URGENT PS FEEDBACK, CAN ANYONE HELP? Forum

[LaDawn]

A challenge is my favorite form of entertainment. So when Isaiah, my college boyfriend, and I took Dr. Hilliard Lackey’s history class, a competition had to occur. Now, I am the “study hard to get good grades” learner while information seemed to come naturally for Isaiah. We enrolled in the Monday, Wednesday, and Friday class sessions; and started to compete for the highest grade. When I learned that he had a higher average than me, I strategized. I read various supplemental topic-relevant readings outside of the course text and decided to attend Dr. Lackey’s Tuesday and Thursday class to reinforce and learn the subject matter. After one of the Thursday sessions had ended, Dr. Lackey summoned me, “Gavin, what are you doing here?” I informed him of the competition, and he was impressed with my overachievement. At the end of the semester, not only did I “beat” Isaiah, but I won the overall history department award.
My life is impacted with situations that show how God’s favor and my determination have allowed me to be successful in various endeavors. My teaching career is evidence of this. On my first day as a substitute teacher, I was assigned a class that had a reputation of running teachers away. However, when the assistant principal walked into the classroom and found these kids quiet and on-task with their studies, she was impressed. Later that day, the principal walked to the classroom and offered a long term substitute teacher position in Biology. After a few months, I felt that I was doing an injustice to my students because my background was in English not Biology and decided to stop teaching the class. When I informed the principal my decision, he offered me a contracted English position.
A few years later, our school administration discreetly decided to consolidate the two California Partnership Academies on our campuses into one academy. They appointed me to be the new Lead Director- a position highly sought after due to budget control and supervisory experience -over both of the existing experienced Academy Lead Directors. While this was an honor, it was also a challenge because I had to rely heavily on training from the two individuals who had just been demoted from their positions. However, due to our working relationship prior to this, the former Lead Directors were willing to train and support me. It was evident that these two teachers were struggling with the Principal’s decision and their decrease in salary; however, God made the situation one that was amicable and allowed me to be a successful Lead Director with academic growth of our Academy students during my tenure in this position.
In 2014, God gave me an idea to create a television show for our school with the goal of educating while entertaining our students on socio-economic issues. It was the first professional production that was done by the school and offered great cinematic exposure to our students. So I wrote the script, borrowed and raised money for the production, and secured four different locations- in addition to full access of our school campus- for the production. There were several challenges that occurred- such as two students who had lead parts failing to appear the day of the shoot. I quickly recast and got everything done within the allotted time. I felt really resourceful and grateful that I was able to provide this opportunity for all involved. We currently have an offer to appear on the television station PBS (Public Broadcasting System) after we completed the final edits.
I am interested to see how divine favor and determination will be a blessing for myself and others in the field of law. It would be exciting to be an advocate in education reform to improve the circumstances that my colleagues and students often complain about. Because I have never been a lawyer, I can not attest to the type of lawyer I would be. However, it is my hope that my future endeavors mimic my past success, and I become a great attorney.

[lymenheimer]

I am on mobile so my response here will be short. I may come back later and give more in depth and specific critique, but this will have to do for now:

Your PS has a very uncertain direction. You seem to bounce from topic to topic and hit the reader with unexpected next steps, which makes me question your strength in your English background. Take out God. Either that or take out names/references to an individual's gender. Some people have trouble reconciling "God showing favor to sinners" (assuming same sex based on names) and its just a bit too risky for a spot in your PS where it isnt necessary and can be avoided.

You have a lot of unnecessay information. Not necessarily redundancies, but fluff stuff that isnt pertinent and takes up space. The reader doesnt need to know which days the classes were on. You can just say you "went to a different section to supplement your understanding". And im not sure that competitive of a mindset is one that is looked upon favorably. Schools try and flaunt how cordial their students are, not how aggressive.

Also, your biology class story sounds like a farce. It just so happened that you had the worst class in the school paying attention on the day the principal showed up? And then you just so happened to feel like you were doing an injustice so you left the class, but you had them straightened out and loved the class for sure? My radar says bull, and thats why it needs to be changed.

Your PS doesnt really say much about you other than you being aggressively competitive and reportedly lucky ("divine favor"). And what it does say, it tells rather than shows. And with a background in english (which you put interesting weight on in this PS) im kind of surprised that some of these elements are in here. It reads like a first draft.

[bmo]

Agreed with all directly above.

You may be offended by this, but that's okay. It seems like you're doing that thing that my aunts do on facebook where they post "LOOK AT MY GREAT LIFE PRAISE BE TO GOD"--it's an alternate form of humblebrag where you pretend it's about God but really it's about you. Now, in a PS you DO want it to be all about you, and you DO want to brag. And it sounds like you have a lot of great experiences for which you should be extremely proud. So don't sink your ship because you want to deflect attention from yourself or feel uncomfortable just saying "look at what I did" and leaving it at that. Instead, either don't talk about God at all, or actually mention that religion is big in your life (and why)--just don't do the awkward mix.

Agreed that you need some sort of unifying theme. Personally, I would focus on your teaching experiences. I was a former teacher, so I know it can be hard to actually admit why you want to leave teaching (for me, I just didn't like it; it was boring and hard. But that doesn't sound as good as "I just wanted to do more to help the kids"). But it seems like you've had a great time and achieved a lot of success--so why do you want to go to law school now? That's what the schools really want to hear.

Personally, I admire your dedication in the first paragraph, but I also need to inform you that it makes you sound like a gunner. Schools, especially top schools, do not want gunners. They want SECRET gunner. People that will be nice and cordial and fun to each other and all get along and then go home and work their asses off. Be one of those people. Not the ones who are going to sprint up to the professor's podium the minute class ends.

Summary--good work, great experiences, you have a lot to work with. Rewrite for more cohesion, more humility (do brag, just don't do it overtly), and more personality.

[LaDawn]

[quote="lymenheimer"]I am on mobile so my response here will be short. I may come back later and give more in depth and specific critique, but this will have to do for now:

Your PS has a very uncertain direction. You seem to bounce from topic to topic and hit the reader with unexpected next steps, which makes me question your strength in your English background. Take out God. Either that or take out names/references to an individual's gender. Some people have trouble reconciling "God showing favor to sinners" (assuming same sex based on names) and its just a bit too risky for a spot in your PS where it isnt necessary and can be avoided.

You have a lot of unnecessay information. Not necessarily redundancies, but fluff stuff that isnt pertinent and takes up space. The reader doesnt need to know which days the classes were on. You can just say you "went to a different section to supplement your understanding". And im not sure that competitive of a mindset is one that is looked upon favorably. Schools try and flaunt how cordial their students are, not how aggressive.

Also, your biology class story sounds like a farce. It just so happened that you had the worst class in the school paying attention on the day the principal showed up? And then you just so happened to feel like you were doing an injustice so you left the class, but you had them straightened out and loved the class for sure? My radar says bull, and thats why it needs to be changed.

Your PS doesnt really say much about you other than you being aggressively competitive and reportedly lucky ("divine favor"). And what it does say, it tells rather than shows. And with a background in english (which you put interesting weight on in this PS) im kind of surprised that some of these elements are in here. It reads like a first draft.

[/quote=LaDawn] Thank you very much for your response. I agree re: the unnecessary information; I was focused on telling the story. I would appreciate any additional information.

[LaDawn]

Agreed with all directly above.

You may be offended by this, but that's okay. It seems like you're doing that thing that my aunts do on facebook where they post "LOOK AT MY GREAT LIFE PRAISE BE TO GOD"--it's an alternate form of humblebrag where you pretend it's about God but really it's about you. Now, in a PS you DO want it to be all about you, and you DO want to brag. And it sounds like you have a lot of great experiences for which you should be extremely proud. So don't sink your ship because you want to deflect attention from yourself or feel uncomfortable just saying "look at what I did" and leaving it at that. Instead, either don't talk about God at all, or actually mention that religion is big in your life (and why)--just don't do the awkward mix.

Agreed that you need some sort of unifying theme. Personally, I would focus on your teaching experiences. I was a former teacher, so I know it can be hard to actually admit why you want to leave teaching (for me, I just didn't like it; it was boring and hard. But that doesn't sound as good as "I just wanted to do more to help the kids"). But it seems like you've had a great time and achieved a lot of success--so why do you want to go to law school now? That's what the schools really want to hear.

Personally, I admire your dedication in the first paragraph, but I also need to inform you that it makes you sound like a gunner. Schools, especially top schools, do not want gunners. They want SECRET gunner. People that will be nice and cordial and fun to each other and all get along and then go home and work their asses off. Be one of those people. Not the ones who are going to sprint up to the professor's podium the minute class ends.

Summary--good work, great experiences, you have a lot to work with. Rewrite for more cohesion, more humility (do brag, just don't do it overtly), and more personality.

Thank you very much, bmo. I wasn't offended at all, and I understand your viewpoint. You have been very insightful.

[LaDawn]

I am on mobile so my response here will be short. I may come back later and give more in depth and specific critique, but this will have to do for now:

Your PS has a very uncertain direction. You seem to bounce from topic to topic and hit the reader with unexpected next steps, which makes me question your strength in your English background. Take out God. Either that or take out names/references to an individual's gender. Some people have trouble reconciling "God showing favor to sinners" (assuming same sex based on names) and its just a bit too risky for a spot in your PS where it isnt necessary and can be avoided.

You have a lot of unnecessay information. Not necessarily redundancies, but fluff stuff that isnt pertinent and takes up space. The reader doesnt need to know which days the classes were on. You can just say you "went to a different section to supplement your understanding". And im not sure that competitive of a mindset is one that is looked upon favorably. Schools try and flaunt how cordial their students are, not how aggressive.

Also, your biology class story sounds like a farce. It just so happened that you had the worst class in the school paying attention on the day the principal showed up? And then you just so happened to feel like you were doing an injustice so you left the class, but you had them straightened out and loved the class for sure? My radar says bull, and thats why it needs to be changed.

Your PS doesnt really say much about you other than you being aggressively competitive and reportedly lucky ("divine favor"). And what it does say, it tells rather than shows. And with a background in english (which you put interesting weight on in this PS) im kind of surprised that some of these elements are in here. It reads like a first draft.

[/quote=LaDawn] Thank you very much for your response. I agree re: the unnecessary information; I was focused on telling the story. I would appreciate any additional information.

Also clarifying, it was a heterosexual relationship; I am a female. However, I understand your point.

[lymenheimer]

Also clarifying, it was a heterosexual relationship; I am a female. However, I understand your point.

Gotcha. The only Gavins I know are male, so please understand my comments in that context.

[totesTheGoat]

This is going to be a touch blunt, especially in the first impressions. I don't do it to be mean, but to give you an idea of what an adcomm is going to think when they look at this.

First impressions:
1) I really couldn't care less what entertains you. I want to know what drives you.
2) That is a BIG ol' wall of text (put blank lines between your paragraphs or else I go crosseyed). This
3) I don't really care whose class you're taking
4) God is pretty awesome! Why should that make me let you into law school? Your PS is about you, not about God.

Now, I am the...

Don't do that. This is a formal writing, not a colloquial conversation.

After one of the Thursday sessions had ended, Dr. Lackey summoned me, “Gavin, what are you doing here?” I informed him of the competition, and he was impressed with my overachievement.

You're doing storytelling instead of a personal statement. As an adcomm, I couldn't care less about what some history prof thinks of you.

My life is impacted with situations that show how God’s favor and my determination have allowed me to be successful in various endeavors.

You're being entirely too passive and entirely too faux-humble. This PS is about you, not about God's favor. Adcomms don't care that you attribute your successes to God. They're trying to evaluate you, not God.

So I wrote the script, borrowed and raised money for the production, and secured four different locations- in addition to full access of our school campus- for the production. There were several challenges that occurred- such as two students who had lead parts failing to appear the day of the shoot. I quickly recast and got everything done within the allotted time. I felt really resourceful and grateful that I was able to provide this opportunity for all involved. We currently have an offer to appear on the television station PBS (Public Broadcasting System) after we completed the final edits.

This, again, is rather informal and is telling a story rather than crafting a narrative.

I'm going to skip to the conclusion and then give some general feedback.

I am interested to see how divine favor and determination will be a blessing for myself and others in the field of law.

This does nothing to tell an adcomm that you're a qualified candidate for law school.

It would be exciting to be an advocate in education reform to improve the circumstances that my colleagues and students often complain about.

It sure would be. It would also be exciting to be President. The question isn't what you want to do, it's whether you're qualified to do it.

Because I have never been a lawyer, I can not attest to the type of lawyer I would be.

This is exactly the wrong way to approach a PS. Your entire PS should be themed around "Even though I've never been a lawyer, I know I'll be a great lawyer because of X, Y, and Z."

However, it is my hope that my future endeavors mimic my past success, and I become a great attorney.

Again, your theme is missing the mark. A PS is about why you're qualified to be a lawyer, not about why you want to be a lawyer.

GENERAL COMMENTS:
I think your PBS anecdote is salvageable. I think most of the rest is a bunch of fluff that is inappropriate for a PS.

You really want to stick to 1 or maybe 2 anecdotes. This isn't about telling your entire life story.

Use this general formula on your PBS anecdote:
1) I had an opportunity to do something meaningful, but I knew it would be hard to pull off.
2) I did something meaningful, and it was very worthwhile.
3) While doing something meaningful, I had personal growth.
4) This personal growth is relevant to my eventual success in law school because _____.
5) Therefore, I will be a successful law student.

While doing this, avoid meaningless details. Every sentence should point back to you and why you're qualified for law school. If a sentence doesn't bolster your "qualifiedness" for law school, either directly or indirectly, then it's not worth putting in your PS.

I think you need to work on showing rather than telling. You do a lot of telling what you feel, what you learned, what you accomplished. Try showing it instead.

I would start here:

In 2014, God gave me an idea to create a television show for our school with the goal of educating while entertaining our students on socio-economic issues.

However, I'd cut out the fluff (you can even include the idea of Divine Inspiration, but tone it down from 11 to about a 2):

In 2014, I had an idea, by the Grace of God, to create a television show for our school. As Lead Director at California Partnership Academies, I wanted to educate our students about socio-economic issues through a television show. However, kids will immediately tune out if they're not entertained by the media that they are shown at school. Through my creativity, I had taken on the responsibility of creating a new educational program from scratch. I had been taking on growing responsibility since I graduated from college, but I had never undertaken such a monumental task.

Notice the shift in tone. It's now much more about how you were given a difficult problem, and about describing the difficulty of overcoming this problem. It sets you up... you're a mountain climber at the bottom of Everest. The reader now wants to know whether you make it to the top or whether you freeze to death. Notice that this is the start of a paragraph or two for section 1) from above.

[LaDawn]

Your feedback is especially helpful. I am starting from scratch now. Going to repost after making all the suggested change. Thanks!