PS on Activism without sounding so Pro-Subject (Help!) Forum

[PearsonSpecter614]

Hey, all! I've been reading a lot of y'all's statements and I think a lot of them are great and I've been trying to get mine on that caliber. I've read law school essay books and tried gleaning ideas from friends in law school (my pre-law advising at my undergrad was for s**t so I didn't get help there.) I'm stuck as to what else I can say/what I can take out/add without losing my point. I also don't want to seem so pro-Israel in my essay and get across more of how my experiences made me grow as a person and become more of an activist and how I found my passion for what I want to do in law. Long intro, I know, so if anyone could give me even a little advice, I'd appreciate it. Thanks so much in advance!

"I am named after two cousins, one of whom was only ten years old, who were exterminated at Treblinka. When other children were told soothing bedtime stories, my grandmother imparted to us her own stories …of survival during the Holocaust. My grandmother’s stories left an indelible imprint in me. I was only a little girl when I began drinking in her life lessons on tenacity and perseverance in the face of impossible odds and hopelessness. As co-founder and president of my high school’s Hebrew Culture Club, I consistently emphasized the Jewish concept of “tikkun olam” (“repair of the world”), and youth’s responsibility to use our collective voice to promote tolerance, respect, and acceptance of all people. Becoming an active participant in my school’s Model Congress helped to hone my debating and public speaking skills, all of which stood me in good stead when I was appointed Vice President of Educational Programming of Tulane University’s Panhellenic Executive Board, a position in which I helped enlighten women in the Greek community on various subjects, including worldwide philanthropic efforts.

Wanting to become more involved in influencing lives and being an educator on rights and acceptance outside of an academic setting, I applied for and was offered staff position on three Birthright Israel trips in the past year. Birthright is an organization that provides free ten day trips to Israel to Jewish young adults between the ages of 18 and 26 and brings them to see the major sights and cities in Israel, but also educates them on the politics and laws of Israel and the Israeli way of life that are so different from America’s. Due to my high ratings from co-staff and participants, the director of recruitment encouraged me to apply to become a Birthright Fellow; offered by the Birthright Israel organization, the fellow position was offered to a select cadre of experiential Jewish leaders to enhance the Birthright experience and broaden the field of Israel and Jewish education. In May of 2015, I applied and about a month later, I got my acceptance and flew out to the four day conference in Chicago in early September.

I met journalists, writers, professors and directors of programs all aimed towards telling the world what was occurring in Israel politically and addressing laws regarding recent terrorist attacks in Gaza, Jerusalem and the West Bank. It was at this conference that my interest in international law and passion in fighting for human rights laws reached its peak; although I was one of the youngest attendees at the conference and did not have as much of a teaching or work background a majority of the other Fellows had, I had as much impassioned enthusiasm, drive and determination to promote the truth they did. Through the experience I gained from staffing and attending this educational cohort, I learned how to become an educator as well as a purveyor of truth. Much of the world does not know, nor care, about terrorist attacks occurring in Israel, a country founded on the ashes of the six million Jews who were murdered in the most senseless and unlawful way; being a staff member for these Birthright trips, I teach my participants about a land full of persistence and strength and love for justice and peace. My time spent at the Fellows conference whet these skills and the desire in me to work on human rights and fight for justice the Israeli people need.

I was selected to give a short speech on the last night of the conference, in part due to my answers I wrote for my application to the program, and partly due to the ardor and zeal I displayed in the seminars and discussions I attended and was involved in. When I stood up to speak in front of the over two hundred people at the conference on the last night. I spoke of my family background, my cousins who were murdered but now live on through me and my name, my grandparents who survived indescribable horrors in the concentration camps, and my activist journey since I first learned of their history. My voice broke a few times, as I recalled my grandmother weeping over her siblings who perished and my time spent at the Yad Vashem standing in the dark children’s memorial with candles flickering all around me; I blinked back my tears and regained a strong voice when I began to speak about how I wanted to be an advocate for humanitarian laws and human rights laws. My family, along with eleven million others, were murdered while the world was silent. No one spoke for them. Today, I am their voice. Drawn to the effort to develop and promote humanitarian law, I speak them and for other victims of terrorism who have few, if any, international voices pleading for an end to their suffering and fear on their behalf. When I finished, I looked up and saw everyone standing and clapping for me. It was then I realized that my voice and my advocacy could make a difference; if I could reach a room of two hundred with one speech, I knew I could reach thousands with an education in international and humanitarian law and continue to be the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, or who otherwise would be unheard.

A career in law requires one to be driven, passionate, committed and show leadership and initiative in all work they do. I believe my experience with Birthright have led me to embody all of these qualities. I found something I was fervently dedicated to and I followed every path those feelings allowed me to take. I worked arduously to earn my way into a staffing position because I wanted to enlighten and inform others about what I learned about Israel and arouse the same sense of empathy I came to experience. My grandparents were liberated from Bergen-Belsen and Buchenwald concentration camps, respectively. Much of my family was erased from the world when they were in Treblinka by the Nazis. Being an advocate for international human rights law and humanitarian law is something I am extremely passionate about. It is my hope that I can be part of the keeping of peace and keeping justice alive in parts of the world that may not have a many allies in such matters, and my first step towards achieving this goal is to begin my education in law at _______________."

[Mullens]

This is way too long. You should also cut out stuff that's on your resume. If you don't want to sound so pro-Israel, then you probably shouldn't write that you want to go to law school to "work on human rights and fight for justice the Israeli people need" or talk about how zealous you are about israeli activisim.

Edit: Upon more reflection, I think you should try to broaden how your experience with birthright and your background has made you want to become an advocate in international human rights law globally. I would suggest focusing less on Israel and more on how your individual experience created a desire to work in the realm all over the world. I also think you should take out the part about how your speech, it doesn't come across very well.

[totesTheGoat]

I think you have a PS buried somewhere in that essay. I don't feel like I learned very much about you after reading it. I learned a lot about your family and your heritage, and I learned that you're passionate about those things, but I don't know much about you, as a person. Here's what I would do if I were you.. go through each sentence and phrase of your PS and strike it through if it is something included on your resume, or it is something that doesn't directly point to you being a good law school candidate. Then, when you have gotten rid of the fluff, you can fill in some more details to make it flow as a story. Here's an example of what I mean:

I was selected to give a short speech on the last night of the conference, in part due to my answers I wrote for my application to the program, and partly due to the ardor and zeal I displayed in the seminars and discussions I attended and was involved in. When I stood up to speak in front of the over two hundred people at the conference on the last night, I spoke of my family background, my cousins who were murdered but now live on through me and my name, my grandparents who survived indescribable horrors in the concentration camps,and my activist journey since I first learned of their history. My voice broke a few times, as I recalled my grandmother weeping over her siblings who perished and my time spent at the Yad Vashem standing in the dark children’s memorial with candles flickering all around me; I blinked back my tears and regained a strong voice when I began to speak about how I wanted to be an advocate for humanitarian laws and human rights laws. My family, along with eleven million others, were murdered while the world was silent. No one spoke for them. Today, I am their voice. Drawn to the effort to develop and promote humanitarian law, I speak them and for other victims of terrorism who have few, if any, international voices pleading for an end to their suffering and fear on their behalf. When I finished, I looked up and saw everyone standing and clapping for me. It was then I realized that my voice and my advocacy could make a difference; if I could reach a room of two hundred with one speech, I knew I could reach thousands with an education in international and humanitarian law and continue to be the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, or who otherwise would be unheard.

Overall, you need to tone down the floweriness and emotionalism from an 11 to about a 3 or 4. You also need to make sure that every single sentence is pointing to you, and not to the subject of your activism.