Super Rough Draft - Constructive Criticism Please? Forum

[Anonymous User]

I am sure you get plenty of personal statements every year that expound on how the writer knew from a very young age that they wanted to be a lawyer and everything they have done in their lives has been working towards that goal. I am sure they talk about their passion for the law and how they want to spend their days fighting tirelessly on behalf of their clients. This is not one of those statements. I did not figure out until recently that I wanted to spend the rest of my life giving a voice to people that needed it most.
I have never been particularly passionate about any one thing. I have, however, been passionate about learning as many different things as I could. I have worked many different types of jobs in many different fields, some I liked and some I did not. However, I have never had a job I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I have always been able to narrow down what I did not want to be when I grew up, it was much easier than figuring out what one thing I wanted to commit to doing for years on end until I retired. I have, at various stages of my life, wanted to be anything from a librarian to a medical examiner. I was absolutely clueless about what career I wanted until I started working as a court clerk.
Up until recently, the majority of my experience with attorneys has come through unrealistic television shows like Law & Order. Now, I spend my days surrounded by legal documents, and I spend a significant amount of time in family court recording hearings and trials. I see every day what attorneys do, and how they do it, and I feel like I can finally imagine myself having a career instead of just a job. Every day, I hear people’s stories and see them try to navigate the court system, so I see first hand the lack of access to affordable legal representation and how that affects the outcome of people’s lives.
The barriers to legal representation are high in my area. The average family law attorney charges $250 an hour, and the court approved rate for a guardian ad litem is $150 an hour. I regularly hear stories from people who have contacted legal aid, but they have run out of funding.
People try to proceed pro se, but if the other side has the ability to retain counsel, how fair can that possibly be? The Family Court Commissioners in my county are very lenient with the pro se litigants, however the power balance is still skewed in favor of the represented litigant. It is difficult for me, because many of the questions that I am regularly asked I could answer, but I cannot provide it because it would be considered giving legal advice. So, at a time in their lives when they are the most vulnerable and afraid, some people are left completely alone to try to preserve their rights. I know first hand how scary this can be.
I have only once in my life needed a lawyer; in July of 2008 when my dad died. To make a very long story short, I lived 1,400 miles away and my step-mother was going to contest the will. At the time my dad died, I was still grieving over my mom: she had died a month earlier. My nerves were fried and I could not focus, let alone guide myself through the maze that was probate. In addition, I would have to do all of the work on the estate from half a country away. I needed help, so I found a lawyer; his name was Larry King.
It was the best decision I could have made. I was out of my depth and had no idea what I was doing. My step-mother was doing the best she could to squander the assets remaining in the estate and I had no clue what to do. Hiring Mr. King put a stop to that. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders; I had so much less to worry about, but my relief didn’t come cheap. His retainer was $6,000 and had I not had my husband’s help, I could never have paid that. I have now seen first hand the difference that representation can make, both in court and for the litigant’s morale.
In all the court proceedings I’ve seen since I started work as a clerk, the cases regarding children have stuck with me the most. Family court proceedings are most difficult on the children. I have seen parties get so angry with their estranged spouses that they sometimes cut off all contact between the children and that spouse just to spite them. I have seen one party make up lies about the other party to attempt to gain sole legal and physical custody of the kids. I have heard our judges give the same speech repeatedly; just because the other parent does not have anything you want anymore does not mean that they cannot be a good parent to the children you had together. The children really are the most vulnerable parties in any court proceeding and I feel they have the most need for representation to be sure their interests are protected.
The more court proceedings I attend in the course of my work, the more sure I am about my decision. I want to be an advocate, especially for kids in court. Seeing the kids suffer is the hardest part for me and so much of the time they are the ones that suffer most in hotly contested cases. This is the main reason why I want to be a lawyer; I want to provide a voice to the most vulnerable, the children. I have spent years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I cannot think of anything I would rather do for the rest of my life.

[totesTheGoat]

I am sure you get plenty of personal statements every year that expound on how the writer knew from a very young age that they wanted to be a lawyer and everything they have done in their lives has been working towards that goal. I am sure they talk about their passion for the law and how they want to spend their days fighting tirelessly on behalf of their clients. This is not one of those statements. I did not figure out until recently that I wanted to spend the rest of my life giving a voice to people that needed it most.

Don't break the 4th wall!! It comes off as informal. Delete the first paragraph. The second paragraph is a better intro, anyway.

his name was Larry King.

Strike the name from the entire PS. This PS is about you, not Larry King. When removing the name, make sure those sentences that you're already editing are pointing towards you, not towards describing a scene.

I have spent years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I cannot think of anything I would rather do for the rest of my life.

A little bit wordy, but this is the crux and the climax of the PS. However, we don't get there until the last sentence.


Overall Impressions:

Your second paragraph is the best of all of them. However, your concluding sentence of the second paragraph gives the wrong impression that your PS is about you being a court clerk. Instead, your PS is about how a run-in with the legal system spurred an interest in law that has manifested itself through you becoming a court clerk. Keep the focus on your run-in with the legal system at first, and then when you talk about the personal development/change you went through you can bring your court clerk job in. That will make it flow better, because it will go from "unfocused with no specific passion" to "had a run-in with the legal system and was inspired by the work of a lawyer" to "followed my inspiration into a court clerk job" to "the next logical step to following my passion is going to law school."

To rephrase what I said above, when proofreading and critiquing your PS, keep an eye on the focus of the sentences you're reading. Make sure each sentence is either pointing to why you're a good law school candidate, or is at least an absolutely necessary portion of the backstory that helps point to you. Anything else is fluff, and needs pruned.

You have a good story, but you need to make sure it's told in the right order and from the right point of view so that the reader can go with the flow, and the flow takes the reader to the conclusion that you're a good addition to their law school.

[sjp200]

I am sure you get plenty of personal statements every year that expound on how the writer knew from a very young age that they wanted to be a lawyer and everything they have done in their lives has been working towards that goal. I am sure they talk about their passion for the law and how they want to spend their days fighting tirelessly on behalf of their clients. This is not one of those statements. I did not figure out until recently that I wanted to spend the rest of my life giving a voice to people that needed it most.

This is negative framing and makes it sound like you are different in an unfavorable way. I'd say scrap it and go with something more focused on you, not on what they have already read from others

I have never been particularly passionate about any one thing. I have, however, been passionate about learning as many different things as I could. I have worked many different types of jobs in many different fields, some I liked and some I did not. However, I have never had a job I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I have always been able to narrow down what I did not want to be when I grew up, it was much easier than figuring out what one thing I wanted to commit to doing for years on end until I retired. I have, at various stages of my life, wanted to be anything from a librarian to a medical examiner. I was absolutely clueless about what career I wanted until I started working as a court clerk.

Again, this negatively frames your character. It almost makes you sound like a "thrill seeker" ready to move on to the next best thing. Law schools don't want to have to wonder if law school is just another passing phrase. This is actually why your comment on the first paragraph is so prevalent in so many statements.

Up until recently, the majority of my experience with attorneys has come through unrealistic television shows like Law & Order. Now, I spend my days surrounded by legal documents, and I spend a significant amount of time in family court recording hearings and trials. I see every day what attorneys do, and how they do it, and I feel like I can finally imagine myself having a career instead of just a job. Every day, I hear people’s stories and see them try to navigate the court system, so I see first hand the lack of access to affordable legal representation and how that affects the outcome of people’s lives.

Go into more detail about your experiences. This is a lot of telling, not showing

The barriers to legal representation are high in my area. The average family law attorney charges $250 an hour, and the court approved rate for a guardian ad litem is $150 an hour. I regularly hear stories from people who have contacted legal aid, but they have run out of funding.
People try to proceed pro se, but if the other side has the ability to retain counsel, how fair can that possibly be? The Family Court Commissioners in my county are very lenient with the pro se litigants, however the power balance is still skewed in favor of the represented litigant. It is difficult for me, because many of the questions that I am regularly asked I could answer, but I cannot provide it because it would be considered giving legal advice. So, at a time in their lives when they are the most vulnerable and afraid, some people are left completely alone to try to preserve their rights. I know first hand how scary this can be.

Too much background, not enough about you. Remember, background is to set up your story, and it's getting too long to get there where they haven't learned anything about you through story yet and you're almost half way done

I have only once in my life needed a lawyer; in July of 2008 when my dad died. To make a very long story short,

Too informal

I lived 1,400 miles away and my step-mother was going to contest the will. At the time my dad died, I was still grieving over my mom: she had died a month earlier. My nerves were fried and I could not focus, let alone guide myself through the maze that was probate. In addition, I would have to do all of the work on the estate from half a country away. I needed help, so I found a lawyer; his name was Larry King. It was the best decision I could have made.

This may be a better start, I feel like this is where I start to hear YOUR story

I was out of my depth and had no idea what I was doing. My step-mother was doing the best she could to squander the assets remaining in the estate and I had no clue what to do. Hiring Mr. King put a stop to that. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders; I had so much less to worry about, but my relief didn’t come cheap. His retainer was $6,000 and had I not had my husband’s help, I could never have paid that. I have now seen first hand the difference that representation can make, both in court and for the litigant’s morale.
In all the court proceedings I’ve seen since I started work as a clerk, the cases regarding children have stuck with me the most. Family court proceedings are most difficult on the children. I have seen parties get so angry with their estranged spouses that they sometimes cut off all contact between the children and that spouse just to spite them. I have seen one party make up lies about the other party to attempt to gain sole legal and physical custody of the kids. I have heard our judges give the same speech repeatedly; just because the other parent does not have anything you want anymore does not mean that they cannot be a good parent to the children you had together. The children really are the most vulnerable parties in any court proceeding and I feel they have the most need for representation to be sure their interests are protected.
The more court proceedings I attend in the course of my work, the more sure I am about my decision. I want to be an advocate, especially for kids in court. Seeing the kids suffer is the hardest part for me and so much of the time they are the ones that suffer most in hotly contested cases. This is the main reason why I want to be a lawyer; I want to provide a voice to the most vulnerable, the children. I have spent years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I cannot think of anything I would rather do for the rest of my life.

You really only get one pull at the heartstrings IMO, and a stronger version is your own story, not the lives you hope to one day affect. I would tone down the sympathy and make it more of an objective focus.

Overall, I'd say this has potential but is just not focused enough on you. Keep at it, and make it read more like a logical sequence of events. I