2nd Draft of PS, any critique is appreciated. (willing to swap as well-- PM me) Forum

[zach1394]

This is a revised statement of one I posted about a month ago-

Personal Statement:

At fourteen years old I received the call I was waiting for. It was an invitation to play for the elite soccer program in my area. I had thousands of hours of practice and training under my belt, I knew I was good and I was ready to prove it. I trained harder than I ever had during those weeks leading up, any skills I lacked would be made up for with my preparation. The biggest day in my soccer career came, I had my opportunity and I choked.

I choked in a literal sense, my vision left me, my chest tightened and I could not breathe. All I could think of was my dream slipping through my hands. The next thing that I remember was sitting in front of the doctor. I was told that my Mitral Valve, an essential valve in the heart, was almost non-existent. This in turn caused blood to leak into to my lungs. The doctor told me I could never play the game that I loved again. Everything thereafter was simply noise.

At that time, losing soccer as part of my daily life seemed tragic. I had been striving to obtain a Division I scholarship ever since I could remember, a chance to compete against the best players while continuing my education. I had worked everyday to try and make that dream come true. Now the drive and determination that had once defined me was a fading memory. I forced myself to believe that quitting was out of my control. I had to do so. I was heart broken.

Sometimes the small, subtle things can make a significant difference in a person’s life. I sat in a waiting room, feeling sorry for myself, blaming a condition for destroying my dream. A baseball game was playing over the television. There was a boy, no older than seven, his head bald from what I can only assume was cancer, mesmerized by the screen. He mimicked the swings and the catches. Finally he turned to his mother, looked up and said, “That’s going to be me one day.” Those simple words of innocent hope stayed with me. Fighting for his life, he dared to dream.

Today the word “heart” takes on a special meaning for me. The hospital ordeals changed me; two open-heart surgeries can do that. A scar marks my chest, hardly discreet, but I wear it like a badge. Heart is a mark of character, an immeasurable quality too often overlooked. It is a fight that occurs deep inside a person, demanding that they tackle every challenge with integrity, determination and resilient passion. Few can embody this way a child fighting for their life can. I am grateful for that hospital and every person I met in there that taught me to fight with my heart.

It has been seven years since that day I choked, but in the end I realized that scholarship, and athletic success I worked towards, only not in soccer. In the pursuit to compete once again I found golf. The game of golf provided a playing field to continue my competitive drive. I was able to take the hard work and preparation I had used to excel in soccer onto a new field. The transition to an individual sport taught me self-discipline and responsibility. On the course you are alone, all weaknesses are emphasized, and through that I have grown to trust my preparation and execute a game plan, all of which are qualities that translate to more than sports. I will enter law school with a passion to excel and challenge myself on a new playing field once again. My experience in sports and the classroom provide the groundwork for success. My heart is what will get me there.

[barkgarry]

Hey! I read your Personal Statement and over all I think it is very good. It's an inspiring personal narrative and I think it will really connect with admissions. I have a some edits/advice:

In P1: "I trained harder than ever...those weeks leading up, any skills I lacked would be made up for..." I think you should change that comma to a semicolon. I'm pretty confident that's a comma splice. On a similar note, I'd split your last sentence in P1 in two: "The biggest day in my soccer career came. I had my opportunity, and I choked." I also think this is a slightly better flow, but that's up to you.

The first sentence of P2: I'd change that first comma into a dash, "I choked in a literal sense - my vision left me..." Has anyone else said that they found this part slightly humorous? You're doing a play on words and a reversal of expectations from that first paragraph. Is that what you're going for? In one sense, I think it's quite effective, but I was expecting something a little bit funnier and then there's a radical shift in the severity of your problem. I'm not saying you should necessarily change it, just curious what you're going for there.
The last sentence of P2: this sentence is a little unclear to me. Do you mean everything that the doctor said to you after was just noise, or life in general? If it's the former, I'd recommend clarifying a bit and maybe using something other than "thereafter". Maybe something like: "Everything the doctor said after that was simply noise."

The first sentence of P6: I'd tweak it a bit. It's a little awkward and unclear right now. Maybe try: "...but in the end I achieved the scholarship and athletic success that I was working towards, only not in soccer." As it stands, I think there are too many commas and I got kind of bogged down in the sentence.
The fifth sentence of P6: I'd split that into three sentences, something like "On the course you are alone. All your weaknesses are emphasized, and through that I have grown to trust my ability to prepare and execute a game plan. These are qualities that translate to more than sports."

Those are just recommendations. You don't need to take them word for word, but my general comment would be that there are many instances where you are either making comma splices, or even when you're not, would be better off breaking things into more sentences for the sake of clarity and better flow. Like I said, a great PS.