PS 1st Draft... Is this too emotional/story like? Forum

[MajesticSeaFlapFlap]

This is only my first 'free writing' of my PS. I was in in a bicycle accident that left me in horrible shape. I feel this is a good depiction of my character and it was the reason I had to withdraw from my class load that particular semester in undergrad. I feel this is an important thing to know about me, but I am hoping that the admissions council are not going to think I want to be pitied. This is only the beginning of my essay and I am going to address other things afterward that are less emotional and story like and more along the lines of my character. I just wanted to gage if you guys think this is too, 'ooh poor me,' and dramatic. I'm really trying to make this PS as serious and factual as possible but I am finding it hard as a. I lived through it, and b. in order to understand there has to be a story that is told.


Please be brutally honest

All critiques are welcomed!
(please remember this is only the first 1/2 and my first draft)

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Pedaling through the suburbs of the back neighborhood of X University was always the favorite part of my day. The bright Xcity sun gleaming off the aluminum spokes of my trusty road bike, and the whistling noise of the salty ocean breeze rustling through the big maple leaves on 83rd Street always brought me a sense of peace before a hectic day of classes, meetings, and commitments. I remember the sounds so distinctly that day. The racing motor of a busy commuter swerving into my lane. My heart throbbing loudly in my ears as I tried to move out of the way, the metallic ‘cling’ of my heavy school bag strap getting caught in my bicycle spokes. The rush of wind past my ears as I flew over my bullhorn handlebars, and the overwhelming crunch of my facial bones shattering against the hot Xcity aspault.

I was told that I had fractured three bones in my face, and shattered the roots of my teeth, my jaw bone, and pushed my newly ‘braces free’ teeth an inch and a half into my pallet. The nurses assured me how extremely lucky as was as I avoided a paralysis, and furthermore fatality from a cerebral impact by millimeters. The first time I caught a glimpse of my reflection was the moment I understood my life would be forever altered. My previously ivory skin was unrecognizable, as it had been stained crimson, ripped open, pushed aside, and black and blue. Nothing was where it once was, physically, emotionally, and even socially. I was already being treated so differently. I was told that ‘it would be okay’ if I did not want to return to school and complete my degree. Or that ‘it was recommended that I took time off from completing my degree.’ After all, I had virtually torn off my face. Nothing was expected from me, and I absolutely despised it.

Overcoming preconceived notions of what is typically expected is nothing new to me. It has been a family joke that throughout my whole life, I am continuously the underdog in whatever I strive to achieve. Maybe it is due to my lofty expectations, the unfortunate set backs I find myself in, or it is attributable to my tame and reserved disposition. However, what most fail to understand, is that I am a natural born competitor, someone who has always been unafraid to do whatever it takes to succeed, thus to prove whomever doubts me wrong. My family has continuously told me that whatever I put my mind to, and if I truly do whatever it takes, I can achieve anything.They have witnessed time and time again, even when my true character is tested; I remain relentless to my goals.
I returned to school the following semester after only three months off, and nineteen reconstructive surgeries and procedures. Although I was previously behind in my school work, I managed to accomplish completing my business degree as well as my business law emphasis and walk with my class.

[porkypig]

One thing I can say is that in the first paragraph the peaceful imagery doesn't really transition into violent imagery well. I think you need something "sharp" to mark the change of atmosphere. Maybe even just a new paragraph before the "I remember the sounds..." sentence.
I'm no expert on what admissions officers look for, but this is just a stellar piece of writing.

[pittsburghpirates]

Telling a story is not necessarily a bad thing (I used an anecdote in my PS), but you have to put that story to work. You can use a story to show the qualities that you want adcomms to know about you in a powerful way.

From what you have written so far, your PS seems that you do more telling than showing. You mention that you are a natural competitor and do whatever it takes to succeed as well as several other characteristics that could make you a successful law student. Instead of simply saying these things, show them. Discussing coming back to school quickly, the challenges of completing your work with the state of your health, and the likely immense amount of effort that you put forth in order to earn your degree and walk with your class could be a better route to go instead.

Also, take this with a grain of salt as it is just my opinion, I would venture to say that the qualities you mention about being a natural competitor and remaining relentless to your goals (as well as the others) are applicable to a large number of law school applicants. What is not applicable to a large number of other applicants though is the circumstances by which you have applied these characteristics to get you to where you are now. I would spend more time in you PS there.

[amta]

Post removed...

[totesTheGoat]

Telling a story is not necessarily a bad thing (I used an anecdote in my PS), but you have to put that story to work. You can use a story to show the qualities that you want adcomms to know about you in a powerful way.

From what you have written so far, your PS seems that you do more telling than showing. You mention that you are a natural competitor and do whatever it takes to succeed as well as several other characteristics that could make you a successful law student.

This is really good advice.

I'd ratchet the shock factor down from 10 to about a 7. You don't know who is going to be reading this, and describing your injuries in detail may poison the well while adding nothing to the point of the PS. I think a good way to make the story better is to focus on your recovery more than your injury. In essence, and not to be insensitive, a reader could read this and come with the impression of "so what? people get severely injured every day, that doesn't make them a good law school candidate."

As written, the PS most strongly elicits pity. Pity doesn't get you into law school. You need to focus on making the PS tell the story that you're a good candidate for law school. You currently spend about 3 sentences talking about why you're a good law school candidate... make that 3 paragraphs instead.

[tyang]

how did you learn and grow from that experience of being seriously injured? how did you overcome being behind academically? how does this experience make you a better candidate for LS?

[Cochran]

Telling a story is not necessarily a bad thing (I used an anecdote in my PS), but you have to put that story to work. You can use a story to show the qualities that you want adcomms to know about you in a powerful way.

From what you have written so far, your PS seems that you do more telling than showing. You mention that you are a natural competitor and do whatever it takes to succeed as well as several other characteristics that could make you a successful law student.

This is really good advice.

I'd ratchet the shock factor down from 10 to about a 7. You don't know who is going to be reading this, and describing your injuries in detail may poison the well while adding nothing to the point of the PS. I think a good way to make the story better is to focus on your recovery more than your injury. In essence, and not to be insensitive, a reader could read this and come with the impression of "so what? people get severely injured every day, that doesn't make them a good law school candidate."

As written, the PS most strongly elicits pity. Pity doesn't get you into law school. You need to focus on making the PS tell the story that you're a good candidate for law school. You currently spend about 3 sentences talking about why you're a good law school candidate... make that 3 paragraphs instead.

I really liked the shock factor a lot, and think a 10 is reasonable for the events at hand. I agree with the poster above though that you may be able to put a sharper contrast on the normal commutes through school and that particular one in the 1st paragraph. But either way, I really like the detail and writing, it's really gripping.

The big flaw is the ending, although I assume this was just a sketch that you're planing to bolster. I agree with the other posters that you should give the same level of description and detail to the outcome/lessons of the injury as you do the description of the injury (perfectly acceptable imo).

[totesTheGoat]

I really liked the shock factor a lot, and think a 10 is reasonable for the events at hand. I agree with the poster above though that you may be able to put a sharper contrast on the normal commutes through school and that particular one in the 1st paragraph. But either way, I really like the detail and writing, it's really gripping.

The big flaw is the ending, although I assume this was just a sketch that you're planing to bolster. I agree with the other posters that you should give the same level of description and detail to the outcome/lessons of the injury as you do the description of the injury (perfectly acceptable imo).

I think that if you take this advice as a whole, the shock factor can work. Currently, the PS is TWO PARAGRAPHS OF SHOCK SCREAMING AT YOU followed by a wimpy conclusion. if the PS was TWO PARAGRAPHS OF SHOCK SCREAMING AT YOU followed by a strong story of development that yells "I BELONG IN YOUR LAW SCHOOL!!" it'll balance out.