Personal Statement - Suggestions/Trimming Forum

[barkgarry]

Hi everyone, I was hoping for some general advice on my PS draft and recommendations on how I might cut it down a bit. Thanks.

In May 2015, with my tenure as President of the [student group] coming to a close, I was sitting in my office at the [student union] of [school] typing out an exit report for the person elected to replace me. I had been an executive of this group since my freshman year, and it formed the bulk of my extracurricular activity at [school]. Writing this document intended to sum up four years of experiences caused a lot of personal reflection. It brought into focus how the [student group] shaped my time at [school] as well as what I wanted in my future

I started to really get into music in seventh grade. One day I decided to put on Led Zeppelin’s unnamed fourth album, and it just clicked. This was especially strange because my dad had always blasted Zeppelin when he drove me places as a kid, which elicited a mixture of embarrassment and repugnance. I didn’t even try to hide it when I got into them – my love for their music far outweighed my pride. This set me on a path of exploring music and, ultimately, picking up the guitar. My playing improved rapidly through high school and I spent endless hours practicing, performing, and jamming with friends.

I met many musicians in my freshman dorm at [school]. Oddly enough, few of them had much experience playing with others – they simply didn’t know many people in high school who shared their passion for music. This struck me as a shame. Jamming with friends constituted some of my favorite experiences in high school. I could truly lose myself playing music. It helped me live in the moment, it took my mind off my parents splitting up my senior year, and nothing compared to the rush of endorphins when I was playing totally in sync with a friend. Why shouldn’t the musicians in my dorm get the same thing?

I found an opportunity to help address this problem at a school event where clubs and services tried to reach out to students. There was a table for a club called the [student group]. They had formed the previous semester to foster the musical community at [school] and were looking for new Executives. I jumped at the chance. It was a very small operation at first. Every week or so, we’d book a room in the student building and bring all the equipment we had – a snare drum, a hi-hat, an acoustic guitar, a violin, and a piano borrowed from the [student union] – and got jams going with the dozen or so people that showed up.

By far my favorite thing about those early gatherings was seeing bonds being formed. As an Executive, I acted as an icebreaker by trying to spark as many conversations as possible with members and get others to join in. I watched eyes light up as two people realized they had the same favorite band. However, I ultimately wanted to provide something more for students in the [student group]: a space exclusively dedicated for jamming and furnished with instruments that could be used free of charge. The Faculty of Music had many practice rooms, but they were only available to students in the faculty. Thus, the [STUDENT GROUP] took it upon itself to secure a jam room for everyone else – for people like the musicians in my dorm.

The jam space, which the [student group] received from the [student union] in 2012, was in the sub-basement of the student building and dingy but spacious. It allowed us to address another problem faced by many musicians at [school]. Not all instruments are equally convenient. I was lucky in that I played guitar and had a small five-watt amp, both of which could be easily carried around and stored in my room. I felt bad for people who played the drums or piano, as it was virtually impossible for any freshman to bring their instruments with them. To fix this problem, the Executive team built up a communal instrument bank in the jam room, starting with equipment that we figured students had the least access to – a drum set, a piano, a full-sized keyboard, large amps, and a PA system.

I always got an immensely rewarding feeling when I saw connections being made, or someone finally being reunited with the drums after having to leave their kit at home in Toronto. I had taken my passion for music and desire to help others and used it to help build a now massive student organization and improve my campus. I want to take those same qualities into law school and ultimately a career in law. I have a strong interest in law, and I know that I will have the same level of motivation and ability to transform my passion into action in the field of law as I do with music.

[cbbinnyc]

The problem I see with this essay is that you never make it clear why you would want to go to law school. Up until the last few sentences, it sounds like you're applying to an MFA Music program. Then you make a very half-hearted attempt to connect your story to law school. You say that you have an interest in law (though you don't give any indication why) and that you would bring the qualities shown in the story to a law career, though its unclear how building a student organization is pertinent to being a lawyer.

There are definitely ways to cut this down (delete the second paragraph, for one) but I would refocus the entire thing. You can use the same subject, building a music organization at your school, but find a way to relate it to the law.

[barkgarry]

The problem I see with this essay is that you never make it clear why you would want to go to law school. Up until the last few sentences, it sounds like you're applying to an MFA Music program. Then you make a very half-hearted attempt to connect your story to law school. You say that you have an interest in law (though you don't give any indication why) and that you would bring the qualities shown in the story to a law career, though its unclear how building a student organization is pertinent to being a lawyer.

There are definitely ways to cut this down (delete the second paragraph, for one) but I would refocus the entire thing. You can use the same subject, building a music organization at your school, but find a way to relate it to the law.

Thanks for the advice! I'll look for ways to tie it more into why I want to go to law school. And yeah, I was thinking that the second paragraph was definitely the most expendable.