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[trkmaniak00]

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[kellyfrost]

Are you male or female. Serious question. I might make some suggested changes depending on your gender.

[trkmaniak00]

Are you male or female. Serious question. I might make some suggested changes depending on your gender.

male

[Unfathomableruckus]

Instead of "my brother had committed suicide", put "my brother committed suicide". It's one of the most important moments in it and the phrasing was awkward. I think using the word "hardship" takes away from the overall originality. I really do like this and think it's almost ready. I don't think (correct me if I'm wrong), that there are parts if this essay that would be improved differently depending on your gender. Be true to yourself, not someone else's perception of your gender.

[kellyfrost]

Since you are male, I don't have any suggestions. I'm not sure what the poster above was getting at regarding her gender comment, but whatever.

[trkmaniak00]

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[Philafaler]

The first sentence would be considered grammatically incorrect by pedants like myself. The introductory clause should correspond to the noun that immediately follows. "As a student of history, every major event. . . " No major event is a student of history.

I think it's a beautiful narrative, but you really need to clean up the writing throughout before its ready for submission.

(Now that I read your intro, I see that you know that; just do what you need to do. It's got a lot of potential).

[hopefuljumbo23]

Your first sentence doesn't make any sense - "As a student of history, every major event has been documented by historians."

You could just say: "Every major event has been documented by historians."

If you wanted to keep the "as a student of history" part, you'd have to insert "I" - e.g. "As a student of history, I know..."

[trkmaniak00]

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[trkmaniak00]

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[kgm1990]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would stay away from sweeping statements like "Every major event has been documented by historians." First of all, it's a fallacy and ridiculously ambiguous (what constitutes a 'major even' in history anyway). I might actually start off with the tattoo scene. There could be some powerful imagery there to help guide the narrative along; because for me, the overall structure was confusing and the story often sputtered about because of the unnecessary detail and wording.

I.E.: There's a lot that could be chopped in the introduction. Childhood injuries don't exactly progress your narrative.

With a theme like this, there's just such awesomely powerful potential to organize by imagery.

Your father and you in the tattoo parlor.
The funeral.
The tattoo/your development.

I think starting off with the tattoo and then ending with the two part challenge that the tattoo embodies would be a formatting dream.

As far as general comments go: you need to cut the fluff. The story gets bogged down, your reader gets lost, and it feels unorganized (even when it' s not).
I think this is a really compelling story, which is why I'm writing this while Halo 5 is on pause.
About you: it shows that you're still evolving as a person, but I didn't see a clear direction about where that development would lead.

[jepper]

Good story but here are my observations
1) There are a number of grammar issues. See if you can get someone to help you edit the entire document.
2) I agree with the above poster. If you started with the tattoo scene, I don't think you would lose anything, and it would probably be better.
3) As good as the middle was, I found myself drifting off towards the last paragraph.