This is rough draft that I have for my personal statement. I know that the writing is rough, but I'd appreciate your comments on topic choice and welcome any other criticisms you have.
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Thanks
Personal Statement - Can you all help me out? Forum
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southerntexan
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:51 pm
Personal Statement - Can you all help me out?
Last edited by southerntexan on Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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brodhi
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 3:29 pm
Re: Personal Statement - Can you all help me out?
"Helping others with stressful subjects and providing experience to each of the students I mentored have shown me the importance of mentorship and the impact that I can have helping others. "
Above sentence needs work. First, I think it should be 'has shown', and the rest of it feels a little awkward.
Overall I thought it started well, but began feeling a little bland and recitative. It was more a restatement of everything you've ever done, and felt a little harp-y. I know your grandpa was your inspiration and that's pretty much all I came away with.
You've also got some other sentences that aren't finished that I can't quite remember but need correction.
It's definitely not all bad, I'd just work on maybe more of an anecdote and what you took away than just compare and contrast your grandfather to you.
Hope this helps and good luck!
Above sentence needs work. First, I think it should be 'has shown', and the rest of it feels a little awkward.
Overall I thought it started well, but began feeling a little bland and recitative. It was more a restatement of everything you've ever done, and felt a little harp-y. I know your grandpa was your inspiration and that's pretty much all I came away with.
You've also got some other sentences that aren't finished that I can't quite remember but need correction.
It's definitely not all bad, I'd just work on maybe more of an anecdote and what you took away than just compare and contrast your grandfather to you.
Hope this helps and good luck!
