PS Final Draft (Hopefully!) Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hoping I'm submission-ready with this. Comes out to exactly two pages double-spaced. Would love some final critiques and copy-editing.

Sitting in the cold, sterile room, I studied a stack of glossy pamphlets, trying to decipher the six-syllable words with too many consonants to be good news. The symptoms were explained with increasing detail: neovascularization, vitreous hemorrhage, retinal detachment. They culminated in a troubling finale of proliferative diabetic retinopathy. For my husband, a type-one diabetic from the age of two, that mouthful of strange words meant he was going blind.

It began with a scratched eye, or so we thought. A week before the doctor’s visit, his vision went blurry. Objects drifted in and out of focus. Soon, he began to see dark spots. He could no longer go to work, he couldn’t drive a car, and even trying to pass the time with TV became an exercise in frustration.

The retina specialist explained that my husband’s poorly regulated blood sugar led to severely damaged blood vessels around his eyes. My husband sat in stunned silence, while I probed about the tiniest of details, scribbling notes about micro-aneurysms and laser photocoagulation. The complexity of his condition overwhelmed me. I began to imagine what it would be like if he never regained normal vision. It would mean the end of our regular movie dates. It would mean constantly coordinating his transportation. I felt heartbroken knowing that any inconveniences I may experience would pale compared to those my husband would endure. I resolved to do everything I could to help him.

I’ve always been a curious person, constantly digging deeper into subjects and trying to understand the details. This time was no different. I threw myself into the medical literature, becoming a student of diabetic retinopathy. I familiarized myself with medical terms and treatment options preparing for what was headed our way. As the months passed, and the vessels broke and bled into his eyes, I assured my husband that whatever happened, we would face it together.

After multiple laser treatments and injections in his eyes failed to restore his eyesight, my husband began to panic. I was scared, too, but I recognized his need for reassurance and stood ready to honor my pledge of constancy through sickness and health. It took three eye surgeries for the doctor to scrape out the blood that caked the back of his retinas. A few days after the third surgery, his vision finally cleared. After months of preparing for the worst, my husband’s full recovery felt like an unexpected victory. Our relief was enormous.

Our journey through treatment and recovery taught me what it means to care for another person. It taught me what it means to hold everything together when someone else cannot. Juggling back and forth trips to the doctor and taking care of our household needs while working full time was a difficult balancing act. The rollercoaster of tried and failed treatments taught me to persevere and project optimism despite our setbacks. The practice of law requires a different sort of care for others, but it is still care. Not every client will be facing a fate as dramatic as blindness, but many people seek out the advice of lawyers in times of adversity. I hope that my ability to be a strong and sensitive leader, especially amidst conflict, will contribute to my success as an advocate for others.

Studying the law will require me to draw on my love for research, and my dogged desire to master difficult material. This trait has come in handy in my work as a legal assistant with the Law Offices of Adrienne D. Cohen, where I am always asking questions beyond my assigned tasks. While helping in the billing department, I launched and managed an initiative to probe stale accounts, and through aggressive investigation and follow up, recovered thousands of dollars owed to our managing partner. I am looking forward to applying this tenacity to my studies when I attend law school this coming Fall.

I have always wanted to become a lawyer because I want to be someone that other people can lean on in difficult times. I already have the instincts for that kind of work, and I’m looking forward to learning the skills.

[cbbinnyc]

This is a great statement.

For my money, you could get rid of the bit about your legal assistant work. It seems out of place after a gripping story about your husband's recovery, it doesn't add anything significant, and it should be addressed in your resume and recommendations anyway.

ETA: Actually, one other thought ... I was engrossed by the story but, in reflection, the statement could be more focused on you. You do talk about getting educated about the disease, but maybe you could add more specifics about difficulties you faced having to take care of your husband and do full-time work.

[totesTheGoat]

This is a great statement.

For my money, you could get rid of the bit about your legal assistant work. It seems out of place after a gripping story about your husband's recovery, it doesn't add anything significant, and it should be addressed in your resume and recommendations anyway.

ETA: Actually, one other thought ... I was engrossed by the story but, in reflection, the statement could be more focused on you. You do talk about getting educated about the disease, but maybe you could add more specifics about difficulties you faced having to take care of your husband and do full-time work.

OP: If you think there's a way to tie the legal assistant work into your story a little better, do it. I would imagine something about how you had this pent up drive to affect change due to your husband's affliction, but your job helped you channel that drive into a set of goals.

I also agree that it can be focused more on you. I think you do a pretty good job of describing your role in the story, but don't be afraid to push the focus even more on yourself. I would focus on the "As the months passed" part and see if you can capture some of the detail in how you prepared yourself and your husband for the prospect of a very different life.

Other than those suggestions, this is great!