do i look weak and naive in my PS? Help appreciated. Forum

[rachellewrx]

Thank you all for your advice.

[Mr. Archer]

You're PS has a lot of potential. The opening paragraph is unique, which is good. You might not have to cut it down but could tweak the formatting so that it is more of a paragraph and not a dialogue like you see in a book or script for a play. You shouldn't worry about "Why Law" being the topic. You could always add something in the last paragraph about your experiences preparing you to handle anything, including law school. Have you thought about shortening the paragraph about grad school and making the other two paragraphs more of the focus?

[strawberrieee]

First, since you said "I talked about how I improved my reading skills in order to show the Admission Committee that I work on my weakness and I will not have problems surviving law school where we'll have to do a lot of readings" I assume this is your topic of personal statement.

With that assumption, I suggest rewriting the beginning (from start to "With determination, mixed with fears and uncertainty, I started my journey") into one paragraph. Your current opening takes too much space while adding little to your main idea (the language barrier you faced + how you've overcome it).

Moreover, I don't see how the two paragraphs you planned to write on your BBB complaint are related to your main topic here. Those two paragraphs, if expanded, could be an entire personal statement on how your ideology about the law and dispute resolution has changed after you're exposed to a different legal environment.

Your ending does not fit the main topic as well. The conclusion shouldn't be a laundry list of your small changes. I think it's better to summarize the main point ("I overcame language barrier")+ bring it to a new level (what the ramifications it has on your future, e.g. your law school education).

It's okay not to write a Why Law personal statement. But it should be mentioned at least briefly somewhere in your application. You don't need to write two pages on Why Law, but you could use 1-2 sentences in your personal statement for Why Law, while staying relevant to your main topic. If your schools offer interviews, they probably ask Why Law anyway.

[PoopyPants]

If you do a search, you will find many people saying that "why law" is not necessary. In fact, most schools' prompts give you more than one option, with "why law" being among them. The personal statement is your chance to give them something unique about you. You don't have to answer "why law?" to do that.

[JazzyMac]

You also don't have to call panhandlers greedy. That's rude.

[rachellewrx]

You're PS has a lot of potential. The opening paragraph is unique, which is good. You might not have to cut it down but could tweak the formatting so that it is more of a paragraph and not a dialogue like you see in a book or script for a play. You shouldn't worry about "Why Law" being the topic. You could always add something in the last paragraph about your experiences preparing you to handle anything, including law school. Have you thought about shortening the paragraph about grad school and making the other two paragraphs more of the focus?

Thank you very much for your comment. I will take your advice tweaking the format. It would save me a lot of space. I, too, think that paragraph about grad school could be shortened. Your comment about adding last paragraph is especially helpful. It would save the whole passage from looking fragmented or inconsistent, and it would connect my experience to law school.

Thanks again.

[cranburial]

I agree with the previous posters. Also, some parts of your PS are awkwardly worded, with "and my brain was filled with all kinds of noises" being one example. "[Warnings from friends and relatives] flashed through my mind" would be a more idiomatic way to put it. I recommend having a native speaker look over your final statement.

I really think it'd be better to focus on one single experience. I understand the temptation to integrate many parts of your life into a coherent narrative, and that's what I tried to do in the first two versions of my PS. Just talking about how you dealt with racism/unfairness from the large companies would be more compelling, in my opinion. Learning to read English well, while impressive, is expected of international law students.

[rachellewrx]

First, since you said "I talked about how I improved my reading skills in order to show the Admission Committee that I work on my weakness and I will not have problems surviving law school where we'll have to do a lot of readings" I assume this is your topic of personal statement.

With that assumption, I suggest rewriting the beginning (from start to "With determination, mixed with fears and uncertainty, I started my journey") into one paragraph. Your current opening takes too much space while adding little to your main idea (the language barrier you faced + how you've overcome it).

Moreover, I don't see how the two paragraphs you planned to write on your BBB complaint are related to your main topic here. Those two paragraphs, if expanded, could be an entire personal statement on how your ideology about the law and dispute resolution has changed after you're exposed to a different legal environment.

Your ending does not fit the main topic as well. The conclusion shouldn't be a laundry list of your small changes. I think it's better to summarize the main point ("I overcame language barrier")+ bring it to a new level (what the ramifications it has on your future, e.g. your law school education).

It's okay not to write a Why Law personal statement. But it should be mentioned at least briefly somewhere in your application. You don't need to write two pages on Why Law, but you could use 1-2 sentences in your personal statement for Why Law, while staying relevant to your main topic. If your schools offer interviews, they probably ask Why Law anyway.

Thank you for your valuable input.

My original intent of this ps was to discuss my experience in the US and how this experience changed me from having doubts about furthering my study abroad to realizing how beneficial it is. That's when I came up with the beginning and the end.

When think about examples, I thought maybe I needed to show them that I'm able to survive in law school as well, considering I'm not a native English speaker. That's how I chose the overcoming language barrier example. This example could also show that I'm an active problem-solver.

After writing the paragraph about grad school, I wanted to say more about why beneficial my experience is. Two examples jumped into my head. One was me being discriminated for the first time, the other was filing a complaint against a big company. Raised up in a culture where individual's voice is usually not taken seriously, I was surprised that both problems got solved promptly. It indeed made me realize how "ideology about the law and dispute resolution has changed after you're exposed to a different legal environment," like you pointed out. I could relate this to wanting to learn more about your legal system which is undoubtedly more sophisticated than the one in my home country. I could even mention that coming from country which employs civic law system, I could provide different perspectives into class.

Right before I went into details in the two paragraphs, I read the rest of the statement a few times. I'm not pleased with the overall tone of the passage. I think it made me look not mature or deep. It did also make me feel that the theme in the passage was not very consistent. That's why I put this unfinished draft up here for advice. I'm glad that you agree that the two paragraphs I planned to expand are not related to the main topic.

In fact, replying your comment right now actually helped me see more clearly what went wrong in my draft. I didn't stick to my original theme. I wanted to show too many things in it.

I will rethink about what topic I want to discuss before continuing my original draft. Thank you again for your advice. It's been very helpful.

[rachellewrx]

If you do a search, you will find many people saying that "why law" is not necessary. In fact, most schools' prompts give you more than one option, with "why law" being among them. The personal statement is your chance to give them something unique about you. You don't have to answer "why law?" to do that.

Thank you. I've read PS suggestions here and there. I've been sticking to the guidelines on UChicago's webpage. Then I was reading Asha's blog on Yale's webpage today when I found out they "get an idea of who you are, what's gone on in your life, and -- implicitly or explicitly -- why you applied to law school."and "the great personal statement makes connections between the experiences or events that the applicant has highlighted and, say, a larger idea or theme that it made the applicant consider or explore further." I've seen comments about connecting personal experience to why law school before, but I ignored it. When I read Asha's blog, however, I started to rethink about my own PS.

Maybe I misunderstood what Asha meant in her blog. Anyway, I'm clearing my thoughts and rewriting the ps.

Thank you again for your input.

[rachellewrx]

You also don't have to call panhandlers greedy. That's rude.

I mentioned that based on personal experience. When I first came to the U.S., I used to give my changes to people who asked me for quarters or a dollar. Then one day a college-looking guy came to me, asking for a dollar. He was wearing clean shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He said he needed to buy a ticket to school and he was a dollar short. So I gave him. Five minutes later, I saw him pulling the same trick on others.

I'm not saying that everyone, as in ALL, who has asked me for money was greedy. I just learned my lessons there. Maybe it's my use of the word "begging" that is misleading. Maybe the word "asking" is better.

On the other hand, the admission committee probably would not give me a chance to defend my ps. They just read it and make the call. So if there is anything that would cause potential unnecessary disagreement, I will change it. Also, I'm having a hard time replacing the word " greedy". Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Thank you for commenting.

[rachellewrx]

I agree with the previous posters. Also, some parts of your PS are awkwardly worded, with "and my brain was filled with all kinds of noises" being one example. "[Warnings from friends and relatives] flashed through my mind" would be a more idiomatic way to put it. I recommend having a native speaker look over your final statement.

I really think it'd be better to focus on one single experience. I understand the temptation to integrate many parts of your life into a coherent narrative, and that's what I tried to do in the first two versions of my PS. Just talking about how you dealt with racism/unfairness from the large companies would be more compelling, in my opinion. Learning to read English well, while impressive, is expected of international law students.

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts.

I totally agree with you that I tried to include too many things in my ps. It became more clear to me as I was replying the other comment on my essay. I'm glad that you guys made me realize this significant problem in time. I'm taking your advice about focusing on one issue, and I think you made a good point that dealing with unfairness from large companies is more compelling.

I indeed plan to send my final draft to my friends in the U.S. so that they could help me with grammar stuff.

Thank you again for commenting. Happy holidays.

[strawberrieee]

You also don't have to call panhandlers greedy. That's rude.

I mentioned that based on personal experience. When I first came to the U.S., I used to give my changes to people who asked me for quarters or a dollar. Then one day a college-looking guy came to me, asking for a dollar. He was wearing clean shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He said he needed to buy a ticket to school and he was a dollar short. So I gave him. Five minutes later, I saw him pulling the same trick on others.

I'm not saying that everyone, as in ALL, who has asked me for money was greedy. I just learned my lessons there. Maybe it's my use of the word "begging" that is misleading. Maybe the word "asking" is better.

On the other hand, the admission committee probably would not give me a chance to defend my ps. They just read it and make the call. So if there is anything that would cause potential unnecessary disagreement, I will change it. Also, I'm having a hard time replacing the word " greedy". Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Thank you for commenting.

Do not assume people would understand the story behind everything you write. Make everything explicitly clear. It's especially dangerous for you as an international student to mention random things without any backup story, because you don't know how adcoms - who are from an entirely different culture - would react to your judgments.

[PoopyPants]

Then I was reading Asha's blog on Yale's webpage today when I found out they "get an idea of who you are, what's gone on in your life, and -- implicitly or explicitly -- why you applied to law school."and "the great personal statement makes connections between the experiences or events that the applicant has highlighted and, say, a larger idea or theme that it made the applicant consider or explore further." I've seen comments about connecting personal experience to why law school before, but I ignored it. When I read Asha's blog, however, I started to rethink about my own PS.

Maybe I misunderstood what Asha meant in her blog. Anyway, I'm clearing my thoughts and rewriting the ps.

Thank you again for your input.

I reckon it's a language thing. Read the bolded. Implicitly means that it's implied without being directly stated (explicitly).

[jrass]

I think it's good. A majority of law students are weak and naive. Most of us were attracted to law because we believed in the power of one wo/man being able to take on the world in the interest of justice. Doesn't get much more naive than that.

[rachellewrx]

I think it's good. A majority of law students are weak and naive. Most of us were attracted to law because we believed in the power of one wo/man being able to take on the world in the interest of justice. Doesn't get much more naive than that.

Thank you for commenting. It's very kind of you.

[rachellewrx]

You also don't have to call panhandlers greedy. That's rude.

I mentioned that based on personal experience. When I first came to the U.S., I used to give my changes to people who asked me for quarters or a dollar. Then one day a college-looking guy came to me, asking for a dollar. He was wearing clean shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He said he needed to buy a ticket to school and he was a dollar short. So I gave him. Five minutes later, I saw him pulling the same trick on others.

I'm not saying that everyone, as in ALL, who has asked me for money was greedy. I just learned my lessons there. Maybe it's my use of the word "begging" that is misleading. Maybe the word "asking" is better.

On the other hand, the admission committee probably would not give me a chance to defend my ps. They just read it and make the call. So if there is anything that would cause potential unnecessary disagreement, I will change it. Also, I'm having a hard time replacing the word " greedy". Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Thank you for commenting.

Do not assume people would understand the story behind everything you write. Make everything explicitly clear. It's especially dangerous for you as an international student to mention random things without any backup story, because you don't know how adcoms - who are from an entirely different culture - would react to your judgments.

Thanks for your advice. I have deleted the controversial part. I actually wrote a whole new ps below. Please let me know if you have any suggestions on the new one.

[rachellewrx]

Then I was reading Asha's blog on Yale's webpage today when I found out they "get an idea of who you are, what's gone on in your life, and -- implicitly or explicitly -- why you applied to law school."and "the great personal statement makes connections between the experiences or events that the applicant has highlighted and, say, a larger idea or theme that it made the applicant consider or explore further." I've seen comments about connecting personal experience to why law school before, but I ignored it. When I read Asha's blog, however, I started to rethink about my own PS.

Maybe I misunderstood what Asha meant in her blog. Anyway, I'm clearing my thoughts and rewriting the ps.

Thank you again for your input.

I reckon it's a language thing. Read the bolded. Implicitly means that it's implied without being directly stated (explicitly).

Thanks. I wrote a new ps, and I explicitly pointed out the why law school part, just to be safe. Please let me know how you think of the new piece.

[rachellewrx]

*********deleted******

[cbbinnyc]

I found this to be an interesting topic, but it's not very personal and it's way too technical. I think your contrasting experiences with how companies handle complaints in different societies could work, but this statement is very analytical and doesn't reveal much about yourself. My sense is that it will be difficult to personalize your issue with Wells Fargo: it sounds like a fairly minor coverage problem and the stakes are pretty low.

I think you need to find something that is personal to you - an organization you have been a part of that is particularly meaningful, your family, a personal struggle or triumph, etc. I haven't read your first draft in it's entirety, but I gather it is about gaining confidence with a new language, which seems like a much better and more personal topic.

[rachellewrx]

I found this to be an interesting topic, but it's not very personal and it's way too technical. I think your contrasting experiences with how companies handle complaints in different societies could work, but this statement is very analytical and doesn't reveal much about yourself. My sense is that it will be difficult to personalize your issue with Wells Fargo: it sounds like a fairly minor coverage problem and the stakes are pretty low.

I think you need to find something that is personal to you - an organization you have been a part of that is particularly meaningful, your family, a personal struggle or triumph, etc. I haven't read your first draft in it's entirety, but I gather it is about gaining confidence with a new language, which seems like a much better and more personal topic.

Hi, thank you for your input.

I,too, find my second essay not personal enough. I'm honestly a little worried about it. I'm working on the last two paragraphs to somehow connect this topic with how it inspired me to study law in the U.S.

I stopped working on my first essay because put too many angles in it and it didn't turn out right. I decided that it is too hard to save it.

Thanks again for your opinion. I will take a deeper thought into it.

[jrass]

(1) Why does improving your reading skills and filing a discrimination lawsuit make you weak and naive?
(2) Has it been established that being weak and naive is bad for your chances?
(3) Filing a discrimination lawsuit can reflect positively or negatively on you. There's a risk in discussing this, and that should be your focus.

[JazzyMac]

I definitely understand trying to tie down the best essay to connect with law schools. Your first one was better. Perhaps just tie in the parts about mainland Chinese and powdered formula...how in social aspects and federal law sends a tone of discrimination. From feeling self conscious about how you sound to having to prove you're only carrying a gram of powdered milk.

I too face confusing...trying to make my essay as humbling, yet successful...and personal without going into the weeds. I wish you the best.

[rachellewrx]

(1) Why does improving your reading skills and filing a discrimination lawsuit make you weak and naive?
(2) Has it been established that being weak and naive is bad for your chances?
(3) Filing a discrimination lawsuit can reflect positively or negatively on you. There's a risk in discussing this, and that should be your focus.

Hi, thanks for commenting. I think it's the ending that makes me look not mature. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for my chances. I agree about the risk in discussing discrimination issue. Therefore I discarded the sensitive racism issue. I also deleted the improving reading skills part because a previous comment pointed out that reading skills is expected for international students. I was afraid that the admission committee would agree with her/him.

I know that I can't write an essay that pleases everyone, and my LSAT score isn't too competitive. So I played safe by writing a new essay.

Thanks again for your input.

[jrass]

(1) Why does improving your reading skills and filing a discrimination lawsuit make you weak and naive?
(2) Has it been established that being weak and naive is bad for your chances?
(3) Filing a discrimination lawsuit can reflect positively or negatively on you. There's a risk in discussing this, and that should be your focus.

Hi, thanks for commenting. I think it's the ending that makes me look not mature. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for my chances. I agree about the risk in discussing discrimination issue. Therefore I discarded the sensitive racism issue. I also deleted the improving reading skills part because a previous comment pointed out that reading skills is expected for international students. I was afraid that the admission committee would agree with her/him.

I know that I can't write an essay that pleases everyone, and my LSAT score isn't too competitive. So I played safe by writing a new essay.

Thanks again for your input.

I think being behind the 8-ball learning a new language but then ultimately persevering would be viewed very positively. While reading and writing are critical components to your success, there are intangible psychological traits that are probably more important. Law school will suck and be horrible, and you'll swim through more shit than a plumber. Anybody who tells you otherwise is either a lunatic or is comparing it to having leprosy. Perseverance is very much a necessary condition, and therefore anything that shows you have it is good. The discrimination thing only seemed risky because it could come across as though you're a risk.

[rachellewrx]

(1) Why does improving your reading skills and filing a discrimination lawsuit make you weak and naive?
(2) Has it been established that being weak and naive is bad for your chances?
(3) Filing a discrimination lawsuit can reflect positively or negatively on you. There's a risk in discussing this, and that should be your focus.

Hi, thanks for commenting. I think it's the ending that makes me look not mature. I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for my chances. I agree about the risk in discussing discrimination issue. Therefore I discarded the sensitive racism issue. I also deleted the improving reading skills part because a previous comment pointed out that reading skills is expected for international students. I was afraid that the admission committee would agree with her/him.

I know that I can't write an essay that pleases everyone, and my LSAT score isn't too competitive. So I played safe by writing a new essay.

Thanks again for your input.

I think being behind the 8-ball learning a new language but then ultimately persevering would be viewed very positively. While reading and writing are critical components to your success, there are intangible psychological traits that are probably more important. Law school will suck and be horrible, and you'll swim through more shit than a plumber. Anybody who tells you otherwise is either a lunatic or is comparing it to having leprosy. Perseverance is very much a necessary condition, and therefore anything that shows you have it is good. The discrimination thing only seemed risky because it could come across as though you're a risk.

Thank you for your comment. I think what you said makes sense. I will incorporate how I improved my reading skills in one of my addenda.