Please tell me your thoughts Forum

[sglassman]

deleted.

[Alive97]

With my likely incomplete knowledge of personal statements I would grade it as neutral. The reason being it doesn't say an incredible amount about you and your qualities. In cases where your numbers are borderline, all else being equal, I would not expect it to give you an edge or disqualify you. But I am just speculating.

[totesTheGoat]

Caveat: I haven't really reviewed a PS before this, so take what I say worth a grain of salt.

I think your first paragraph needs to be scrapped. I actually think your second paragraph makes a better intro hook than your first paragraph.

Stuff like the quote below don't build the suspense that you think they do. It really just feels like you're playing "hide the ball" with your story.

Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around, and was met with the
warm smile of the project organizer. “Sam, this is Devon.” I looked down to see a kid as nervous
as I was, and my fears quickly subsided.

Write more about you, and less about Devon. You have a great start on Devon's PS, but the message you're portraying about yourself is "poor people have interesting lives, oh and I met a poor person once. It was scary at first."

Focus less on the initial meeting and more on the challenges you faced in being able to adequately tutor Devon. Focus on the fact that you had to find a way to get through to Devon and keep credibility before you could even really start to tutor him. Focus on the results, the changes in you because you were in the tutoring program. Then, from there, transition to the fact that law school is a springboard to you helping people like Devon to receive a helping hand. You've seen and dealt with the immensity of the problem, and now you're on a mission to be part of the solution.

There are good pieces in your PS, but I think you need to make sure that every sentence and every paragraph points back to why you're a good law school candidate.

[sglassman]

Caveat: I haven't really reviewed a PS before this, so take what I say worth a grain of salt.

I think your first paragraph needs to be scrapped. I actually think your second paragraph makes a better intro hook than your first paragraph.

Stuff like the quote below don't build the suspense that you think they do. It really just feels like you're playing "hide the ball" with your story.

Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around, and was met with the
warm smile of the project organizer. “Sam, this is Devon.” I looked down to see a kid as nervous
as I was, and my fears quickly subsided.

Write more about you, and less about Devon. You have a great start on Devon's PS, but the message you're portraying about yourself is "poor people have interesting lives, oh and I met a poor person once. It was scary at first."

Focus less on the initial meeting and more on the challenges you faced in being able to adequately tutor Devon. Focus on the fact that you had to find a way to get through to Devon and keep credibility before you could even really start to tutor him. Focus on the results, the changes in you because you were in the tutoring program. Then, from there, transition to the fact that law school is a springboard to you helping people like Devon to receive a helping hand. You've seen and dealt with the immensity of the problem, and now you're on a mission to be part of the solution.

There are good pieces in your PS, but I think you need to make sure that every sentence and every paragraph points back to why you're a good law school candidate.

Wow. These are right-on.Wish I didn't already apply to several schools with this one.....

[PeterGibbons90]

The good news is it's well-written, but I agree with the above poster. You're not really telling me anything you did for Devin. In fact, you're almost dismissing the tutoring experience as insufficient to actually help Devon and then I'm left wondering what you actually DID to help Devin.

[sglassman]

The good news is it's well-written, but I agree with the above poster. You're not really telling me anything you did for Devin. In fact, you're almost dismissing the tutoring experience as insufficient to actually help Devon and then I'm left wondering what you actually DID to help Devin.

Yea that was my fear. Oh well there's always next year