* PLZ Wreck this DS * Forum

[magnum_law]

Deleted. Thanks fam.

[magnum_law]

Bump

[strodriguez3]

Things that stood out during my quick read:

If your father is the immigrant, I believe you're considered first generation, not second. Double check that.

This may be applicable depending on the schools you're applying to --the word "hispanic" is sometimes frowned upon by race scholars (it's weighted with the negative connotation of "hispanicization"). Schools like NYU or UCLA with a critical race background like to use the term "Latino."

4th paragraph, last line - delete/replace "more comfortably." I understand what you want to say. Maybe that you did this with a sense of confidence. The word comfortably seems to clash with the hard-working theme you've got going there.

5th paragraph, last line - delete "or a derivative there of." It should focus on your experience, an immigrant background.



Good job. I really enjoyed it. It flows nicely from the narrative at the beginning to your closing thought.

[magnum_law]

Those are all great points! Can't thank you enough for taking the time.

[kevgogators]

Very solid

[PoopyPants]

I liked it. I have some nit picky grammar issues if you like. I agree with the above poster. You're a first generation American if you have immigrant parents.

Also, replace "comfortably" with "confidently." As the above poster said, it fights a bit with your overall message.

Second paragraph, second line. I would replace the em dash with a semicolon.

Second paragraph, third line. A semicolon connects two complete clauses. You have an incomplete clause following the semicolon. Replace it with "...transportation--and also my ride to school every morning." On the subject of em dashes and semicolons, only news outlets typically bookend them with a space. Most style guides eliminate the space (as in my suggestion).

Third paragraph, third line. Remove the comma after home.

Fourth paragraph, third line. Replace "it has instilled" with "it instilled".

Fifth paragraph, first line. You use passive voice fairly often in this piece, so you need to limit it where you can. This is a good example. Change it to something like "Through my participation and success in selective academic programs, I proved to myself that..."

As to the last line in paragraph 5, I would rephrase. It is kind of bulky and awkward, and you really don't need a semicolon there. I would write it as "I've learned through my experiences that the United States affords ample opportunities, rewards hard work, and, contrary to the beliefs of some, that simply being an immigrant does not make one inferior."

Good job on this. Just fix the little grammar blips, and you'll have a really solid DS.

[magnum_law]

Extremely grateful for the great tips, Poopy pants. Implemented them and I'm now feeling very content w/ my DS!

[magnum_law]

Question; My father is an immigrant, but my mother is a U.S. born Puerto Rican. She is definitely a first generation American, as her parents were both born abroad.

What does that make me?

I've always self-identified as a first gen-er, just because my upbringing certainly made me feel so. But in writing this I analyzed that further and can't determine how accurate that is...which is why I elected to go with second-gen immigrant.

[TheRealSantaClaus]

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[PoopyPants]

First generation can refer to those who immigrate and naturalize or those who are the first generation born here. I think having an immigrant father qualifies you.