and murky open water. A fear essentially about the unknown, because in water with little to no visibility, you are essentially blind. My imagination would run amok in a desperate, but ultimately futile attempt to plug in the gap—the empty image of what I could not see. Like some young children, my inexperienced imagination would occasionally get the better of me, but my determination to use my imagination to my advantage was also apparent that day as I slowly overcame my fear of water by confronting my fear, not avoiding it. I could either be more optimistic or pessimistic with my imagination; initially, I was pessimistic, because I would assume the negative version of the unknown; eventually, once in the water and skiing, I would become more optimistic with my imagination’s interpretation, and dissociate the fear of the unknown with the water.

Once out on the river in a suitable location, I reluctantly plunged into the water. Initially, the shock of the water’s briskness only added to the unpleasantness of floating in such a huge mass of water, but I distracted myself from my thoughts by equipping the water skis. The worst part was waiting, especially in such uncomfortable surroundings where time seemed to slow. Conversely, it seemed like time had sped up once the boat had begun to pull the ski line, and me, through the water. As I was being dragged along, I failed several attempts to get up and ride on the water skis. Although I was initially discouraged by my failed attempts, I progressively became more motivated as my desire to try water skiing overcame my fear of failure. It was not long after that I achieved my goal and reaped the reward by riding on water skis on the surface of my apparent dread. Still, something seemed to have changed, for when I eventually lost balance and fell back into the water, I remerged from the water a different boy. For a moment, the water had changed - it was more than cleansing; it felt like it had the ability to wash away anxiety. I then realized it was not the water, but my perception of the water, which had transformed from centering on its negative aspects, to its more positive aspects. Instead of associating the water with the unknown, as I had initially done, I was now confident with the knowledge of water skiing, and associated that with the water.

Taking a plunge into the unknown is sometimes terrifying, but I have learned through experience that focusing on positive thoughts can help anesthetize the negative ones. Conquering fear, or conquering the unknown, can be achieved by using knowledge to suppress and ultimately eliminate that fear, or gap in knowledge. Like my younger self, I am always seeking to conquer my fears and my gaps in knowledge. The charm of the unknown is its intriguing mystery, which motivates me to want to know, for there can be no true justice if the picture is incomplete or elusive. As an instinctive truth seeker, I believe the study of law would inspire me to seek a complete image without bias, and regardless of the situation.

[sjp200]

The sun was scorching that day; I could feel its warm glow on my face even when I was in shade.

Scorching and warm glow do not complement each other as far as the intensity of the phrases. Warm glow seems pleasant, scorching is not.

The water of Lake Havasu was glimmering like an inviting mirage of an oasis deep in the desert. The constant temptation of the water made it all the harder to mitigate the consistent bickering between my mom and stepfather, but as my sister loudly proclaimed, “I want to go on the water”, her excitement rekindled mine, and my anxiousness was briefly subdued. However, my anxiousness consumed me once again when I realized I would be water-skiing for the first time today. As a young child, I was no stranger to water; I would often go to the beach to swim and body board. Yet my natural tendencies that day seem to have been temporarily numbed, for my anxiousness and fear for the coming afternoon was palpably growing. Still, these feelings were not completely out of place, as I distinctly remember having a fear of treading in deep and murky open water. A fear essentially about the unknown, because in water with little to no visibility, you are essentially blind. My imagination would run amok in a desperate, but ultimately futile attempt to plug in the gap—the empty image of what I could not see. Like some young children, my inexperienced imagination would occasionally get the better of me, but my determination to use my imagination to my advantage was also apparent that day as I slowly overcame my fear of water by confronting my fear, not avoiding it.

We've gotten very far into this narrative without knowing anything worthwhile about you. It's very distracting to the reader to have to think about when this is going to start getting to the point while reading. Most of the prior is actually portraying you in unfavorable light as well.

I could either be more optimistic or pessimistic with my imagination; initially, I was pessimistic, because I would assume the negative version of the unknown; eventually, once in the water and skiing, I would become more optimistic with my imagination’s interpretation, and dissociate the fear of the unknown with the water.

This is distractingly verbose

Once out on the river in a suitable location, I reluctantly plunged into the water. Initially, the shock of the water’s briskness only added to the unpleasantness of floating in such a huge mass of water, but I distracted myself from my thoughts by equipping the water skis.

This seems like a better start to the entire narrative if you get rid of the first clause and only start with the sentence "I reluctantly plunged into the water". Also, "equip" seems like a weird verb to describe putting on water skis.

The worst part was waiting, especially in such uncomfortable surroundings where time seemed to slow. Conversely, it seemed like time had sped up once the boat had begun to pull the ski line, and me, through the water. As I was being dragged along, I failed several attempts to get up and ride on the water skis. Although I was initially discouraged by my failed attempts, I progressively became more motivated as my desire to try water skiing overcame my fear of failure. It was not long after that I achieved my goal and reaped the reward by riding on water skis on the surface of my apparent dread. Still, something seemed to have changed, for when I eventually lost balance and fell back into the water, I remerged from the water a different boy. For a moment, the water had changed - it was more than cleansing; it felt like it had the ability to wash away anxiety. I then realized it was not the water, but my perception of the water, which had transformed from centering on its negative aspects, to its more positive aspects. Instead of associating the water with the unknown, as I had initially done, I was now confident with the knowledge of water skiing, and associated that with the water.

I'm honestly not interested in this PS by this point. I think you should find a truly meaningful experience or set of related experiences that accurately summarizes who you are as a person or depicts your maturation. The vibe I'm getting from this is that you are taking an experience and really reaching to make it meaningful in your life.

Taking a plunge into the unknown is sometimes terrifying, but I have learned through experience that focusing on positive thoughts can help anesthetize the negative ones. Conquering fear, or conquering the unknown, can be achieved by using knowledge to suppress and ultimately eliminate that fear, or gap in knowledge. Like my younger self, I am always seeking to conquer my fears and my gaps in knowledge. The charm of the unknown is its intriguing mystery, which motivates me to want to know, for there can be no true justice if the picture is incomplete or elusive. As an instinctive truth seeker, I believe the study of law would inspire me to seek a complete image without bias, and regardless of the situation.

It just seems like a stretch to me at this point. The last point on being unbias is unrealistic. You will always be bias towards your client or else you aren't pouring everything you have into supporting your client. Before you start writing and editing, I encourage you to look at the sample PS's both in the forum and the ones that are critically reviewed on the main website to get a better feel for the "idea" of the personal statement.

[luckboxr]

Thanks SJP200, you've really helped. I trashed the other draft.