please comment - thanks in advance!
note: i removed most identifying info, but left parts about my ethnicity in - do you guys think that'd be worth a diversity statement? my experience in comparison to others of my ethnicity is, imo, not noteworthy (i grew up middle class vs others were struggling immigrants, etc.)
background: 2 years legal asst/paralegal W/E in nonprofit in-house legal team
Service to others is an essential part of being human. It’s easy to do those things which advance or benefit one’s own interests, but there is a great intrinsic joy and a sense of togetherness created when a person works for the good of others. In my life, I’ve been fortunate to know people who exemplify service to others, as well as to have my own opportunities to serve others. As I pursue the next steps of law school and eventually a career practicing law, I hope to always have service to others as a top priority, and to use my education and career path as a means to benefit others. It is evident that service to others is integral to the _____ Law School, and I am excited at the opportunity to pursue this interest and my legal education at an institution like this.
One of the greatest examples of service in my life has been observing and learning from my father, ______. In my hometown of ________, he is respected throughout the greater community and the Hmong community. Undoubtedly, the respect he’s gained has been due to his involvement and service to the community. He has been a law enforcement officer for the ______ Police Department for nearly 20 years, and has also served with various community organizations and our local church.
From a young age, I saw his steadfast dedication to the community. In the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, he was the lone officer who could translate between English and the Hmong and Lao languages. Oftentimes he would get called to assist with translation at all hours of the night after he had already finished his usual shift; never once did I observe him complain. Due to this position, he was also the de facto liaison to the Hmong community for all police-related matters. This usually meant taking calls from parents on our home phone line, meeting in our home with parents of at-risk youth, and other interactions above and beyond his normal duties.
I’ve been profoundly affected by my father’s example, and my own opportunities have taught me much also. Seemingly small things like helping clean up at my church, or spending time with children who don’t have father figures, taught me about myself and what a little of my time can do for others. At church, that was realizing that as part of the church community, I had a role in its upkeep, and I also had a responsibility to spare older people from the physical stresses of cleaning up.
An experience with children at a North Dakota Indian reservation taught me the value of being present for others. Indian reservations are fraught with alcoholism and extreme poverty, and unfortunately this one was no different. During the weeklong mission trip I participated in, we conducted activities for the children, if only for a few hours each day as a respite from their circumstances. Seeing the kids smile and enjoy being just kids was one of my greatest joys there. By the end of the week, my team and I and the children had built connections with each other, and my only hope was that what little time we spent with them would positively impact them going forward.
When my father finished college and first started his career, he was just 25 and already had four young children. Years later, as my siblings and I grew up, he still found the time to help others. I completed my undergraduate degree two years ago at age 23, and at age 25 now, I haven’t even begun the bulk of my life’s work yet. I only hope that five or ten years from now, I’ve made at least some small impact so as to fulfill the example I’ve been given.
At the ______ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help other law students have a fulfilling three years. I also hope to contribute through the clinics and draw upon my work experience to provide high quality legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in ______, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
I want to use my training and position similar to how I’ve seen my father use his to serve the community. Whether it’s helping Hmong organizations navigate complex legal situations, being someone Hmong youth can look up to, or serving with other community organizations, I desire to give back and contribute to whatever communities I am a part of. I am confident the _____ Law School will give me the necessary education and skills to succeed as an attorney, as well as a framework to use my education and skills for the benefit of others.
PS on service to others - please comment Forum
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totesTheGoat
- Posts: 947
- Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:32 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
1) Kill the first paragraph. Your second paragraph is a better intro.
2) Lose the last sentence of the second paragraph... it doesn't add anything to the PS
3) Your third paragraph starts too passively. This is more assertive: "My father's example has inspired me to dedicate my life to services of others, as well. As I have begun to follow my father's lead, my own opportunities have taught me much."
4) Your third paragraph continues to be passive. Nobody cares what you've been taught or what you have realized. They want to see development and action. As an example:
If you take this tone and apply it to your entire PS, it will become a very strong one! Oh, and lose the last paragraph... the second to last is a better conclusion.
2) Lose the last sentence of the second paragraph... it doesn't add anything to the PS
3) Your third paragraph starts too passively. This is more assertive: "My father's example has inspired me to dedicate my life to services of others, as well. As I have begun to follow my father's lead, my own opportunities have taught me much."
4) Your third paragraph continues to be passive. Nobody cares what you've been taught or what you have realized. They want to see development and action. As an example:
As written, this portion really doesn't say anything about why you're a good candidate for law school. However, if edited to become more active, it starts to tell a story:Seemingly small things like helping clean up at my church, or spending time with children who don’t have father figures,taught me about myself and what a little of my time can do for others
Obviously, my edited version is a bit flowery, but the point is the tone of the writing. The edits start to present a flow and development to your story. It's not that your experiences "taught you about yourself," they began a development. You look up to your father, and in the third paragraph, your development began. You started small, but you have a goal, and you're working toward it. That's a much better message than the passive "teaching and realizing" message currently being conveyed.I couldn't start out with the big things that my father does on a regular basis. I started out doing seemingly small things like helping clean up at my church or spending time with children who don’t have father figures. Even these small experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of time to invest. I may have only swept the floors and given up a few hours of free time, but the fire that was lit in my father's soul is lit in mine as well.
If you take this tone and apply it to your entire PS, it will become a very strong one! Oh, and lose the last paragraph... the second to last is a better conclusion.
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tyang
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:25 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
Thanks so much totesTheGoat! I've taken your suggestion to make things more active. also, i see what you're saying about the reference to his years of service, but i've retained it and tried combining it in the first paragraph to make it connect. is it better, or should it be still be removed?
revised draft below...
My father ____ is one of the most influential individuals in my life. His life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether because of serving almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer, or leadership involvement in many organizations, he is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he’s gained has been due to his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. In the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ________. My father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and he was routinely dispatched to assist with translation. Because of his language skills, he was also the liaison to these communities for police matters. My father was always willing to help, even if assistance requests came after completing his normal shift. I vividly remember other instances of extraordinary service, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at inconvenient hours.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I could not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping clean up after church or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only swept the floors and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's soul was lit in mine as well.
When my father completed his undergraduate studies and started his career, he was only 25 years of age and already had four young children. As his career progressed and my siblings and I became more independent, he continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. I completed my undergraduate degree two years ago at age 23, and at age 25, I feel as if I have yet to even begin my life’s work. I only hope that five to ten years from now, I have made an impact on the communities I’m in, much as my father has.
At the ________ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. I also hope to contribute through the clinics and draw upon my work experience to provide high quality legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in ____, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
revised draft below...
My father ____ is one of the most influential individuals in my life. His life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether because of serving almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer, or leadership involvement in many organizations, he is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he’s gained has been due to his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. In the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ________. My father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and he was routinely dispatched to assist with translation. Because of his language skills, he was also the liaison to these communities for police matters. My father was always willing to help, even if assistance requests came after completing his normal shift. I vividly remember other instances of extraordinary service, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at inconvenient hours.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I could not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping clean up after church or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only swept the floors and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's soul was lit in mine as well.
When my father completed his undergraduate studies and started his career, he was only 25 years of age and already had four young children. As his career progressed and my siblings and I became more independent, he continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. I completed my undergraduate degree two years ago at age 23, and at age 25, I feel as if I have yet to even begin my life’s work. I only hope that five to ten years from now, I have made an impact on the communities I’m in, much as my father has.
At the ________ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. I also hope to contribute through the clinics and draw upon my work experience to provide high quality legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in ____, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
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totesTheGoat
- Posts: 947
- Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:32 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
I think the first three paragraphs are better, but the fourth sticks out. You had transitioned from your father to yourself, and now you've transitioned back to your father. I would move the substantive stuff about your father up to the first couple paragraphs, and then just make a reference back to that in the fourth paragraph.
I still think you're missing a punchline. There's no one sentence and paragraph that is solely focused on why you're a good candidate for law school. You've set the tone in the first paragraphs for a powerful climax, but then you skip the climax and go to your conclusion. Once you move some of the information out of the fourth paragraph, use what's left of that paragraph to tell the reader why you are driven to help your community. I want to get the impression that a law degree is the next step in the big plans you have for your community.
I still think you're missing a punchline. There's no one sentence and paragraph that is solely focused on why you're a good candidate for law school. You've set the tone in the first paragraphs for a powerful climax, but then you skip the climax and go to your conclusion. Once you move some of the information out of the fourth paragraph, use what's left of that paragraph to tell the reader why you are driven to help your community. I want to get the impression that a law degree is the next step in the big plans you have for your community.
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tyang
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:25 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
broke down other paragraphs and added some new ones. I think i'm getting real close!
My father, ______, is one of the most influential individuals in my life, and his life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether because he has served almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer or because of his leadership involvement in multiple organizations, my father is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he has gained resulted from his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. In the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ______. Despite just beginning his career, my father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and was routinely dispatched to assist other officers. I vividly remember instances of extraordinary service off work time, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at inconvenient hours.
He is similarly well-regarded throughout the greater community. My father worked the downtown beat often, and made it a priority to get to know business owners and other individuals. To this day, he keeps friendships with many of them and is greeted warmly whenever in the area. If you mention an Officer _______, most citizens would recognize his name.
As his career progressed and as my four siblings and I became more independent, my father continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. Today, he is still active in church leadership, and perhaps more in the Hmong community. The Hmong continue to value communal and elder-based guidance and conflict resolution, so he often mediates disputes, counsels couples, and serves as a negotiator in traditional Hmong wedding ceremonies.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I did not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping clean up after church or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only swept the floors and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's heart was lit in mine as well.
In my current position with __________, I have found satisfying the opportunity to assist our attorneys with helping our organization navigate complex legal and risk management issues. I love the work I do and the service it provides to others, and I want to take the next step in pursuing a legal education.
As we enter our fortieth year in America, I believe it is crucial for second and third generation Hmong individuals to diversify and advance professionally in order to lead the current generation and help the next generation thrive. With a legal education, I will be able to better serve others and the Hmong people. I continue to see my father positively affect the Hmong community, and I desire to do the same. Five to ten years from now, I hope to have made an impact on the communities I encounter, much as my father has.
At the _______ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. I also hope to contribute through the clinics and draw upon my work experience to provide legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in _____, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
My father, ______, is one of the most influential individuals in my life, and his life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether because he has served almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer or because of his leadership involvement in multiple organizations, my father is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he has gained resulted from his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. In the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ______. Despite just beginning his career, my father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and was routinely dispatched to assist other officers. I vividly remember instances of extraordinary service off work time, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at inconvenient hours.
He is similarly well-regarded throughout the greater community. My father worked the downtown beat often, and made it a priority to get to know business owners and other individuals. To this day, he keeps friendships with many of them and is greeted warmly whenever in the area. If you mention an Officer _______, most citizens would recognize his name.
As his career progressed and as my four siblings and I became more independent, my father continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. Today, he is still active in church leadership, and perhaps more in the Hmong community. The Hmong continue to value communal and elder-based guidance and conflict resolution, so he often mediates disputes, counsels couples, and serves as a negotiator in traditional Hmong wedding ceremonies.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I did not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping clean up after church or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only swept the floors and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's heart was lit in mine as well.
In my current position with __________, I have found satisfying the opportunity to assist our attorneys with helping our organization navigate complex legal and risk management issues. I love the work I do and the service it provides to others, and I want to take the next step in pursuing a legal education.
As we enter our fortieth year in America, I believe it is crucial for second and third generation Hmong individuals to diversify and advance professionally in order to lead the current generation and help the next generation thrive. With a legal education, I will be able to better serve others and the Hmong people. I continue to see my father positively affect the Hmong community, and I desire to do the same. Five to ten years from now, I hope to have made an impact on the communities I encounter, much as my father has.
At the _______ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. I also hope to contribute through the clinics and draw upon my work experience to provide legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in _____, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
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tyang
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:25 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
revised some more - condensed my dad's contributions to two paragraphs, and tied in W/E with desire to go to LS
para 6, I'm thinking i need a sentence about how LS will allow me to better serve people?
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My father, _______, is one of the most influential individuals in my life, and his life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether it is due to the fact that he has served almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer or because of his leadership involvement in multiple organizations, my father is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he has gained resulted from his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. Early in his career in the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ______. My father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and was routinely dispatched to assist other officers. I vividly remember instances of extraordinary service off his scheduled working hours, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at times inconvenient. In other police work, he made it a priority to befriend business owners and other individuals beyond just assisting with situations like gas drive-offs or parking violators.
As his career progressed and as my four siblings and I became more independent, my father continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. Today, he is still active in church leadership, and in the Hmong community he often mediates disputes and assists in counseling couples.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I did not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping lead church youth group or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only planned activities and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's heart was lit in mine as well.
In my current position with ________, I find the opportunity to assist our attorneys with helping our organization navigate complex legal and risk management issues extremely satisfying. I love the work I do and the service it provides to others, and I want to take the next step in pursuing a legal education.
With a legal education, I will be able to better serve others and the Hmong people. I continue to see my father positively affect the Hmong community, and I desire to do the same. As we enter our fortieth year in America, I believe it is crucial for second and third generation Hmong-American individuals to diversify and advance professionally in order to lead the current generation and help the next generation thrive. Ten years from now, I hope to have made an impact on the communities I encounter, much as my father has.
At the ______ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. Through the ______ Clinic I want to draw upon my work experience to provide legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in _________, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
para 6, I'm thinking i need a sentence about how LS will allow me to better serve people?
---------
My father, _______, is one of the most influential individuals in my life, and his life and example of service to others has inspired me to dedicate my life to serve others. Whether it is due to the fact that he has served almost 20 years as a law enforcement officer or because of his leadership involvement in multiple organizations, my father is respected throughout the community, particularly the Hmong community, and the respect he has gained resulted from his service to them.
From a young age, I witnessed his steadfast dedication to the community. Early in his career in the late 1990’s into the 2000’s, a wave of gang activity affected Hmong and Southeast Asian youth in the city of ______. My father was the city’s only police officer who could translate between English and the Hmong, Thai, and Lao languages, and was routinely dispatched to assist other officers. I vividly remember instances of extraordinary service off his scheduled working hours, including meeting with parents of at-risk youth at my house or speaking with them at times inconvenient. In other police work, he made it a priority to befriend business owners and other individuals beyond just assisting with situations like gas drive-offs or parking violators.
As his career progressed and as my four siblings and I became more independent, my father continued to find the time to help others, including helping lead a Hmong community organization and serving as an elder at our church. Today, he is still active in church leadership, and in the Hmong community he often mediates disputes and assists in counseling couples.
As I follow my father's example, my own opportunities have helped me grow in service to others. Although I did not start out with substantive responsibilities such as my father’s, I began with seemingly small things like helping lead church youth group or spending time with children from broken homes. These experiences have shown me a glimpse of what I can accomplish for others, even when I only have a small amount of skill or time to invest. I may have only planned activities and given up a few hours of my time, but the passion that was lit in my father's heart was lit in mine as well.
In my current position with ________, I find the opportunity to assist our attorneys with helping our organization navigate complex legal and risk management issues extremely satisfying. I love the work I do and the service it provides to others, and I want to take the next step in pursuing a legal education.
With a legal education, I will be able to better serve others and the Hmong people. I continue to see my father positively affect the Hmong community, and I desire to do the same. As we enter our fortieth year in America, I believe it is crucial for second and third generation Hmong-American individuals to diversify and advance professionally in order to lead the current generation and help the next generation thrive. Ten years from now, I hope to have made an impact on the communities I encounter, much as my father has.
At the ______ Law School, I want to take these experiences and grow even more. I plan to be involved with many student organizations and help fellow law students have a fulfilling three years. Through the ______ Clinic I want to draw upon my work experience to provide legal services to organizations and businesses that might otherwise have difficulty securing these services. I am particularly interested in how I can leverage this clinic to assist Hmong organizations and businesses in _________, as I am not aware of any Hmong-speaking attorneys providing commercial and general legal services here.
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totesTheGoat
- Posts: 947
- Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:32 pm
Re: PS on service to others - please comment
I really like your last revision!
