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Anonymous User
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Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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tigersunite
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 3:56 am
Re: Round 2... Help needed!
I think it's going in a good direction. You do switch tenses after the first two sentences. I would leave the whole first paragraph in past tense just to make it easier. Also, I think you should capitalize "City" in Jersey City.
In the second paragraph, I would take out the tell-not-show sentence about concealing aspects of yourself. It's more powerful when you go into detail about concealing those aspects in the next two sentences. It might be good to use the extra room to put in another specific example of how you tried to fit in or belong.
Is it possible to put in a 2-3 sentence anecdote at the beginning of the third paragraph that would represent a turning point in your view of your ethnicity? Such as "But when I got to college, I finally met other African-American women and learned from our friendships that there is nothing shameful in who I am..." My example is too vague but perhaps you can think of a real past experience to use.
ETA: There is also an error in the second sentence, second paragraph. There shouldn't be a comma after "So it came no surprise to me...." And there should be an "as" between "came" and "no."
In the second paragraph, I would take out the tell-not-show sentence about concealing aspects of yourself. It's more powerful when you go into detail about concealing those aspects in the next two sentences. It might be good to use the extra room to put in another specific example of how you tried to fit in or belong.
Is it possible to put in a 2-3 sentence anecdote at the beginning of the third paragraph that would represent a turning point in your view of your ethnicity? Such as "But when I got to college, I finally met other African-American women and learned from our friendships that there is nothing shameful in who I am..." My example is too vague but perhaps you can think of a real past experience to use.
ETA: There is also an error in the second sentence, second paragraph. There shouldn't be a comma after "So it came no surprise to me...." And there should be an "as" between "came" and "no."
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 432502
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Round 2... Help needed!
Thank you for this!!!tigersunite wrote:I think it's going in a good direction. You do switch tenses after the first two sentences. I would leave the whole first paragraph in past tense just to make it easier. Also, I think you should capitalize "City" in Jersey City.
In the second paragraph, I would take out the tell-not-show sentence about concealing aspects of yourself. It's more powerful when you go into detail about concealing those aspects in the next two sentences. It might be good to use the extra room to put in another specific example of how you tried to fit in or belong.
Is it possible to put in a 2-3 sentence anecdote at the beginning of the third paragraph that would represent a turning point in your view of your ethnicity? Such as "But when I got to college, I finally met other African-American women and learned from our friendships that there is nothing shameful in who I am..." My example is too vague but perhaps you can think of a real past experience to use.
ETA: There is also an error in the second sentence, second paragraph. There shouldn't be a comma after "So it came no surprise to me...." And there should be an "as" between "came" and "no."
