Personal Statement final draft feedback requested. Forum

[Impfac]

My statement is a bit of a challenge: I'm 30, had to drop out of college in 2001 due to "depression" that was actually a simple hormone issue that was untreated/undiagnosed until 2010, leaving a big chunk of time where I wasn't in school. I'm going to include an addendum regarding that as well, but I wanted to show how that time out of school transformed me and opened my mind, making me a better student. Diversity statement to discuss it as well.

This is my final revision (after many!). Will send to grammar nazi parents to proof soon as well:

When I realized my doctors had for years misdiagnosed a simple medical issue as an intractable mental illness, I was furious. I recognized my condition from an introductory biology course, which was confirmed with simple blood tests; how had so many doctors missed it for nearly ten years? I called it my "lost decade,” wasted struggling with depression and fatigue triggered by a minor hormone imbalance. Yet my experiences forced me to reexamine the world from a radically new perspective, demolishing the intellectual walls that had insulated me from new ideas for so long. Instead of fearing challenges that might disprove my beliefs, I learned to embrace self doubt and maintain an open mind willing to adopt new perspectives.
I entered SUNY Albany in 2001 an avid conservative partisan, pursuing my lifelong plan to enter the political fray as a right wing crusader. My politics were nurtured by carefully curated facts which I saw little reason to question. But by 2002, as I became increasingly depressed, it became impossible to function in school and I was forced to withdraw. Doctors mistakenly presumed I had depression and prescribed various ineffectual medications. My parents pushed me into ClearView supportive housing for the mentally ill in 2003. Suddenly, my certain path evaporated. Dejected, I surrendered my law school ambitions.
At first, I did not see any need to reevaluate my political dogma, despite living in the system I vehemently opposed. Yet without the programs I demonized, the kindly older man whom I admired for his struggle to regain his dignity and independence by returning to his janitorial job would have been homeless. A gentle, mildly retarded African American man with an endearing, child like disposition would have been in prison instead of being released to an addiction rehabilitation program. I could not have gotten my own medical care without government assistance. The black and white perspective I’d clung too was so demonstrably false that my entrenched political beliefs became riddled with exceptions and caveats, triggering a gradual drift from conservative to liberal that would have been unthinkable to me before.
Despite the frustrating haze of medication and the humiliating relegation to the mental health system, I retained my intellectual curiosity. I embraced mental challenges wherever I could find them, growing restless with being labeled disabled, instead dragging myself back to work full time. Within a year, I moved out of ClearView and tried to forget that part of my life, but the effects resonated. I could no longer ignore the intellectually disingenuous foundation of my politics. Pushed out of my myopic perspective showed many of the “facts” I had believed were false.
Miraculously, despite the side effects of medications and still undiagnosed health issues, I found the motivation to return to school in 2010, where my willingness to embrace new ideas helped expand my intellectual horizons. I was confronted with postmodern feminist theory and critical legal studies, which assailed my epistemological pursuit of objective reality. While my classmates often struggled and resisted, I was enthralled, devouring this new information and searching beyond what was assigned, ready and eager to explore new ways not to answer questions but to ask them. Challenging my reality was no longer threatening, it was exciting, and I pursued these challenges with zeal.
As a result, my perspective on many subjects, such as race, gender, and the law, was fundamentally transformed. I realize now that if my simple hormone imbalance had been properly diagnosed in 2002, this transformation might not have been possible. These new ways of thinking would have been rejected out of hand without consideration. I gained a grudging appreciation for the long, winding path that led me from Albany to Albuquerque. I learned to embrace doubt and challenge reality, just as reality challenged me. It was a long and difficult journey, but I know now that far from being angry about it, I should be deeply grateful; it left me a better student, and a better person.

[alice1990]

Overall I like it and I think it serves your purpose well!

A couple of comments though - I would not use the word retarded. It can be seen as derogatory, and you never know who will be reading your statement and their personal story. Same goes for the paragraph in which you bash conservative political beliefs (and I'm saying this as a raging liberal). Better safe than sorry, I would maybe soften the language where you say

I could no longer ignore the intellectually disingenuous foundation of my politics. Pushed out of my myopic perspective showed many of the “facts” I had believed were false.

the kindly older man whom I admired for his struggle to regain his dignity and independence by returning to his janitorial job would have been homeless.

Which man?

Also, I would maybe rephrase these sentence:

I was confronted with postmodern feminist theory and critical legal studies, which assailed my epistemological pursuit of objective reality.

I hope this helps - Good luck!!

[Impfac]

Thanks for the feedback; I incorporated a lot of it.

This is the draft I'm going to send to people to critique for grammar and structure, ie, this is basically it. Let me know what you think!



When I realized my doctors had for years misdiagnosed a simple medical issue as an intractable mental illness, I was furious. I recognized my condition from an introductory biology course, which was confirmed with simple blood tests; how had so many doctors missed it for nearly ten years? I called it my "lost decade,” wasted struggling with depression and fatigue triggered by a minor hormone imbalance. Yet my struggles forced me to reexamine the world from a radically new perspective, overcoming intellectual walls that had insulated me from new ideas for so long. My aversion to self doubt was replaced by an open mind, willing to consider new paradigms, a trait that has allowed me to flourish.
I entered SUNY Albany in 2001 an avid conservative partisan, pursuing my lifelong plan to enter the political fray as a right wing crusader. My politics were nurtured by carefully curated facts which I saw little reason to question. But by 2002, as I became increasingly depressed, it became impossible to function in school. I was forced to withdraw. Doctors mistakenly presumed I had depression and prescribed various ineffectual medications. My parents pushed me into ClearView supportive housing for the mentally ill; suddenly, my certain path evaporated. Dejected, I surrendered my law school ambitions.
At first, I did not see any need to reevaluate my political dogma, despite living in the system I vehemently opposed, but slowly I began see how my philosophy would have impacted those around me. Without the programs I demonized, a man I admired for his heroic struggle against mental illness to regain his job as a janitor would have been homeless. A gentle, mildly retarded man with an endearing, child like disposition would have been in prison instead of being released to an addiction rehabilitation program that helped him return to work. I could not have gotten my own medical care without government assistance.
These were not the caricatures of dependence I had imagined; they were real people in need. The political beliefs I clung to became riddled with exceptions and caveats, triggering a gradual drift from conservative to liberal that I would have found unthinkable. Pushed out of my myopia, I was forced to recognized many of the “facts” that had shaped my politics were not infallible empirical truths but opinions shaped by my perspectives.
Despite the frustrating haze of medication and the humiliating relegation to the mental health system, I grew restless with being labeled disabled, instead dragging myself back to work full time and moving out of ClearView within a year. This proved to be another key experience, as I learned how harrowing it is to live far below the poverty line, working without benefits and or job security. Miraculously, despite the side effects of medications and still undiagnosed health issues, I found the motivation to return to school in 2010, where my willingness to embrace new ideas helped expand my intellectual horizons.
I was confronted with postmodern feminist theory and critical legal studies, which assailed my pursuit of an objective reality. While my classmates often struggled and resisted, I was enthralled, devouring this new information and researching far beyond what was assigned, eager to seek not new answers but new ways to question. Challenging my reality was no longer threatening, it was exciting, and I pursued it with zeal. As a result, my perspective on many subjects I had never thought to question, such as law and gender, was fundamentally transformed.
I realize now that if my simple hormone imbalance had been properly diagnosed in 2002, this transformation might not have been possible. These new ways of thinking would have been rejected out of hand without consideration. I have gained a grudging appreciation for the long, winding path that led me from Albany to Albuquerque. I learned to embrace doubt and challenge reality, just as reality challenged me. It was a long and difficult journey, but I know now that far from being angry about it, I should be deeply grateful; it left me a better student, and a better person.

[oreomilkshake]

deleted.

[Impfac]

Man nobody likes that world... Okay its gone!

[Unfathomableruckus]

The overall impression gave me an icky feeling, to be honest. I didn't like you much. Then again, I might be way off about you but I thought I'd just give you my initial impression for what it's worth. I would want to know. I think you should make the vibe of your ps more positive with less blame on others. Is there any way you could focus on your accomplishments or goals more and less on the struggle aspect?