Personal Statement Rough Draft - Review Help Needed! Forum

[The Patriot12]

Here is my personal statement rough draft. I know it is long, but I did not see a way to trim it down and get my point across. All reviews, good or bad, are appreciated. Tear it apart if you have to. Thanks for your time and help.

I raised my right hand. Standing at attention, I said, "I, _____, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies...so help me God." An uncontrollable smile came across my face as I walked out of the room, realizing the significance of what took place. I had just been sworn in to the United States Army. This was the proudest day of my life. My childhood dream that I had worked so hard for was now a reality. However, all of the blood and sweat I had shed, and the pain and suffering I had endured on my journey to get to this point would be for nothing, as this dream would soon turn into a nightmare.

The day was September 11, 2001. I was sitting in my fifth grade class; contemplating what activities I would participate in during the upcoming recess. The door opened as my teacher walked in with a desolate look on her face. She gathered the class together and explained that two airplanes, hijacked by terrorists, were flown into the World Trade Centers in New York City, killing a vast amount of people. As she explained the magnitude of this incident, I remember praying for the families of those killed and cursing the fanatics, in a way only a fifth grader could, that harmed innocent Americans. At ten years old, this was the moment that I developed an unconditional love for the United States, the flag, and my fellow countrymen. Inside me, a fire was ignited that catalyzed a burning desire to protect the weak and defenseless—a desire that would turn into a fifth grade boy's dream.

Nearly eight years later, as high school came to an end, I had a decision to make—pursue my goal and enlist in the Army, or accept an offer I was given to play college soccer and attain my degree. I opted for the latter. I had dedicated my life to soccer since the ripe age of four, a period where I learned the value of leadership, teamwork, and determination, developed a superlative drive to succeed, and forged a tenacious work ethic, attributes that were imperative to the process of maturing into the man I am today. I had worked my way, from the lowest division, to the top echelon in youth soccer, eventually captaining my club and high school teams. Furthermore, recognizing my passion for soccer, my parents, hesitant about me serving as an enlisted soldier in such a perilous time, suggested that I take this opportunity to utilize my athletic prowess as a means to receive an education, subsequently joining the military as an officer. While I enjoyed being a collegiate athlete, the longing to become a soldier still resided within me, the call of duty beckoned for me to answer it, like a siren to a sailor. I acknowledged it, and, after my freshman year, I quit soccer and chose to enroll in my school's Army ROTC program.

Once I joined ROTC, I became captivated with the environment, the culture, and the attitude it exemplified. The cadre, instructors, and cadets were dedicated to serving a purpose bigger than any one of them alone—a purpose I, too, shared. I felt at home, in a place I could shine. I was determined to become the best cadet I could be. With my goal in mind, I pushed myself to new limits, conquering fears and excelling in my physical training, as well as my classes. Due to my success in the program, the cadre approached me with an offer to contract with the Army, which, had I signed, would have granted me a full scholarship and ensured my commission upon graduation. In a rare moment of uncertainty, I chose to decline for other obligations. If I had made the right decision at the time, I would have accomplished my goal, and I would not be telling this story. However, the story continues, as I fought the hindrances that plagued my path to attaining my dream.

Simultaneously to my enrollment in ROTC, I joined the ____________ fraternity. While the consequences were considerable, it was one of the greatest decisions I have made in my life. Unfortunately, I could not give 110% to both organizations at the same time. My father always told me, "If you are going to do something. Do it right." With his advice in mind, and three years left in college, I decided the Army could wait. Although I chose brotherhood over the military for the time being, I learned invaluable lessons and traits, such as responsibility and how to coordinate, organize, and communicate effectively. I sought to defend the oppressed as a soldier, but I discovered that I could accomplish this by contributing to charities and participating in fundraisers. The fraternity had allowed me to serve my purpose through the community, aiding the destitute and less fortunate. I cherished my newfound passion, but the call of duty summoned once again.

I dropped out of school after my sixth semester. I could not subdue my urge to serve any longer, so I went to the Army recruiting office to inquire about joining. After weeks of completing seemingly endless paperwork and training, I was finally given the green light. I enlisted in the United States Army on May 8, 2012 as a Special Forces candidate. I was going to have the opportunity to join the Green Berets, whose motto, loosely translated, means, "to liberate the oppressed." I had accomplished my dream. However, upon leaving Fort Sam, my head held high with pride, little did I know that less than a month later my aspirations would be brought to a screeching halt.

In the early morning of June 5, 2012, driving home to attend a workout session, I was involved in a major highway accident that turned my world upside down. Although I do not remember the moments leading up to the collision, I do remember the destruction that followed. As I sat in the mangled vehicle, airbags deployed, smoke billowing from the engine, glass shards blanketing the interior, and blood running profusely down my face, my thoughts were not about the fact that I should have been killed, but, rather, whether my dream was over. In the accident I received a traumatic brain injury—a diagnosis that would obliterate my endeavor. Once I had healed, I informed my recruiter of the situation, hoping and praying for the best. On September 20, 2012, five days before I was to ship to basic training, I received a phone call. My recruiter informed me that I would be medically dropped from the Army, requiring a two-year suspension. When the initial shock wore off, I remembered a quote a Navy SEAL friend once told me, "Success doesn't come to you. You go to it." Determined to succeed, I made plans to overcome this dreadful obstacle.

I enrolled back in school and graduated two years later. A superb attainment in a difficult time. I decided I would not let a brain injury hold me back from my dreams. Upon completion of my medical suspension, I went back to the recruiter to reenlist, yearning to amend my destiny. My fate would not change. Again I was denied enlistment by the doctors, then once more after that. I attempted to pursue my goal of serving in the military three times—remaining faithful to my vow to never give up until the very end. Heartbroken, I came to a conclusion; God spared me for a reason. That reason would lead me to the road I am on today—the road to law school.

Against overwhelming odds, I have overcome all adversity I have faced, whether I attained my dream or not, in my quest to defend the oppressed. While it took a life-altering event to understand what my purpose in life was, I have proven to myself and all of those who have doubted me, that I have the power to achieve anything I desire. My dream turned into a nightmare, but I awoke from that nightmare with a new dream. If I cannot provide protection for the weak and justice for the innocent with a weapon in my hands, I will do it with the law on my back. I firmly believe that ___________ will afford me the greatest opportunity to succeed in my endeavors. The hindrances I have confronted in my life have made me a stronger person. I will enter law school as a hardworking, dedicated, and determined student because of my struggles. I promise, with God, experience, and an unparalleled devotion to succeed on my side, to be an asset to your law school program and a defender of American citizens in need of help. As G. K. Chesterton once said, "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him."

[Cavetold]

You definitely need to take this in to a writing center. It seems like you spent the majority of your time "crafting" the story and did not spend enough time reformatting etc. It took me one day to write my PS, and another two weeks tweaking it. Personally, I'd refrain from statements like "I dropped to my knees and wept," even if it's true because it make you sound emotionally unstable even if it was understandably that big of a deal.

[The Patriot12]

Thanks for the input! I will definitely omit the part you specified. I started writing it today and kept going until I finished. As this is my first attempt, any structural advice helps!