Personal statement critique Forum

[GMasters5]

Comment/DM if interested. I'll also be willing to read other people's statements and offer feedback. I'm getting close to sending in my applications in the next few days and would appreciate it very much! Also, please be harsh.

Edit:

The adrenaline shot rapidly through my body. I was in uncharted waters, but the ambiguity of the situation excited me. Our mission was to catch the fastest fish in the ocean – the sailfish. To my surprise, I hooked one in the middle of the Caribbean Sea. I saw the elegant creature jump gracefully out of the water and immediately knew the fight was on. Bear, our guide, warned me that if I tried to reel the fish in too quickly then the force alone would snap the line. Quickly, I alleviated my excitement and prepared myself for a long and arduous fight. Two hours later, the fish was in the boat and fixated into the scope of my disposable Nikon camera. I had caught my first trophy fish, but I also learned a lot about being eager to learn new things, resilient in uncertain environments, and passionate to accomplish a personal goal.

During my first semester at (college), my English professor told me that the key to true knowledge is “learning how to learn.” This struck me as simple but profound wisdom. As I thought more about it I realized that everyone can learn; however, some people are more eager to learn than others. I realized that eagerness is what truly sets some people apart from others. I took this knowledge and began applying it to anything that interested me, such as chess, sports, and subjects that I did not learn in school. Also, I began paying closer attention to situations I was put in and realized that lessons can be learned from ordinary situations in life. For example, catching my first sailfish became more than the act itself. Instead, it was an experience that was personally gratifying and culturally relevant. Yet, I soon began to realize that learning was only a small part of the der ganze Mensch, or whole person.

Growing up, I was fortunate enough to have a mother who put my well-being above her own. She was a single mother who owned her own hair salon. Looking back, I learned a lot from her in terms of accomplishing goals and putting thoughts into tangible actions. Her goal was to successfully raise me and my sister, which she did by opening her own salon in order to keep us financially stable. My goal after high school was to attend the (new college). However, money was a big issue, so I decided to stay in (hometown) until I could afford to go. During the next two years, I delivered pizzas, worked in a retail store, and did manual labor for a family friend to make money. Through this, I gained real world experience, meaningful connections to people along the way, and an aura of resilience that is virtually unbreakable. In light of this, I thought about what my English professor told me during my first semester of college, but at this point in my life I realized that the motto needed to be adapted to fit my current situation. Instead of merely being eager to learn, I realized that accomplishing goals through hard work and resilience is just as important. However, my journey and its valuable life lessons were far from over.

Although I worked hard for two years to accomplish to a personal goal, I reached a point of stagnancy once my goal was accomplished. I began taking classes in a wide range of subjects, but I could not decide on a career path. I considered being a doctor, a pharmacist, a salesman, and a teacher, but none of these career paths truly excited me at my core. As I have learned through the years, my main core values are integrity, empowerment, commitment, and stability. Law is a career that appeals to all four of these values. Law would allow me to maintain my integrity as an honest and moral person, empower me to uphold my client’s interests, grant me the ability to commit to something that is individually gratifying and historically significant, and permit me to have a stable career. In addition, the study and practice of law aligns with my strengths as a scholar, which include writing, research, and argumentation. The idea of going to law school seems practical to me, and the outcome of becoming a practicing attorney is my path to a stable future.

I am an ardent learner, a doer, and a seeker. I have thought critically about what I want my future to look like and have forged my ideal path through eagerness, resilience, and passionate goal accomplishment. Now, I seek to take the next logical step in my life by attending law school. My goal-oriented behavior will be one of my greatest assets as I am studying and practicing law. I believe my qualities and experiences as a person will translate into success during my time in law school. Law school will be a way for me to grow intellectually and pragmatically, an opportunity to do what interests me at my core, and a vehicle for a more stable and certain future.

[Alive97]

I like the structure of this, using multiple stories to build a picture of yourself. I don't think there is an argument to change the approach/structure, but maybe it can be shored up and streamlined. My understanding is as follows:

Fishing story leading to learning eagerness/resiliency amidst uncertainty/passionate goal accomplishment ->
professor story to establish learning eagerness ->
mother/college funding story to establish resiliency (also talking about goal accomplishment here) ->
college path story to arrive at ultimate goal (law school) overcoming stagnancy after previous goal ->
full exploration of law school goal

The fishing story may be a little too descriptive, you might be to able to cut to the result faster.

In the professor story, there may be instances of telling rather than showing. Consider developing out multiple examples of learning how to learn (chess etc).

In the working before college/resiliency part, I don't think you establish the "amidst uncertainty" aspect mentioned earlier. Also, you are melding the resiliency and passion for goals here. That seems logical in itself, but I'm not sure each is fully clarified. For example, why exactly did the experiences lead to resiliency? Also, I'm not sure of the chronological order because you go from the pre-college work to thinking about the professor's advice. It seems you jumped forward in time without a properly explained transition (maybe new paragraph about the point of building on top of the professors advice).

In the subsequent exploration of law school, there may not be enough connecting your reasons for law school to the picture of yourself you have developed. It seems like a list of reasons for law school somewhat independent of the prior discussion. Maybe talk more about your aforementioned qualities enabling and facilitating law study.

Overall what I am getting at is for each sentence to be clearly part of a whole, without offshoots or points left hanging. That said, don't drop your core points, because they're good.

Also change me and my to and I and I would drop the "der" phrase.

[GMasters5]

I like the structure of this, using multiple stories to build a picture of yourself. I don't think there is an argument to change the approach/structure, but maybe it can be shored up and streamlined. My understanding is as follows:

Fishing story leading to learning eagerness/resiliency amidst uncertainty/passionate goal accomplishment ->
professor story to establish learning eagerness ->
mother/college funding story to establish resiliency (also talking about goal accomplishment here) ->
college path story to arrive at ultimate goal (law school) overcoming stagnancy after previous goal ->
full exploration of law school goal

The fishing story may be a little too descriptive, you might be to able to cut to the result faster.

In the professor story, there may be instances of telling rather than showing. Consider developing out multiple examples of learning how to learn (chess etc).

In the working before college/resiliency part, I don't think you establish the "amidst uncertainty" aspect mentioned earlier. Also, you are melding the resiliency and passion for goals here. That seems logical in itself, but I'm not sure each is fully clarified. For example, why exactly did the experiences lead to resiliency? Also, I'm not sure of the chronological order because you go from the pre-college work to thinking about the professor's advice. It seems you jumped forward in time without a properly explained transition (maybe new paragraph about the point of building on top of the professors advice).

In the subsequent exploration of law school, there may not be enough connecting your reasons for law school to the picture of yourself you have developed. It seems like a list of reasons for law school somewhat independent of the prior discussion. Maybe talk more about your aforementioned qualities enabling and facilitating law study.

Overall what I am getting at is for each sentence to be clearly part of a whole, without offshoots or points left hanging. That said, don't drop your core points, because they're good.

Also change me and my to and I and I would drop the "der" phrase.

So helpful! Thank you so much

[lymenheimer]

I'd consider how you use your transitions. It seems choppy to put them at the end of the next paragraph (for those that you use transitions) and is much less safe than using transitions at the beginning to create a smoother work. I don't think your work is bad, and I caught on after the second paragraph of course, but it did seem disjointed at the outset.

[GMasters5]

I'd consider how you use your transitions. It seems choppy to put them at the end of the next paragraph (for those that you use transitions) and is much less safe than using transitions at the beginning to create a smoother work. I don't think your work is bad, and I caught on after the second paragraph of course, but it did seem disjointed at the outset.

You're right, that's the main thing I was worried about after I finished writing it. It seemed to flow well as I was writing it, but something seemed off as I reread it a couple of times. Anyways, thanks a lot for your contribution!

[totesTheGoat]

The adrenaline shot rapidly through my body. I was in uncharted waters, but the ambiguity of the situation excited me. Our mission was to catch the fastest fish in the ocean – the sailfish. To my surprise, I hooked one in the middle of the Caribbean Sea.

Personally, I don't like these "drop into a scene" intros that a lot of people do. It feels like emotional manipulation to me, so it starts me off in a negative state of mind. However, many people don't mind them, so take my personal tastes with a grain of salt.

During my first semester at (college), my English professor told me that the key to true knowledge is “learning how to learn.” This struck me as simple but profound wisdom. As I thought more about it I realized that everyone can learn; however, some people are more eager to learn than others. I realized that eagerness is what truly sets some people apart from others. I took this knowledge and began applying it to anything that interested me, such as chess, sports, and subjects that I did not learn in school. Also, I began paying closer attention to situations I was put in and realized that lessons can be learned from ordinary situations in life. For example, catching my first sailfish became more than the act itself. Instead, it was an experience that was personally gratifying and culturally relevant. Yet, I soon began to realize that learning was only a small part of the der ganze Mensch, or whole person.

I think this paragraph is good! I started out thinking that you had made a similar mistake that many PS drafts have, which is talking about a bunch of stuff going on in your head without showing any sort of application of that mental change. Then you went and proved my intuition wrong! The only thing I would do is remove "der ganze Mensch." It really doesn't add anything to your story. Also, from my limited exposure to German, I think "der" is German for "the," so your sentence reads "learning was only a small part of the the whole person, or whole person." I think that you get your point across just fine by saying "learning was only a small part of the whole person."

and an aura of resilience that is virtually unbreakable.

This comes off a little over the top to me. I would maybe rewrite that portion to be a little less dramatic.

I am an ardent learner, a doer, and a seeker.

I like what you're trying to do here, but I'm not sure it works as written.

Law school will be a way for me to grow intellectually and pragmatically

growing intellectually is a common phrase. growing pragmatically is not. Does growing pragmatically mean that you are learning practical application? Or does growing pragmatically mean that you only want to grow within the bounds of what is realistic? I'd clarify what you mean there. Perhaps like this? "a way for me to grow intellectually and learn how to practically apply my knowledge."

[GMasters5]

Thanks GOAT, super helpful!