Why Michigan Essay feedback? Forum

[Anonymous User]

I have not written a Why X essay yet. This is my revised first attempt. It feels like it is too long and I try to justify myself too much. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thank you.


My decision to apply to the University of Michigan Law School stems from my desire to attend the school that meets both my academic goals and personal preferences. The University of Michigan has produced extremely successful and intelligent alumni that I have had the pleasure to study under and work with. One of the most brilliant professors I studied under was a University of Michigan alumnus, and I firmly believe the University of Michigan contributed to his development as a researcher and educator. This development is something that I seek from my legal education.
Additionally, the school offers two programs that make it stand above the rest: study abroad at Waseda University and the Summer Start program. After having attended Waseda University, I am deeply interested in returning to study law with a different international and legal perspective. The increasingly intertwined relationship between countries and their technical innovations requires an international mindset that I am seeking to develop. Furthermore, the Summer Start program would allow me to jump into my legal education and take full advantage of the opportunities the University of Michigan has to offer.
On a personal note, I have become fond of Michigan during my time here. After visiting the University of Michigan campus and Ann Arbor, I knew the university was a perfect fit for the atmosphere that I thrive in. The campus was beautiful with gorgeous open areas, and the study body was friendly, approachable, and academic. The town of Ann Arbor was vibrant and had the right college town feel. Although I have lived in Hawaii, Florida, Georgia, Japan, and have family across the U.S, the town of Ann Arbor is undoubtedly special.
Lastly, the gesture that solidified my decision to apply to the University of Michigan was a letter from Dean Zearfoss ending with a handwritten note “We love to get Georgia Tech grads”. It was the attention to detail and “going the extra mile” that made the letter as impactful as it was. I believe this level of care and attention is reflective of the school’s effort to produce the best possible students and lawyers.
If provided the opportunity to attend the University of Michigan Law School, I would bring an open mind with my various perspectives gained from my professional and academic experiences. I would be a driven student with a passion for education, and I would represent the University of Michigan to the best of my ability throughout my legal career.

[3pianists]

Overall first impression: it's not graceful. I can tell that you read the same Why X how-to posts I did, and that structure comes through transparently. You got all the pieces in, but is it an effective piece of writing?

Throughout, you should look at pruning your language. It feels like you often used more words than you needed to.

Also on the global level, it's very general. You point out things you like, but don't develop why you like them. Is there some reason you want to do summer start? What gives Ann Arbor the right feel? Why is it so special? In particular, your comments about yourself at the end don't fit in and are super general. It should be easy to talk about why you're a good fit for the school if your reasons for going there 1) are specific and 2) say something about who you are.

That said, I really struggled with writing my own essay, and I understand your pain.

[GoogleWasMyIdea]

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[cbbinnyc]

Overall first impression: it's not graceful. I can tell that you read the same Why X how-to posts I did, and that structure comes through transparently. You got all the pieces in, but is it an effective piece of writing?

Throughout, you should look at pruning your language. It feels like you often used more words than you needed to.

Also on the global level, it's very general. You point out things you like, but don't develop why you like them. Is there some reason you want to do summer start? What gives Ann Arbor the right feel? Why is it so special? In particular, your comments about yourself at the end don't fit in and are super general. It should be easy to talk about why you're a good fit for the school if your reasons for going there 1) are specific and 2) say something about who you are.

That said, I really struggled with writing my own essay, and I understand your pain.

I second these comments. In general you should think about your audience more. The Why X essay will only help if you show that you have done your research and have specific reasons that you want to attend that school.

You can delete the whole first paragraph. You're saying (in many words) that you have interacted with an alum who was impressive and therefore you want to go Michigan, which is not very compelling. Either be more specific (What was the alum's name? Was he a law school alum? Did he tell you something about the school that made you interested? etc) or scrap that

The second paragraph has more potential because you mention specific programs. However, as the earlier poster mentioned, your reasons for wanting to do the summer start are underdeveloped. You have some decent specific reasons for want to do the study abroad, but there could still be better clarity. What area of law are you interested in that would make study abroad productive? You hint at it but never come right out and say it.

The third paragraph, as is, should be scrapped. You don't offer any compelling reasons that you want to be in Ann Arbor, other than that you like it there, and the listing of all the places you have lived is superfluous here (maybe you could talk about it in a PS or DS if that's something you want to highlight).

This might be a more controversial point, but I think the fourth paragraph should go, too. Deciding to apply because you received a handwritten note won't help persuade the adcomm that you are a strong applicant.

The final paragraph is just platitudinal. "I will be a really good student." Well, what's the alternative? "I want to go to to your school so that I can do the bare minimum and be an embarrassment to the school." What are these various perspectives of which you speak?

I hope this is helpful and I hope I don't sound like a total dick, which can tend to happen inadvertently when giving comments. Just trying to be straightforward.