Am I going in the right direction? Forum

[Theresa87]

Post removed

[cbbinnyc]

Well, I (and others) can only provide so much feedback, given the inchoate state of this essay.

I think focusing on AmeriCorps has potential, though I don't know about the theme of "expectations". Try to get more personal. Admissions committee member know what AmeriCorps is and they are aware of low expectation and low achievement in rural schools. Talk about some of the specifics of your experience there.

I would scrap the first paragraph, unless you find a better way to integrate the pizza chain story. Right now, it just sounds like you are being dismissive of a general management job (a job many people would kill for) and narrowly tying success directly to salary (which I assume, if you are in AmeriCorps, is not something you believe).

[Theresa87]

The general managers made 500 a week for 50-60 hours of work. Minimal benefits. No room to make much more than that either. So I do have to disagree on how many people would kill for that job. I know some people may view this a decent job though so I will scrap that part of the story and think of something with more impact related to the americorps position. Thank you for the input. I basically wanted to show personal growth because as a college freshman all I was aiming for was a low paying job at a pizza restaurant and now I'm applying for T6 schools

[Theresa87]

You're right in that I don't tie success to salary and I don't want to come across that way

[totesTheGoat]

If I'm an admissions counselor, nothing that you have written tells me why you're a good candidate for law school. It's pretty much a narrative version of a part of your resume with some social commentary attached.

I'd scrap it and restart. Some of the story may be useful, but there are only a handful of sentences that point back to you and tell the reader why you're a good law school candidate.

[Theresa87]

I had a feeling that I should start over. That's basically why I didn't conclude the statement. I stopped and thought "what am I even writing. I hate this."

[Theresa87]

.

[totesTheGoat]

Do you have any thought about the theme itself? Could I use the theme of expectations related to myself and my americorps and just talk more about my own personal accomplishments or do you think I should just use a different theme

Absolutely! I think you have good experiences to write about, but it's not showing up in the essay. I just think you're writing in the wrong style, and it's going to be easier to recover by rewriting from scratch as compared to modifying what you've got.