I'd appreciate any criticism and edits anyone had before I send off applications
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Thanks!
Getting Close to Hitting Send - One last look? Forum
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southerntexan
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:51 pm
Getting Close to Hitting Send - One last look?
Last edited by southerntexan on Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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kgm1990
- Posts: 98
- Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2015 3:29 pm
Re: Getting Close to Hitting Send - One last look?
I wouldn't send it off, as it reads now. But it sounds really close to being finished! Sentence structures need some definite tweaking. Imagine how great it would be if you literally flipped some of these sentences (take your first sentence, get rid of the '-' and just kick it off with 'The most important lessons my grandfather taught me were to 'continuously...'. The way you've structured a lot of the sentences are not awful--it's just really repetitive. Also, having your subject precede the descriptor, at least the majority of the time, instead of vice versa is indescribably helpful to a reader.
Also, there are some straight-up typos:
Why is his passion pressing? Also, I wouldn't use 'revealed' right there. It's like you're discovering some weird innate Percy Jackson super power-thing when it comes to the law; instead, make the law a natural extension of your already impressive academic background. I think that's what you're trying to do here. But really it comes off as you're going into law because research just wasn't right for you. At one point, you even state that you aren't passionate about research--perhaps a mistake given researching seems a really important part of law school. Also, why even dwell on why the sciences didn't suit you. PISHAW! You're brilliant, you've just discovered a new, awesome way to redirect your brilliance to have a larger impact on your community.
Also, there are some straight-up typos:
southerntexan wrote: Now, I look forward use my leadership in a new, developing, and highly specialized field that tie together my old passion for science with my new passion for jurisprudence.
Why is his passion pressing? Also, I wouldn't use 'revealed' right there. It's like you're discovering some weird innate Percy Jackson super power-thing when it comes to the law; instead, make the law a natural extension of your already impressive academic background. I think that's what you're trying to do here. But really it comes off as you're going into law because research just wasn't right for you. At one point, you even state that you aren't passionate about research--perhaps a mistake given researching seems a really important part of law school. Also, why even dwell on why the sciences didn't suit you. PISHAW! You're brilliant, you've just discovered a new, awesome way to redirect your brilliance to have a larger impact on your community.
Your grandfather sounds cool, btw!southerntexan wrote:Even though my grandfather passed years ago, his passions for education and leadership has never felt more pressing. Continuously learning and leading others through challenges revealed my passion for becoming an intellectual property attorney. While choosing to pursue a law degree was an unexpected change in my career path, I am sure my grandfather would be proud that I am welcoming this challenge and entering a profession filled with opportunities to continuously learn and lead others.
