(Removed) Forum

[03152016]

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[brodhi]

If you're actually applying to UHLC, why not just let your numbers talk and do a traditional PS?

That being offered, here is my very basic analysis of your PS.

Your language comes off as pompous and your writing is stuffy and, while your story may be enjoyable to some, your use of language is not (and this is coming from someone who has written lazy papers with similar tone/verbiage)-
"I was alerted via cell phone notification" or "shopped around the very city in which I dwelled and made purchases at establishments to which I could have feasibly ventured." - who actually talks like that? Clearly not you if you spoke like this to the homeless guys: "'these are literally my last coins.'” And I get the difference between writing and speaking, but your personal statement should be a conversation.

In another direction, the stories feel unnecessarily drawn out. - "Every single day, for six months, I spent at least an hour on the phone with varied ‘claims investigators’ and banking associates. For six months, every single day, they denied due compensation." - I get the effect of this, but it could be written much more efficiently. Some people suggest that conciseness and efficiency is a great quality in a PS as legal writing should be rather efficient.

I do like how you take two different examples from your life and relate them to the theme of your PS, I actually did a similar thing. However, I do not find that your first story is worthy of a whole half of your PS. In fact, half of that story is an explanation of the details rather than expression of your perseverance. The same seems to be true for the second example that you give. I am not sure how to remedy the issue without giving you a full breakdown of your PS (pm me if you'd like to discuss further), but you should be spending more time showing either your perseverance in these arenas, or add more examples.

Adding the explanation of your grades in here is going to be tricky (I do think you need to rework it). The adcomms don't need a full layout of the grading policy for the class. It is likely sufficient to express that your grades suffered due to failure to meet attendance requirements because of your illness.

Your final sentence in the second to last paragraph disappoints me. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but that you don't focus on these activities more throughout. If you cut down on the fluff and unnecessary language in the rest of your PS, you can likely open up more room to discuss how you landed this role. You mention "multiple rejections", but that's the entirety of our exposure to it. I think expounding upon those rejections, so that you even have 3 solid paragraphs discussing your perseverance, rather than the unnecessarily lengthy 2.

Again, this is a basic overview of my perceptions of your PS (and how it could be improved). I will admit that I was biasedly harsh due to the way you reacted to some of the posters giving feedback. Though it's not constructive on the outside, you're not going to get a response from adcomms with how to improve your PS. You likely won't even get a mention of it. So if it is bad, then the adcomm could possibly only be thinking "It's pretty bad". Any criticism of your PS can be useful to you at least from a reactionary standpoint.

Let me know if I can be more clear on anything.

This was very helpful. I appreciate the feedback. I will say, while you mention you didn't like how I handled responding to 'posters', of which there was only one to which you could possibly be referring, I think your reaction...is a little unjustified.

This is not an admissions office, and if it were, I'd expect zero feedback. I am here to receive constructive criticism in the hope of making my application as strong as it can be. I can only assume that the people posting have asked for similar feedback with their own applications because otherwise, why would they be here. I have to say I'm slightly confused that you would defend someone who so pointedly attempted to insult my writing without providing any insight whatsoever as to how it could improve. Had you actually read all the comments, you would see that this isn't the first time 'emma' has been unduly negative towards this paper, and both times I think I handled the situation with relative grace. I wouldn't dream of blatantly insulting anyone else's work because I actually would like to see others succeed, which is why I'm happy to provide anyone with constructive feedback should they seek my advice.

Given your admission that you were 'admittedly biased' I'm hesitant to apply the feedback, but while you may have been biased some of the information you included is actually pretty perceptive, and well put. So thank you for the overview. I appreciate you taking the time to write the mini essay above, and the feedback you gave will actually help me, so for that I'm grateful.

[brodhi]

"Having worked in admissions (not law though), I can tell you that it is too long and disjointed. After reading the first couple sentences I started skimming. You really need to tighten this up. Why do you mention the Dr.'s name. Why does it matter exactly where the clinic is. Also, sadly a lot of people have been victims of identity theft. How does calling a bank multiple times teach you about perseverance. I would recommend focusing on the story about being diagnosed with lyme disease and how you still made it to a conservatory. Additionally, while you do blatantly state that you have perseverance (you should try to show this not tell), I cannot figure out why you actually want to go to law school. What about all of these experiences leads the reader to believe you want to be a lawyer. All I know is that you think you've persevered."


You're right on all counts. Appreciate the insight. It's definitely a bit concerning that you didn't take the whole 'I called them every day for six months' literally. That was the point of the story. And you're right, it's too convoluted if it wasn't apparent. This clearly needs a rework. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[lymenheimer]

"Biasedly harsh". Meaning that i helped break down your work rather than allowing it to land on a pillow. My opinion and advice would have been the same regardless, the delivery would have been the only thing changed. But whatever. Use my suggestions or dont. I doubt itll actually make a difference as long as you have good enough numbers.

Just wanted to clarify

[Emma.]

If you're actually applying to UHLC, why not just let your numbers talk and do a traditional PS?

That being offered, here is my very basic analysis of your PS.

Your language comes off as pompous and your writing is stuffy and, while your story may be enjoyable to some, your use of language is not (and this is coming from someone who has written lazy papers with similar tone/verbiage)-
"I was alerted via cell phone notification" or "shopped around the very city in which I dwelled and made purchases at establishments to which I could have feasibly ventured." - who actually talks like that? Clearly not you if you spoke like this to the homeless guys: "'these are literally my last coins.'” And I get the difference between writing and speaking, but your personal statement should be a conversation.

In another direction, the stories feel unnecessarily drawn out. - "Every single day, for six months, I spent at least an hour on the phone with varied ‘claims investigators’ and banking associates. For six months, every single day, they denied due compensation." - I get the effect of this, but it could be written much more efficiently. Some people suggest that conciseness and efficiency is a great quality in a PS as legal writing should be rather efficient.

I do like how you take two different examples from your life and relate them to the theme of your PS, I actually did a similar thing. However, I do not find that your first story is worthy of a whole half of your PS. In fact, half of that story is an explanation of the details rather than expression of your perseverance. The same seems to be true for the second example that you give. I am not sure how to remedy the issue without giving you a full breakdown of your PS (pm me if you'd like to discuss further), but you should be spending more time showing either your perseverance in these arenas, or add more examples.

Adding the explanation of your grades in here is going to be tricky (I do think you need to rework it). The adcomms don't need a full layout of the grading policy for the class. It is likely sufficient to express that your grades suffered due to failure to meet attendance requirements because of your illness.

Your final sentence in the second to last paragraph disappoints me. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but that you don't focus on these activities more throughout. If you cut down on the fluff and unnecessary language in the rest of your PS, you can likely open up more room to discuss how you landed this role. You mention "multiple rejections", but that's the entirety of our exposure to it. I think expounding upon those rejections, so that you even have 3 solid paragraphs discussing your perseverance, rather than the unnecessarily lengthy 2.

Again, this is a basic overview of my perceptions of your PS (and how it could be improved). I will admit that I was biasedly harsh due to the way you reacted to some of the posters giving feedback. Though it's not constructive on the outside, you're not going to get a response from adcomms with how to improve your PS. You likely won't even get a mention of it. So if it is bad, then the adcomm could possibly only be thinking "It's pretty bad". Any criticism of your PS can be useful to you at least from a reactionary standpoint.

Let me know if I can be more clear on anything.

This was very helpful. I appreciate the feedback. I will say, while you mention you didn't like how I handled responding to 'posters', of which there was only one to which you could possibly be referring, I think your reaction...is a little unjustified.

This is not an admissions office, and if it were, I'd expect zero feedback. I am here to receive constructive criticism in the hope of making my application as strong as it can be. I can only assume that the people posting have asked for similar feedback with their own applications because otherwise, why would they be here. I have to say I'm slightly confused that you would defend someone who so pointedly attempted to insult my writing without providing any insight whatsoever as to how it could improve. Had you actually read all the comments, you would see that this isn't the first time 'emma' has been unduly negative towards this paper, and both times I think I handled the situation with relative grace. I wouldn't dream of blatantly insulting anyone else's work because I actually would like to see others succeed, which is why I'm happy to provide anyone with constructive feedback should they seek my advice.

Given your admission that you were 'admittedly biased' I'm hesitant to apply the feedback, but while you may have been biased some of the information you included is actually pretty perceptive, and well put. So thank you for the overview. I appreciate you taking the time to write the mini essay above, and the feedback you gave will actually help me, so for that I'm grateful.

Unduly negative?

I'm trying to help you avoid submitting something that likely would hurt your applications. But I'm a practicing attorney and don't have time to hold your hand through this process. If my comments hurt your feelings I'm sorry about that.

[sjp200]

I find this PS more of a "woe is me" plea than a personal statement. Rather than highlight triumph through adversity, I believe this statement highlights adversity and then you tell instead of show you got through it. This makes me want to TL;DR as much as "study abroad" PS's about how that one semester in London or Australia changed someone's life completely.

Many people will be writing statements of a similar effect, most of which will make adcomms cringe. I know nothing about you from this statement, I only know what has happened to you. PS's do not have to start off with you being some glorious protagonist or likable character. In fact, a compelling PS can also initially paint you negatively and have the reader follow you along your journey to becoming a protagonist. This does not reflect who you want to be portraying in your statement, and I strongly encourage you to stop feeling so personally vilified by other TLS comments and take a good look at yourself and think of a more compelling topic. I struggled with the criticism early, but after scrapping about 5-6 ideas, I finally got to a compelling narrative of how I got to be where I am in my career and goals. You can do the same with a more open mind.

[Emma.]

Lol:

I have candy for you if you feel that your being a practicing attorney warrants it. I'm also happy to give you a round of applause.

Your statement didn't hurt my feelings and I believe I made that clear in both iterations of your abbreviated remarks.

Since you're not the charitable type, why are you even on this forum? To antagonize and then assert dominance based on your yet unproven prowess in the legal field? If your intent is to help, then help. If your intent is to antagonize, then forgo involving yourself, as I don't have 'time to waste' on second guessing my application and would prefer to receive input rather than blanket statements.