Second Draft...Help Me Out! Forum

[Anonymous User]

My general critiques of my own writing is that: 1) Starts out too slow 2) I think it answers the "Why law" question but not sure if I hit the nail on the head 3) Feel like I'm missing something but can't put my finger on it....?

Anything that's bolded is something that I think needs editing.

Be as hard as you want. It can only help me in the long run.

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It’s six in the morning. My alarm beeps. It’s another morning, another sandwich packed, another day at the office. I will go through another pair of scrubs, and I will watch the dentist drill into gums and glue braces onto patients’ teeth. The dentist’s job is to make the patient’s feel more confident in their looks and create “the perfect smile”. My job as dental mentee/observer is more perfunctory, and dull--generally, I clean the equipment and stare into people’s mouths as the dentist performs the procedures.

I have always been a person that craves routine, and so one would imagine this job would fit my personality. However, only a few weeks, I could not see myself keeping up a dentist’s routine for the rest of my working days. I was bored not only with the internship, but with my pre-dental academic courses. My inherent willingness to persevere, to finish what I start, had kept me on track for my first two full semesters. But my growing unhappiness was now manifesting itself in my personal life as well as in my schoolwork. My original interest in dentistry was spent, though I couldn't pinpoint a reason for this (besides boredom) at the time.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I decided to make a clean break from my pre-dental track. I declared Psychology my major and English my minor. The following summer, I wrangled an internship at XXX firm, and started a very different routine. I started with the usual clerical tasks, of course, but then I was asked to do something that, for me, was far from routine.

I was asked to organize evidence for an upcoming trial. The file, which consisted of two full boxes, was filled with hundreds of medical reports, demands for discovery and responses to discovery, and correspondence that had to be sorted. Among the records and other miscellaneous papers was an autopsy report and accompanying photograph of a young, preteen boy lying motionless on a cold, metal table. It was evident that he would not be able to enjoy the life events that we take for granted, such as receiving an education, or the small things that we see as routine, such as getting up in the morning to go to work. I realized that my contribution to this case, no matter how minimal, gave me the opportunity to truly help his family, to get them compensation and closure after an accident. It seemed a lot more important than blankly staring at a client in a dental chair complaining about the pain from a novocaine needle. And, soon I was making other contributions, assisting my boss at trial. further learning valuable lessons about the craft of litigation and the subtleties of the law.

Now when my alarm beeps at six in the morning for work, I continue to pack my sandwich for lunch, and I do go to the office, but I know that the routine that day may involve situations not very routine at all, and that I am working to help people more than cosmetically.

[CanadianWolf]

I don't intend to be unduly harsh, but you wrote a PS about boredom & you succeeded, unfortunately.

Consider another topic/theme.

[Anonymous User]

CanadianWolf, no harshness taken. I thought it was boring but I didn't know if it was just me being overly critical of my writing.

I'm thinking maybe extending the story from work in the middle of my PS to answer the "Why law" question. The thing is that my internship at the office really sparked my interest in law and made me want to pursue it. Just have to find the right story.

[Anonymous User]

Does anyone have any advice about how to pick a good PS topic? I'm at a loss. I'm just not an interesting person lol and I've been very lucky to have a life that didn't involve any hardship or anything too out of the ordinary.

[CanadianWolf]

You should delete the bolded sentence at the end of the second paragraph.

The problem with your writing is that you share ordinary observations rather than offering insights into who you are & how you became that way.

The positive notes are that you write in a clear & concise manner and you stay on topic.

[Anonymous User]

Ok, you're right about that sentence. I knew it sounded funky.

And I see what you mean about the insight. I compared my PS to some other ones online and what is missing from the beginning is more insight into my change of paths. Mine is pretty superficial and unoriginal, and I can change that. Thanks for helping me figure that out. I think that's the "thing" that was missing.