first time posting, could i please get some feedback?? Forum

[LancesGoodNut12]

hey everyone!

so i just finished draft #2 (draft #1 was horrific hahaha). i completely changed the topic and this one was so much easier to write, borderline fun.

i would love some genuine and honest feedback-- from content to grammar to structure.

anything and everything will help!

thanks so much

There was no going back now. At any point before I nervously walked my way into this bleak, uninviting room, I could have bailed. I could just not have shown up and no one would have cared. I would have just been the name of a guy that missed his audition. Yet here I am, completely terrified, and no longer just a name.

Why am I doing this again? I cannot think of the answer.

I introduce myself to the two students hiding behind the fold-out table and took my position in the middle of the room. I stood there for what felt like minutes, but was only mere seconds. For the first time in the 2 years I have owned it, the acoustic guitar strapped over my shoulder felt heavy. The Nikon camera they had set-up to record tonight was glaring at me. I could feel my heart beating in my ears as I waited for the cue to begin. This was it. I had been preparing for this audition for weeks, spending countless nights in my apartment rehearsing for hours and hours. I am ready, aren’t I? The second student gave me a nod and I gave my guitar a quick strum to make sure it still worked.

Good, it made a noise.

I begin to play the opening chords of Bob Dylan’s beautiful, folksy ballad, “Make You Feel My Love.” As I fingerpick my way through the intro, I go over the first verse in my head. I know the lyrics back to front, but I can’t help myself. No mistakes. To my relief, the correct words of the first verse leave my mouth in tune, then the chorus, and before I know it, I’m singing the final words of the song a cappella— just as I had practiced.

Why do I do this again? Oh, yeah... because I love it.

It may have just been the adrenaline, but in those few moments following my performance, I felt weightless. I completely forgot that I may be performing for hundreds of people in three months, not just two students. That didn’t matter. I auditioned because I love to perform. I auditioned because I love music.

And by the way, I nailed the audition.

The reason my audition was as successful as it was— despite my obvious nervousness— is due to the dedication that I have to my passions. Music has been and always will be a passion of mine. I taught myself to play the piano when I was seven years old, the drums at twelve, and the guitar at seventeen; the singing came later. It didn't matter what instrument I played or what song I sang, the passion was always still there. With that passion came hours upon hours of practicing drum solos, finding new chord progressions, writing original lyrics, and reimagining songs— hours upon hours all spent getting lost in music. I would get lost in my dedication. I would get lost in my passion.

Even though my passion for music may seem unparalleled, I share a genuine and comparable passion for the law as well. From the order that it represents to the justice that it promotes— even the policies that it enables— I will be dedicated to becoming a part of all of it. I will be dedicated to understanding it. I will be dedicated to interpreting it. I will be dedicated to upholding it. Law school is the best way to explore my passion and utilize it to my fullest potential.

The brilliant Benjamin Franklin once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”

Passion does drive me— and law school will be the reason that points me in the right direction.

[Clearly]

Just paste the content here, no one is gonna click through logged into their gmail to read it there.

[LancesGoodNut12]

fixed it! just pasted the text here instead

sorry about that

[ikethegremlin]

This kind of folksy schtick might work for applicants to an average undergraduate school, but it feels incredibly sophomoric in the context of a law school application.

There was no going back now. At any point before I nervously walked my way into this bleak, uninviting room, I could have bailed.

Cold openings that create a fake sense of suspense by leaving out useful information like where the hell you are, weren't new or exciting a decade ago. Now they just seem cliché.

Oh, yeah... because I love it.

Please don't write like that.

It may have just been the adrenaline, but in those few moments following my performance, I felt weightless.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsKj8c3NgGk

The reason my audition was as successful as it was... is due to the dedication that I have to my passions.

Ah, excellent - you're dedicated to the things you are passionate about... that really sets you apart from the applicants who are completely apathetic about literally everything. Now you just need to compete with everybody else who isn't clinically depressed.

Even though my passion for music may seem unparalleled, I share a genuine and comparable passion for the law as well. From the order that it represents to the justice that it promotes— even the policies that it enables— I will be dedicated to becoming a part of all of it.

So you've already identified the problem here - you're writing about music, not the law - but you decided to push on anyway. Well, at least you have a compelling reason for dedication to the law, right? Ah... it represents order and justice. I expect no one has ever written that before.

The brilliant Benjamin Franklin once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”

What if banality drives you? What did the brilliant Benjamin Franklin say about that?

[lymenheimer]

Yea. Most of what BLE says. Your PS seems surprisingly short, which isn't a problem except for the fact that you spend almost no time connecting the dots between music and law. Your PS doesn't have to explain why you want to go to law school. If you want to talk about your passion for music, do that. Except in this case, you should expect the adcomms to wonder why you aren't pursuing music. If you want to talk about your passion for law, you need to elaborate on it. You could redirect this essay to explain why you'd be a good law student, elaborating on your talents as a self-starter, etc. I mean, it's fairly interesting as a story. But that's all it seems to be really: a story, and you spend so much time on that story that the rest of your PS seems barren. "here is a story about my audition taking up a full page...and here is a quarter page about my other interests - and btw I taught myself to play instruments". It should be reformatted into something like "Here is a half page about how I taught myself to play instruments. Here is a quarter page about my audition. Here is a 3/4-full page about my interest in law, how it relates to my interest in music, and how my talents as a musician translate to me being a successful law student/lawyer."

[totesTheGoat]

First off, I apologize for being blunt on some of this stuff, but this should be very helpful. I'm going to strike through everything that is unsalvageable, and give you some advice inline to help you fill in the gaps.

There was no going back now. At any point before I nervously walked my way into this bleak, uninviting room, I could have bailed. I could just not have shown up and no one would have cared. I would have just been the name of a guy that missed his audition. Yet here I am, completely terrified, and no longer just a name.

Why am I doing this again? I cannot think of the answer.

I introduce myself to the two students hiding behind the fold-out table and took my position in the middle of the room. I stood there for what felt like minutes, but was only mere seconds. For the first time in the 2 years I have owned it, the acoustic guitar strapped over my shoulder felt heavy. The Nikon camera they had set-up to record tonight was glaring at me. I could feel my heart beating in my ears as I waited for the cue to begin. This was it. I had been preparing for this audition for weeks, spending countless nights in my apartment rehearsing for hours and hours. I am ready, aren’t I? The second student gave me a nod and I gave my guitar a quick strum to make sure it still worked.

Good, it made a noise.

Start here.... everything before this was not proper for a law school PS.

Your job here is to write a paragraph that sets the scene. Tell us what you're doing, what you're auditioning for, and what happens if you succeed or fail at the audition.


I begin to play the opening chords of Bob Dylan’s beautiful, folksy ballad, “Make You Feel My Love.” As I fingerpick my way through the intro, I go over the first verse in my head. I know the lyrics back to front, but I can’t help myself. No mistakes. To my relief, the correct words of the first verse leave my mouth in tune, then the chorus, and before I know it, I’m singing the final words of the song a cappella— just as I had practiced.

The above paragraph is decent, but should be tweaked to come in line with your new first paragraph. Clean up the grammar and informalities.

Why do I do this again? Oh, yeah... because I love it.

It may have just been the adrenaline, but in those few moments following my performance, I felt weightless. I completely forgot that I may be performing for hundreds of people in three months, not just two students. That didn’t matter. I auditioned because I love to perform. I auditioned because I love music.

And by the way, I nailed the audition.

None of the above stuff has anything to do with being a good law student. It's all just self-satisfying fluff.

The reason my audition was as successful as it was— despite my obvious nervousness— is due to the dedication that I have to my passions. Music has been and always will be a passion of mine. I taught myself to play the piano when I was seven years old, the drums at twelve, and the guitar at seventeen; the singing came later. It didn't matter what instrument I played or what song I sang, the passion was always still there. With that passion came hours upon hours of practicing drum solos, finding new chord progressions, writing original lyrics, and reimagining songs— hours upon hours all spent getting lost in music. I would get lost in my dedication. I would get lost in my passion.

The above paragraph falls into a common PS pitfall that trips many people up.... Nobody cares what is going on in your mind. Everybody feels passion. Everybody has a hobby. Everybody has gotten lost in their hobby at times. You're effectively saying "I like music, so let me into law school."

I would rewrite this section. Spend one sentence describing your passion for music, and then spend the rest of the paragraph talking about how your audition and the subsequent... well... you never actually got to what happened next. Here is where you need to talk about what happened next, and how your passion actually impacted something in some way. How you saw results from your passion.

Even though my passion for music may seem unparalleled, I share a genuine and comparable passion for the law as well. From the order that it represents to the justice that it promotes— even the policies that it enables— I will be dedicated to becoming a part of all of it. I will be dedicated to understanding it. I will be dedicated to interpreting it. I will be dedicated to upholding it. Law school is the best way to explore my passion and utilize it to my fullest potential.

Nope... not even close to done yet. Your PS has hardly even started and you're concluding. Now that you've told an anecdote (see above bolded sections) about when your passion led to good results, you need to start another anecdote. You need to tell us why law is your passion. The above paragraph tells me that law school is your passion, but I need to know what made it your passion.

Spend 2 or 3 paragraphs talking about why law is a passion of yours.


The brilliant Benjamin Franklin once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”

Passion does drive me— and law school will be the reason that points me in the right direction.

Meaningless fluff that can be cut out. At this point you should write a conclusion closer to the "even though my passion for music" paragraph. Even that one is too fluffy, but it's at least in the ballpark

Most good PS drafts follow a formula kind of like this:
1) Anecdote about a trying or difficult situation
2) resolution of that situation and personal growth
3) application of that personal growth in a different (law-related) context
4) anecdote of how that personal growth is related to law and/or will be helpful in a law context
5) connection of the resolution in #2 to law school as a parallel resolution

Perhaps try writing with that formula in mind.

[theharveyspector]

I strum the opening chords of Bob Dylan’s beautiful, folksy ballad, “Make You Feel My Love.” As I fingerpick my way through the intro, I go over the first verse in my head. I know the lyrics back to front, but I can’t help myself. No mistakes. To my relief, the correct words of the first verse leave my mouth in tune, then the chorus, and before I know it, I’m singing the final words of the song a cappella— just as I had practiced.


Here's my quick thought on how you could spin this:

I played the song right. Nobody knows that I did. But, if I'd missed a note or chord, they would have. People are used to the song sounding "right." Putting out legal work product that is "right" is the same thing. Clients expect the work to be right, and if it isn't, then you won't be a lawyer for long.