What do you think of my Diversity Statement thus far? Forum

[_MeMe_]

delete

[sjp200]

This comes off unrevealing to me.

Things I know after this:You're a person of color who at one point was shown racism while you were too young to completely understand it.

Things I don't know after reading this: Were you in the same economic strata as your peers? What race were you actually? Did your "friend" ever reach out to you? Has any of this manifested in your character besides you quoting one of the greatest advocates of equality of the modern era?

Honestly, this just seems like you are pointing out that you are a minority. As a fellow POC, I think this just doesn't justify the statement. Especially if you are African-American, this is going to come off generic and almost unnecessary. Also, the person treating you like you were a stranger being characterized as audacity is too judgmental. Remember, that person was a kid, they were most likely following someone else's lead or direction. That statement puts you in an unfavorable light with a likely predominately white AdCom, and, as a reader, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to think that the statement infers you are of the "me vs them" mentality.

The parity in the beginning and the end really isn't as clever as you'd hope it came off. It comes off bland and almost obvious. I think it may be in your best interest to highlight your growth through adversity in the PS, not a DS

[Troianii]

So far, double spaced it is 1 and 1/4th of a page. I don't want to make it longer than that (unless you suggest otherwise for good reason).

_______________Start__________________

I’m just like everyone else.

I didn’t have to convince myself of that, I meant it. Growing up, I was used to being the only brown face in a crowd and it had never been a perceived obstacle for me. For the most part, I was accepted and made to feel just like everyone else. At this point in my life, I was care-free, but the rose-colored glasses of youth and naiveté can do that to a person.

I guess that explains why all of a sudden it seemed that my world had turned upside down.

I was invited to a friend’s birthday party where all I wanted to do was have fun and celebrate her day. My father pulled up to the pool house and led me inside where once again I was the lone brown face, but this time, something was different; I didn’t feel like everyone else, and I wasn’t made to feel like everyone else. I wasn’t greeted by my friend, she just stared at me, like most of the guests at the pool, like I was a stranger. I could tell from the look on my dad’s face that he was apprehensive about leaving me there so I didn’t get to stick around for long, however I didn’t understand it at the time. Unlike all of the other instances where I felt welcomed and secure in a social space, this wasn’t one of them. I knew I looked different from everyone else, but that didn’t necessarily mean I was different, and my friend couldn’t have forgotten that she invited me to her party, since she knew ahead of time that I made plans to attend; she must have mistaken me for someone else.

When I got home, I was upset with everything that happened, including the audacity of my friend to treat me like I was a stranger, but it was at this point that I had to learn to reconcile two identities, the person society has chosen to view me as and the person that I actually am. I am more than what I look like, I am more than what I am thought to be, and I am more than what others think I ought to be and am capable of. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” I take those words of wisdom to heart everyday by remembering that despite the disadvantages and circumstances that I face throughout my life as a person of color, I am more than what others make me out to be, as a result, I am greater and I am stronger, so I’m not so much like everyone else after all.
________________________Finish___________________________


Do you feel this captures the gist of my diversity component? What should I enhance? Take-away? Any glaring grammar/punctuation mistakes (I tend to over use the semi-colon I think)? Also, I am black. Should I be more specific about this than using POC?!?! Does it need more detail?

Thanks.

First off welcome to TLS. Grammar Nazi'ing isn't my forte, you should probably be most interested in getting help with the meat of the statement, and then have it reviewed by a couple humanities professors (or use the writing center, if your school has one). With that in mind, I would simply ask if you have another story you can talk about. I don't say this because there's anything really wrong with your statement, except that childhood rejection, even with a racial tint, isn't something that will stand out that much. One of the main things that you want to achieve with your personal statement, as well as your diversity statement, is standing out (w/o going over the top, of course - still keep it professional). This statement is pretty generic - you don't want to be generic applicant.

[seashell.economy]

I actually really like this. The only thing that makes it generic is the MLK quote. Take that out, explicitly mention you are black, tie who you are to how you can bring in diversity to the incoming class, and this statement will be a really nice one page diversity statement.

[_MeMe_]

First off welcome to TLS. Grammar Nazi'ing isn't my forte, you should probably be most interested in getting help with the meat of the statement, and then have it reviewed by a couple humanities professors (or use the writing center, if your school has one). With that in mind, I would simply ask if you have another story you can talk about. I don't say this because there's anything really wrong with your statement, except that childhood rejection, even with a racial tint, isn't something that will stand out that much. One of the main things that you want to achieve with your personal statement, as well as your diversity statement, is standing out (w/o going over the top, of course - still keep it professional). This statement is pretty generic - you don't want to be generic applicant.

Please remove my statement from your post. Thanks.

[Clearly]

First off welcome to TLS. Grammar Nazi'ing isn't my forte, you should probably be most interested in getting help with the meat of the statement, and then have it reviewed by a couple humanities professors (or use the writing center, if your school has one). With that in mind, I would simply ask if you have another story you can talk about. I don't say this because there's anything really wrong with your statement, except that childhood rejection, even with a racial tint, isn't something that will stand out that much. One of the main things that you want to achieve with your personal statement, as well as your diversity statement, is standing out (w/o going over the top, of course - still keep it professional). This statement is pretty generic - you don't want to be generic applicant.

Don't quote statements.