Personal Statement --First Draft PLZ!!! Forum

[jacklsat]

Please help me with the essay. Any suggestion is highly valuable! Anyone wanna switch just PM me. Thanks.
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I grew up in a military family with my grandparents who established extremely strict family rules. Unfortunately, as an 8-year-old child, I was not lucky enough to be exempt from that. My dearest grandparents had already set a specific timetable for me as follows.

Rise from bed ................ 6.00 A.M.
Morning exercise . . . . . . 6.15-6.45 A.M.
Breakfast..........................7.00 A.M.
Schooling…………………8.00-4.30 P.M.
Chinese calligraphy…… 5.00-5:30 P.M.
Animation time……………5.30-6.30 P.M.
Homework…………………7.30-9:00 P.M.
Bed time……………………9:30 P.M.

It’s worthy to mention that the morning exercise was actually a hiking with my robust grandpa, who was a respectable war hero in 1950 s. Nearby our house was the Fragrant Hill, which was named after the sweet-scented red maple leaves in autumn. We usually climbed halfway up the hill and walked down every morning. Apart from that, a set of discipline was specially designed for me, including no bad language, no fighting and so on. Obviously, I was too naive to understand the intention behind, but I tried to convince myself to behave well.

Gradually, I was highly praised by everyone around as a man of punctuality with courtesy. Since then, I began to realize the kindly cultivation from my grandparents. A family is harmonious only when certain rules are clarified. Similarly, a country is functionally well only when possessed with complete system of law framework. Since then, rules are no longer a forced limitation but a moral protective fence to me. I sincerely respect regulations and persuade others to adhere, because I firmly believe this is the effective way to make this world a better place.

When I entered college in 2010, I was soon elected as the class monitor. It’s not only because I had an impressive academic performance, but also I had a higher sense of morality and responsibility. Indeed, I couldn’t expect everyone to obey every school items, but I spared no efforts in making a difference. My foreign English teacher was a pious Christian who went to church regularly, and I went there with him for a few times. I learned from the pastor that the Bible is a book of regulation which specifically restrains people and stops them from the seduction of evil. Although I’m not a Christian, I really appreciate the insight of the elder generation. Without a set of reasonable rules, the world would fall into chaos.

However, rules are not rigidly complied, even underestimated nowadays. It’s frustrating to see that the country I live in is suffering from disorder and conflicts. On one hand, the current legal system has a big room to improve; On the other hand, the invisible law- the moral level of society needs to be enhanced. It is said that Law is a beautiful and sacred subject which is truly able to change the world. I’m fascinated by that and interested in how it realistically works.

I’m a person who is keen on challenges and discovering new areas. Admittedly, I don’t have much relevant legal experience expect a mock debate at school and a short internship in a legal firm. After graduation, I switched several jobs, including English editor, film marketing specialist and English teacher. Each job enables me to learn different skills, among which, I believe the most important one is how to talk to others and obtain valuable information in a short time. In the foreseeable future, efficiency will become a vital standard to select the best people. I’m convinced that with these skills equipped, I’ll be a better law student and I’m excited at the prospect of sharing and learning with my future classmates and professors.

[kgm1990]

Are you an international student?

[totesTheGoat]

Unfortunately, as an 8-year-old child, I was not lucky enough to be exempt from that.

This sentence implies tension between you and your grandparents because of their strictness. If you don't mean to imply that, you may want to soften the language a little bit.

My dearest grandparents had already set a specific timetable for me as follows.

Rise from bed ................ 6.00 A.M.
Morning exercise . . . . . . 6.15-6.45 A.M.
Breakfast..........................7.00 A.M.
Schooling…………………8.00-4.30 P.M.
Chinese calligraphy…… 5.00-5:30 P.M.
Animation time……………5.30-6.30 P.M.
Homework…………………7.30-9:00 P.M.
Bed time……………………9:30 P.M.

The timetable adds nothing to your story.

It’s worthy to mention that the morning exercise was actually a hiking As part of the timetable I had a morning exercise with my robust grandpa, who was a respectable war hero in 1950 s.

1) with the timetable being deleted, you can rearrange your sentence a little bit.
2) calling somebody "robust" usually implies that they are fat, or just quite large.
3) "respectable war hero" is redundant.
4) I don't think you need to mention hiking in this sentence, because your next two sentences make it obvious that your morning exercise was hiking.

Obviously, I was too naive to understand the intention behind it, but I tried to convince myself to behave well.

1) I think "naive" is okay, but you may think of replacing it with "young"
2) I put "it" in as the object of the clause, but you may put in "the discipline" instead.
3) "to convince myself" gives the wrong impression.

My foreign English teacher was a pious Christian who went to church regularly, and I went there with him for a few times. I learned from the pastor that the Bible is a book of regulation which specifically restrains people and stops them from the seduction of evil. Although I’m not a Christian, I really appreciate the insight of the elder generation. Without a set of reasonable rules, the world would fall into chaos.

I would be careful bringing religion into your PS. Especially since I think your characterization of Christianity is very different from the common understanding. I don't think you wrote anything offensive, but making general statements about religions you have very little exposure to is a bad idea.

In general, I think you need to work on making your PS more focused on yourself and less on the world around you. You can use these broader concepts to highlight your qualifications for law school, but a PS is not a platform for you to write about your worldview. It's a platform for you to write about your intangible qualifications for law school. Your worldview is only relevant to the extent that it shows that you are qualified for law school.

I think you also need to find a native English speaker to do some more grammatical and spelling fixes. I included a few above, but I'm not going to do a grammar check of your whole document.

[jacklsat]

Thank you so much for the help! I really appreciate that. It's my first time to write PS and I have no idea how to write a good one. As a normal student, I basically have nothing to highlight. So, what I can do is to avoid significant mistakes and make it less boring.





This sentence implies tension between you and your grandparents because of their strictness. If you don't mean to imply that, you may want to soften the language a little bit.

My dearest grandparents had already set a specific timetable for me as follows.

Rise from bed ................ 6.00 A.M.
Morning exercise . . . . . . 6.15-6.45 A.M.
Breakfast..........................7.00 A.M.
Schooling…………………8.00-4.30 P.M.
Chinese calligraphy…… 5.00-5:30 P.M.
Animation time……………5.30-6.30 P.M.
Homework…………………7.30-9:00 P.M.
Bed time……………………9:30 P.M.

The timetable adds nothing to your story.

It’s worthy to mention that the morning exercise was actually a hiking As part of the timetable I had a morning exercise with my robust grandpa, who was a respectable war hero in 1950 s.

1) with the timetable being deleted, you can rearrange your sentence a little bit.
2) calling somebody "robust" usually implies that they are fat, or just quite large.
3) "respectable war hero" is redundant.
4) I don't think you need to mention hiking in this sentence, because your next two sentences make it obvious that your morning exercise was hiking.

Obviously, I was too naive to understand the intention behind it, but I tried to convince myself to behave well.

1) I think "naive" is okay, but you may think of replacing it with "young"
2) I put "it" in as the object of the clause, but you may put in "the discipline" instead.
3) "to convince myself" gives the wrong impression.

My foreign English teacher was a pious Christian who went to church regularly, and I went there with him for a few times. I learned from the pastor that the Bible is a book of regulation which specifically restrains people and stops them from the seduction of evil. Although I’m not a Christian, I really appreciate the insight of the elder generation. Without a set of reasonable rules, the world would fall into chaos.

I would be careful bringing religion into your PS. Especially since I think your characterization of Christianity is very different from the common understanding. I don't think you wrote anything offensive, but making general statements about religions you have very little exposure to is a bad idea.

In general, I think you need to work on making your PS more focused on yourself and less on the world around you. You can use these broader concepts to highlight your qualifications for law school, but a PS is not a platform for you to write about your worldview. It's a platform for you to write about your intangible qualifications for law school. Your worldview is only relevant to the extent that it shows that you are qualified for law school.

I think you also need to find a native English speaker to do some more grammatical and spelling fixes. I included a few above, but I'm not going to do a grammar check of your whole document.[/quote]