Personal Statement Review Request (Please and Thank you!) Forum

[Anonymous User]

Any and all suggestions are much appreciated! Thank you!!


As I held my hand up high, I looked down at my chest and could see the shine glimmering off my new badge. I repeated the oath after my police chief, swearing to uphold the law, the Constitution, and to serve the public. As I said the oath, I looked beyond the police chief and could see my parents. I thought about how just years prior we were homeless and now my accomplishment has brought joy to my family. However, the joy of my new career would run out rather quickly. Before I knew it, I found I would be confronted with a department plagued by corruption.

I was ten years old when we left our home state. My father had recently been in two severe car accidents leaving him physically disabled. Not long after arriving in our new state, my parents had to move us out of our apartment and go on an “extended camping trip”. The camping trip was last minute since we were evicted from where we had been staying. My parents were able to gather enough money together and we began to live out of various motels because the van my parents had was repossessed. During the despairing time, there was one thing that held my attention and kept me away from getting into any trouble while homeless; this was law enforcement. I dreamed of the day that I would become a police officer. I idolized law enforcement; I thought the uniform looked sharp and I whole heartily believed in the concepts of helping the innocent and upholding the law. The thoughts of homelessness seemed like distant memories while I swore the oath of a police officer.

As time passed, I received several awards for my performance as a police officer. However, I had been told that certain individuals, especially government employees were to be given a pass by the chief. I immediately thought of the cases that I had forwarded to the District Attorney against some government employees. I logged into the report system and found several of my cases missing and a few altered. I inquired with a former training officer about the missing cases. He replied by telling me it happens even though it is not legal. I was outraged and replied by saying that I would not let it go and that I will take it to the District Attorney’s Office. He then stated doing so would be a mistake that I would regret.

I could not believe that selective enforcement was not only accepted, but also promoted by the police chief. I could not stand for the injustice of selective enforcement. While at work, I began composing a detailed report to the District Attorney on the selective enforcement occurring in the department, including the kickbacks occurring between the department and a local towing company.

The days following my report, I was ordered to come into the police department by the police chief. When I did, I was told that I was being terminated without a reason. The police chief waived over a sergeant whom he ordered to search me. When I asked why I was being searched, no answer was given. I was shocked, confused, and felt fearful. However, I quickly realized that my department, a department I was preparing to report for corruption was detaining me and searching me and my vehicle illegally. I heard a fellow officer start yelling that what was occurring was illegal, and shouted that he was sick of the corruption. I watched other officers look over at me cautiously as if they would be next if they spoke out against the department.

While I felt discouraged by what I had experienced, I continued my passion for the law and decided that I would go back to school to become an attorney. That I would fight injustice and stand up for what is right under the law. I went back and finished courses at the community college ensuring that I excelled in each and every course. I then transferred these credits to continue my education at XXXXXXX University. I excelled because I will do my very best to ensure I will be able to represent justice for all persons. I will do what it takes to continue to uphold the oath I swore and serve the public.

[lymenheimer]

Interesting story, but the timeline doesn't flow well and needs to be polished.
"I thought about how just years prior we were homeless and now my accomplishment has brought joy to my family."
This is not confusing, but "just" (a seemingly definite term) and "years prior" (numerous and not as definite) shouldn't be together like this, at least not the way I'm reading it.

Your second paragraph as a flashback is ill-placed. It sort of leads me into your desires to join law enforcement. But it also seems to be an introduction to an attempted statement of hardship (being homeless for a while), which has no comment later in your PS. I guess it's the tone and direction that change so drastically that's throwing me off.

As an aside: I think it's common that government employees (at least the ranking officers and actual executives) get a bit of a pass while on duty. Now, if the offenses were egregious, then sure it can be a large issue. But if you're talking about riding your high horse for ticketing a Senator for going 35 in a 25, that's a little silly (not from a general enforcement standpoint, but from an "I'm an enforcer of the law and I give no quarter" kind of angle that you're suggesting).

You might wanna be careful with how ardently you express your whistle-blowing. I get that you are all in for justice and doing what's right (and not that future employers will see this), but nobody is going to want to hire you if they feel you will rat on them for doing something not 100% by the books. And a law school may see that characteristic and think "unemployable" (I'm a 0L, have no experience in adcomms, etc. - just an added thought).

"I excelled because I will do my very best to ensure I will be able to represent justice for all persons."
This is not as strong a sentence as you were hoping. The way I am reading it (which may be incorrect), you do not explain at all why you excelled. You "excelled" (past tense) because you "will do" (future tense). And this may be me nitpicking, but it tripped me up, which is a concern when going through a PS.

I think that you can turn this into a good PS, but you seem to present more of a story here, than a concrete elaboration of your thesis which I assume is something like "I want to be a lawyer to represent justice, and I can excel because I did well when I went back to school" (but you could have taken fluff courses, a law degree is more versatile than just representing justice, etc.)

[Alive97]

I agree with the above that the story about the corruption can be made shorter. Tell the facts of the story and then go beyond it, talking about you and why you want to go to law school. Personally I wouldn't worry about overplaying the whistleblower thing, in fact I would make it the centerpiece of your paper and develop your argument for why you want to go to law school around it.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you for the suggestions!

It was more than a civil citation but was some criminal cases. The chief and a sergeant were both terminated after I submitted my report. I am going to rewrite some of those parts so it sounds a bit better explained. I am also going to work on how this translates into going to law school.

Thank you again!!