(Removed) Forum

[brodhi]

XXX

Statement under revision.

[jnwa]

I know little about personal statements but i can tell you that yours kept me engaged the entire time. The only thing id say is that you gave the really compelling theft story, they hurried through the arrest. I dont even know what you got arrested for and while im sure you discuss it in more detail in the character and fitness addendum, if youre going to bring it up dont leave the reader with unanswered questions.

Also i would be careful about the way you characterize the vagrants. Idk if they did it but this sentence "My mind immediately leapt to my harried conversation with the transient tramps abiding in that ATM vestibule." comes off as mean especially since we never know for sure if they did it.

Id use the final paragraph to elaborate on both your battle with Lyme Disease as well as your arrest(positive spin) to the same extent as you elaborated on your career as an actor.

Other than that i think your story is really compelling.

[brodhi]

Thank you for the feedback,
I was fiddling around with alliterations and wondered about the 'transient tramp' but thought it was too fun to omit . I will edit based on your feedback. I did leave the arrest out primarily because of the aforementioned character and fitness eval but that's good insight, I don't want to leave any questions.

THANK YOUUUUUUU

[brodhi]

I know little about personal statements but i can tell you that yours kept me engaged the entire time. The only thing id say is that you gave the really compelling theft story, they hurried through the arrest. I dont even know what you got arrested for and while im sure you discuss it in more detail in the character and fitness addendum, if youre going to bring it up dont leave the reader with unanswered questions.

Also i would be careful about the way you characterize the vagrants. Idk if they did it but this sentence "My mind immediately leapt to my harried conversation with the transient tramps abiding in that ATM vestibule." comes off as mean especially since we never know for sure if they did it.

Id use the final paragraph to elaborate on both your battle with Lyme Disease as well as your arrest(positive spin) to the same extent as you elaborated on your career as an actor.

Other than that i think your story is really compelling.

If you get a chance to reread, let me know if this met your expectation

Thanks!

[jnwa]

"Ultimately, after countless conversations with various hierarchical ‘higher-ups’ at the bank, and submission of irrefutable alibis and letters from collegiate deans attesting to my character, the decision was reversed."

The word hierarchical is unnecessary here. This is just me, as a reader, speaking but you always want to straddle the line between sounding smart and pretentious. Unnecessary words push you towards the latter.

Also you sound like youre making excuses about the arrest. Valid excuses but it takes away from what is a really good personal statement. You werent being naive by handing the cop the weed, you were just not lying. I was gunna say take it out but i like how you weaved it into a perseverance story. The notion of perseverance is a common thread throughout your statement and thats really good. Just try and get rid of any parts of it that make it sound like youre making excuses. It happened, it hurt you, you got through it.

Lastly tie your last paragraph in. Personally i would go with "Finally, my first LSAT score may not have been what I’d hoped it to be, but that score will be met with the same determination and drive that allowed me to get past the theft, the arrest, the lyme disease"(word that better LOL). Just make it sound like a conclusion, tie it in with the rest of it.

Other than its really good. The "purchase enough noodles to sustain life" line is GOLD.

[Emma.]

Robbery is theft by force or threat of force. If someone stole your credit card after you left it in an ATM, you weren't robbed.

[brodhi]

Robbery is theft by force or threat of force. If someone stole your credit card after you left it in an ATM, you weren't robbed.

It was said more as an attention grabber and for effect. Do you really think that's discrepancy enough to rewrite?

[brodhi]

"Ultimately, after countless conversations with various hierarchical ‘higher-ups’ at the bank, and submission of irrefutable alibis and letters from collegiate deans attesting to my character, the decision was reversed."

The word hierarchical is unnecessary here. This is just me, as a reader, speaking but you always want to straddle the line between sounding smart and pretentious. Unnecessary words push you towards the latter.

Also you sound like youre making excuses about the arrest. Valid excuses but it takes away from what is a really good personal statement. You werent being naive by handing the cop the weed, you were just not lying. I was gunna say take it out but i like how you weaved it into a perseverance story. The notion of perseverance is a common thread throughout your statement and thats really good. Just try and get rid of any parts of it that make it sound like youre making excuses. It happened, it hurt you, you got through it.

Lastly tie your last paragraph in. Personally i would go with "Finally, my first LSAT score may not have been what I’d hoped it to be, but that score will be met with the same determination and drive that allowed me to get past the theft, the arrest, the lyme disease"(word that better LOL). Just make it sound like a conclusion, tie it in with the rest of it.

Other than its really good. The "purchase enough noodles to sustain life" line is GOLD.

Your feedback is much appreciated amigo. I will edit again, and again, thanks for the insight.

[Emma.]

Robbery is theft by force or threat of force. If someone stole your credit card after you left it in an ATM, you weren't robbed.

It was said more as an attention grabber and for effect. Do you really think that's discrepancy enough to rewrite?

If I were reading this as your admissions officer (remember, most admissions staff have JDs) it would bug me, so I'd say yes.

Globally, you really need to tone down your language. As someone else mentioned, your word choices in several places are pushing towards sounding pretentious. I think this essay has some promise, but you need to cut down on the five-dollar words.

[seashell.economy]

Listen, I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I think you should can this entire essay. I know that is hard to hear, especially if you have been working on this for a while, but in my opinion this essay is a jumble of experiences that reads like a police blotter. It is definitely too broad. The wording is too pretentious. You use the word "vagrants" (you might as well call them "hobos"). You don't take responsibility for your drug arrest as you were going to a children's play. And then you squeeze in an LSAT addendum at the end?! I have about 20 other questions on this essay, but I will stop there. If I were you I'd redo the entire essay, picking one experience to focus on (keep the theme of perseverance, if you want) and I would tie that in to why you want to go to law school in a really clear way. You also don't need to sign the essay like a postcard to a friend. Again, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just hoping you can take this as constructive criticism and it helps you to produce an essay that gets you in to where you want to go.

[brodhi]

Listen, I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I think you should can this entire essay. I know that is hard to hear, especially if you have been working on this for a while, but in my opinion this essay is a jumble of experiences that reads like a police blotter. It is definitely too broad. The wording is too pretentious. You use the word "vagrants" (you might as well call them "hobos"). You don't take responsibility for your drug arrest as you were going to a children's play. And then you squeeze in an LSAT addendum at the end?! I have about 20 other questions on this essay, but I will stop there. If I were you I'd redo the entire essay, picking one experience to focus on (keep the theme of perseverance, if you want) and I would tie that in to why you want to go to law school in a really clear way. You also don't need to sign the essay like a postcard to a friend. Again, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just hoping you can take this as constructive criticism and it helps you to produce an essay that gets you in to where you want to go.

Feedback is the reason I've posted this essay here. Personally, I've written at least four of these dad-blasted personal statements, but in lieu of my recent lsat score and after a ton of reading on varying prevailing theories about personal statements, i felt this was most reflective of the purpose i need to serve. The way you broke down the drug arrest is definitely a concerning reception. I have amended my original personal statement which was inclusive of far less today after feedback on this forum. I do appreciate your feedback, and will make appropriate adjustments. I don't think I'm going to be scrapping the essay in its entirety although it isn't something I've been working on for weeks, just a couple of days.

I don't know I feel like all of this is subjective. Can you strike a chord with whoever is on the receiving end of the essay at the time it's read. Are they having a good day? In many ways it's like an audition. It's all relative and I certainly value your response and input.

Thank you!

[brodhi]

Also, do you think Hobos is more appropriate? and what would you call them? homeless persons?
Is this about PC here? I was trying to add an element of humor.

[seashell.economy]

Listen, I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I think you should can this entire essay. I know that is hard to hear, especially if you have been working on this for a while, but in my opinion this essay is a jumble of experiences that reads like a police blotter. It is definitely too broad. The wording is too pretentious. You use the word "vagrants" (you might as well call them "hobos"). You don't take responsibility for your drug arrest as you were going to a children's play. And then you squeeze in an LSAT addendum at the end?! I have about 20 other questions on this essay, but I will stop there. If I were you I'd redo the entire essay, picking one experience to focus on (keep the theme of perseverance, if you want) and I would tie that in to why you want to go to law school in a really clear way. You also don't need to sign the essay like a postcard to a friend. Again, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm just hoping you can take this as constructive criticism and it helps you to produce an essay that gets you in to where you want to go.

Feedback is the reason I've posted this essay here. Personally, I've written at least four of these dad-blasted personal statements, but in lieu of my recent lsat score and after a ton of reading on varying prevailing theories about personal statements, i felt this was most reflective of the purpose i need to serve. The way you broke down the drug arrest is definitely a concerning reception. I have amended my original personal statement which was inclusive of far less today after feedback on this forum. I do appreciate your feedback, and will make appropriate adjustments. I don't think I'm going to be scrapping the essay in its entirety although it isn't something I've been working on for weeks, just a couple of days.

I don't know I feel like all of this is subjective. Can you strike a chord with whoever is on the receiving end of the essay at the time it's read. Are they having a good day? In many ways it's like an audition. It's all relative and I certainly value your response and input.

Thank you!

You're welcome. And I think you have a point with the "its all relative" thing. It looks like others who commented do like it. To illustrate that point further, I didn't like the "noodles to sustain life" line, but someone else on here loved it. The drug arrest explanation will have to go in your C&F statement anyways, so you could remove it from here and you will still get a chance to communicate what happened on the C&F statement. And if you wanted you could add a separate LSAT addendum. Even removing those two topics in this PS would make it more concise.

Re: vagrants. You could just call them "two homeless men" or something like that. Do not call them "hobos." I don't think it's about being PC, I just think vagrants, like hobos, is an outdated term that now has negative connotations.

[brodhi]

Robbery is theft by force or threat of force. If someone stole your credit card after you left it in an ATM, you weren't robbed.

Rob: deprive (someone or something) of something needed, deserved, or significant.
"poor health has robbed her of a normal social life"
synonyms: deprive, strip, divest; deny

I looked it over and I think the word will suffice based on another interpretation of the word. Point taken, though. Word choice is important. I hope my revisions sound less pretentious.

[carmichael]

love/hate it

[Emma.]

Robbery is theft by force or threat of force. If someone stole your credit card after you left it in an ATM, you weren't robbed.

Rob: deprive (someone or something) of something needed, deserved, or significant.
"poor health has robbed her of a normal social life"
synonyms: deprive, strip, divest; deny

I looked it over and I think the word will suffice based on another interpretation of the word. Point taken, though. Word choice is important. I hope my revisions sound less pretentious.

You do you, I guess.

[brodhi]

<3 I still appreciate your input!

[brodhi]

love/hate it

Go on...?

[brodhi]

Reworked this beast- lemme know if you think it's better/worse

[Emma.]

Can't tell whether it is worse or I just didn't read carefully the first time around. It's pretty bad.

[jeremydc]

I'm not an expert (working on my own PS atm as well) but the tone and direction left me with more questions than answers.

If I was an Admission's officer, I feel like I just wasted my time.

You have the ability to do better than this! Scrap it and move on.

[brodhi]

Can't tell whether it is worse or I just didn't read carefully the first time around. It's pretty bad.

Hm, use your words if you don't mind. Criticism is only valuable if you offer provide insight into how a thing can be improved. This just felt spiteful...
but I appreciate your reaction.

[brodhi]

I'm not an expert (working on my own PS atm as well) but the tone and direction left me with more questions than answers.

If I was an Admission's officer, I feel like I just wasted my time.

You have the ability to do better than this! Scrap it and move on.

Specifically, if you had to offer criticism what questions would you have been left with?

I am more than willing to scrap this essay- the first time I wrote it, I touched on several issues, but the general consensus was that while it was entertaining, it felt as if it jumped around.

The purpose of this essay is to forgo writing an undergrad GPA addendum, while sticking to the theme of perseverance. I already have to write the 'character and fitness' essay so I'd rather just get the GPA thing out in open air here.

Any suggestions you could offer as to what questions you were left with/what might be done to more successfully accomplish the aforementioned goal would be much obliged!

Thank you for your input

[lymenheimer]

If you're actually applying to UHLC, why not just let your numbers talk and do a traditional PS?

That being offered, here is my very basic analysis of your PS.

Your language comes off as pompous and your writing is stuffy and, while your story may be enjoyable to some, your use of language is not (and this is coming from someone who has written lazy papers with similar tone/verbiage)-
"I was alerted via cell phone notification" or "shopped around the very city in which I dwelled and made purchases at establishments to which I could have feasibly ventured." - who actually talks like that? Clearly not you if you spoke like this to the homeless guys: "'these are literally my last coins.'” And I get the difference between writing and speaking, but your personal statement should be a conversation.

In another direction, the stories feel unnecessarily drawn out. - "Every single day, for six months, I spent at least an hour on the phone with varied ‘claims investigators’ and banking associates. For six months, every single day, they denied due compensation." - I get the effect of this, but it could be written much more efficiently. Some people suggest that conciseness and efficiency is a great quality in a PS as legal writing should be rather efficient.

I do like how you take two different examples from your life and relate them to the theme of your PS, I actually did a similar thing. However, I do not find that your first story is worthy of a whole half of your PS. In fact, half of that story is an explanation of the details rather than expression of your perseverance. The same seems to be true for the second example that you give. I am not sure how to remedy the issue without giving you a full breakdown of your PS (pm me if you'd like to discuss further), but you should be spending more time showing either your perseverance in these arenas, or add more examples.

Adding the explanation of your grades in here is going to be tricky (I do think you need to rework it). The adcomms don't need a full layout of the grading policy for the class. It is likely sufficient to express that your grades suffered due to failure to meet attendance requirements because of your illness.

Your final sentence in the second to last paragraph disappoints me. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but that you don't focus on these activities more throughout. If you cut down on the fluff and unnecessary language in the rest of your PS, you can likely open up more room to discuss how you landed this role. You mention "multiple rejections", but that's the entirety of our exposure to it. I think expounding upon those rejections, so that you even have 3 solid paragraphs discussing your perseverance, rather than the unnecessarily lengthy 2.

Again, this is a basic overview of my perceptions of your PS (and how it could be improved). I will admit that I was biasedly harsh due to the way you reacted to some of the posters giving feedback. Though it's not constructive on the outside, you're not going to get a response from adcomms with how to improve your PS. You likely won't even get a mention of it. So if it is bad, then the adcomm could possibly only be thinking "It's pretty bad". Any criticism of your PS can be useful to you at least from a reactionary standpoint.

Let me know if I can be more clear on anything.

[ouais_ouais]

On the thirty-first of September, 2008, I was robbed. It wasn’t the ‘stick ‘em up and give me all you’ve got!’ type of robbery, but the more discreet ‘I stole your debit card and went on a harried beat the card cancellation spree’ type of affair. I was a junior in college at the time attending an elite conservatory for Music, and I was unmistakably poor. Ramen every day for three square meals poor. In the minutes preceding this inauspicious heist, I was alerted via cell phone notification that I had overdrawn my account by one cent, which would mean incurring a 35$ overdraft charge on my checking account. Money I didn’t have to spend. Frantically, I dipped into my laundry money reserves and hurried to the bank. Upon arriving, I rushed past two two homeless men who’d taken refuge against the cold in the ATM vestibule connected to the bank, and began my deposit. “Got any change?” asked one of the disheveled duo. “No,” I replied, “these are literally my last coins.” I finished the deposit and hurried off to cursed ballet class to unsuccessfully attempt to convince one of my two left feet that it was, in fact, a right foot. It wasn’t until the end of the day when I logged in to my online banking center that I discovered to my horror that my account was in arrears for some $3000. Frantically, I reached for my wallet and upon rifling through its contents realized in horror that I’d forgotten my debit card in the machine.

The following day the claims department of my bank denied my ‘counterfeit/theft claim’ for an insurance reimbursement. The bank alleged that I, as the likely culprit, was attempting to defraud them. Shockingly, whoever had taken my card had shopped around the very city in which I dwelled and made purchases at establishments to which I could have feasibly ventured. I was in danger of being hoisted by my own debit pe’card’, and more money than I had ever singularly possessed was at stake. I had to appeal the decision. Every single day, for six months, I spent at least an hour on the phone with varied ‘claims investigators’ and banking associates. For six months, every single day, they denied due compensation. After having to swallow pride and ask for assistance from friends and relatives, I was able to purchase enough noodles to sustain life, however, I could not and would not give up. Ultimately, after countless conversations with the bank, and submission of irrefutable alibis and letters from collegiate deans attesting to my character and whereabouts that afternoon, the decision was reversed. Although the culprits were never apprehended, I was finally granted the $3000.00 taken that fateful day.

The lesson I learned from this monumental undertaking was that despite hardship and seemingly insurmountable odds, one should never give up. This lesson became my life’s mantra. Never take no for an answer. Always persevere, endure, and find a new angle of attack. Rejection makes success even sweeter, and defines the bottom of the well from which one draws life.

I’ve met opposition many times in my life. In college, after I was misdiagnosed with ALS and a myriad of other neurological disorders, I was made aware that Lyme Disease had taken up residence in my brain. In the summer of my sophomore year at the Boston Conservatory, I was chosen to perform in a Light Opera Company in Falmouth, Massachusetts. I spent that summer meeting the demands of a busy rehearsal and performance schedule. When I wasn’t onstage, I was taking advantage of new friends and basking along the tree lined east coast beaches. After a few weeks, I discovered an initially small circular lesion on my back which grew to be quite large. I sought care at the clinic in Falmouth and the lesion was dismissed as an infected spider bite. Looking back, I can trace the increasingly severe symptoms of systemic Lyme disease over the course of the next two years, and by my senior year, the symptoms had become impossible to ignore. Muscle spasms known as fasciculations plagued my body. Joint and muscle pain and swelling, fatigue, anxiety, insomnia and mood swings were among the many unwelcome additions to my general health. When I could drag myself to class, I was often in a valium-induced stupor. The Boston Conservatory has a strict attendance policy, deducting a full letter grade for any absence after the 2nd excused absence regardless of condition. Resultantly my GPA plummeted. In January of my final semester, I finally found treatment in Rhinebeck, New York under the care of Dr. Steven Bock. After blood-work confirmed the diagnosis of systemic Lyme Disease, I was prescribed a rigorous course of multiple antibiotics and alternative therapies. Despite this late stage diagnosis, I resisted dismay, ignoring its resounding impact on my health and pressed forward. After college, and after multitudes of audition room rejections, I originated a role in an Off-Broadway Premiere, performed at theaters across the US and took to the seas to perform as singer aboard a luxury cruise liner, where I was granted the opportunity to visit 23 countries and explore many amazing cities.

Perseverance has been essential to my success. Enduring hardship while pressing forward has been integral to my progression as a individual, performer, and citizen. Through it all, I’ve learned to keep my chin-up, smile and never stop learning. These are the qualities that I trust will continue to serve me down whatever path lies ahead; They are the valuable qualities I'm proud to be able to offer the University of Houston Law Center.

Having worked in admissions (not law though), I can tell you that it is too long and disjointed. After reading the first couple sentences I started skimming. You really need to tighten this up. Why do you mention the Dr.'s name. Why does it matter exactly where the clinic is. Also, sadly a lot of people have been victims of identity theft. How does calling a bank multiple times teach you about perseverance. I would recommend focusing on the story about being diagnosed with lyme disease and how you still made it to a conservatory. Additionally, while you do blatantly state that you have perseverance (you should try to show this not tell), I cannot figure out why you actually want to go to law school. What about all of these experiences leads the reader to believe you want to be a lawyer. All I know is that you think you've persevered.