Someone Please read over my PS for me, any advice will help!!! Thanks!! Forum

[Anonymous User]

This is my third draft, I had 2 writing center tutor read over it before. We cut the length from 4 and half page to this, but is still 2 and 3/4 page in Time New roman double space. Trying to cut it down to 2 since most law school prefer that length. And any other advice is welcomed!!!! Thank you so much for your time !!!

For the first 14 years of my life in China, I was well protected by my parents. Since the day I was born, I had a full time babysitters by my side almost every minute of my day, the school I went to is around the corner from our house, and the teachers gave me special treatment because we were neighbors. That ended when my parents decided to ship me to the best elementary school in the city, a boarding school full of the children of the rich and powerful. I was six year old. The next eight years were pretty much routine : take the school bus every Sunday to school, take the school bus home every Friday afternoon.
Life was boring, but also organized and planned out. I knew where I would be going to middle school, high school and college, I knew what I would be studying, where and who I would be working for, what would happen in the next 20 years. My parents made sure I had everything I needed, and I was happy.
I thought the world supposed to work that way.
The turning point of my life was the end of my freshman year in high school. An American exchange student program came to recruit on campus. For someone who lived on the same campus for the previous eight years, I took that chance. I wanted to see the rest of the world. The plan was to return after a year with better English skills. However, life was never the same after I stepped my foot in a homeless shelter, the year I was 15.
It was a Sunday. I went to the homeless shelter with my church group for evening service. For the first time, I saw a different world than mine. There were drunk people outside, people eating left overs in the hall, and kids crying everywhere. I was shocked and scared. The pastor noticed my reaction and asked me to go help with the kids. That was where I met Michael, who in the end changed my life.
Michael was six years old when I met him. His parents were both living in the shelter at the time I started to volunteer. Even until this day I remember the first time I saw his face. Michael had the biggest eyes I had ever seen, the second I walked into the room, he smiled at me like an angel. After a while, I become nest friends with the little guy. Workers at the shelter told me that Michael had a little sister, and that they didn't go to school. He was usually antisocial, and everyone was surprised he actually liked to talk to me.
For the following months, I went to that shelter every week with the church group just so I could see him. I would read books to him, play Legos with him, tell him all kinds of stories about myself while in elementary school. I bought him a transformer toy for his birthday. He jumped up and kissed me twice on the cheeks.
Before the Thanksgiving break, our church hosted an event that gathered everyone together. I remember Michael ran toward me with a cookie he got from other and handed it to me. Before I said anything, I heard a voice behind me that said: “Michael never shared anything before ."
That was the day I met Michael's father. We talked for the whole evening. He kept talking about how much Michael had changed after he met me. I kept saying how smart Michael was and how great he would be if he could be in school.
I never saw Michael and his family again after that day. When I returned to the shelter after the break, I was told that Michael's parents finally decided to get jobs, and they moved out of the shelter couple days ago. One of the workers told me before they left, Michael's parents talked about letting the kids go to school. Michael took the transformer with him and told the workers to let me know that he loved me.
Ever after that day, I dedicated myself to child service and education. Over the years, I sponsored multiple children for their education around the world; I volunteered for Big Brother Big Sister of America, at children’s shelters, for politicians who supported child welfare and for those who try to pass bills in order to help disadvantaged children.
To me, children are the most innocent beings in the world. All of them deserves a happy childhood, and every one of them should be provided with a chance to a good life just like my parents provided for me.
My experience with children from low-status family backgrounds taught me that every child is smart in their own way, and that every parent wants the best for their child. Sometimes what people need is someone to give them a push, lead the parents to the right path of parenting and help the child to earn a chance to the bright future. I believe law school will teach me the tools to continue working with disadvantaged children and their families. I hope in the future there will be more children living the lives they have dreamed because of me and my hard work.

[lymenheimer]

Are you at an English-speaking university where the writing center tutors are native English-speakers? If so, they deserve to be fired. There are many misuses of phrases (moreso misspellings that seem common with non-native speakers) and your paragraph structure appears incongruent with common writing (it looks like you have a number of paragraphs with only 2 or 3 sentences). These are things that English writing tutors should be able to catch. That being said, I like your story. If you want to cut it down, you can remove some of the intro stuff. You seem to want to focus on Michael and how you affected each other. You can easily summarize your upbringing in a fairly well-off family without completely eliminating the comparative nature of you and Michael's lives. That will help cut down some of the length.

[Anonymous User]

Are you at an English-speaking university where the writing center tutors are native English-speakers? If so, they deserve to be fired. There are many misuses of phrases (moreso misspellings that seem common with non-native speakers) and your paragraph structure appears incongruent with common writing (it looks like you have a number of paragraphs with only 2 or 3 sentences). These are things that English writing tutors should be able to catch. That being said, I like your story. If you want to cut it down, you can remove some of the intro stuff. You seem to want to focus on Michael and how you affected each other. You can easily summarize your upbringing in a fairly well-off family without completely eliminating the comparative nature of you and Michael's lives. That will help cut down some of the length.

Yeah I am studying in a U.S university. The tutors said they have already fixed all the grammar errors, I guess I have to go back and let them fix it again.

[CanadianWolf]

Which university ?

I counted 16 obvious errors after a quick read.

[Anonymous User]

Which university ?

I counted 16 obvious errors after a quick read.

UIowa.

Also can u mark them out for me please if you have the time? I really want this PS to be good.

Thanks

[Kermit Fingers]

You wouldn't happen to be studying at Iowa Law would you???

[CanadianWolf]

For example, it's either " a full time babysitter" or , if plural, then delete the word "a" before "full time babysitters". Also, "full time" is usually hyphenated, although either way is acceptable.

"almost every minute of the day", rather than "my day".

"I was six years old."

"where and for whom I would be working"

"I thought that the world was supposed to work that way."

"An American student exchange program..."

"best friends", not "nest friends".

The paragraph (second from last paragraph) that starts with "Ever after that day..." is awkward & has multiple errors. For example, "deserve", not "deserves". "...with a chance for a good life..." "Ever since that day..." is better than "Ever after that day...".

"I read books to him, played Legos with him, and told him..."

"a cookie he got from another..."

"moved out of the shelter a couple of days ago."

"what people need is for someone..."

"...earn a chance for a bright future"

"I believe that law school will equip me with the tools..."

"...living the lives that they have dreamed of..." or "...living the lives of which they have dreamed..."

There are a few other areas that need correction, but you should make these corrections first before seeking additional editing.

Good luck to you in the admissions process. I hope that these edits help.

[Anonymous User]

You wouldn't happen to be studying at Iowa Law would you???

Nah I m a undergrad.

[Anonymous User]

For example, it's either " a full time babysitter" or , if plural, then delete the word "a" before "full time babysitters". Also, "full time" is usually hyphenated, although either way is acceptable.

"almost every minute of the day", rather than "my day".

"I was six years old."

"where and for whom I would be working"

"I thought that the world was supposed to work that way."

"An American student exchange program..."

"best friends", not "nest friends".

The paragraph (second from last paragraph) that starts with "Ever after that day..." is awkward & has multiple errors. For example, "deserve", not "deserves". "...with a chance for a good life..." "Ever since that day..." is better than "Ever after that day...".

"I read books to him, played Legos with him, and told him..."

"a cookie he got from another..."

"moved out of the shelter a couple of days ago."

"what people need is for someone..."

"...earn a chance for a bright future"

"I believe that law school will equip me with the tools..."

"...living the lives that they have dreamed of..." or "...living the lives of which they have dreamed..."

There are a few other areas that need correction, but you should make these corrections first before seeking additional editing.

Good luck to you in the admissions process. I hope that these edits help.

Hey thank you so much! I will fix those, just to proofread couple times more and go get some help again!

[Kermit Fingers]

.

[Anonymous User]

You wouldn't happen to be studying at Iowa Law would you???

Nah I m a undergrad.

I am a Iowa law student. Just thought if you were nearby I could help you, but finals are coming around here so I will be really busy soon.

When is your final? I will not apply to any school before the Feb LSAT, do you have time after Christmas break?

[Kermit Fingers]

You wouldn't happen to be studying at Iowa Law would you???

Nah I m a undergrad.

I am a Iowa law student. Just thought if you were nearby I could help you, but finals are coming around here so I will be really busy soon.

When is your final? I will not apply to any school before the Feb LSAT, do you have time after Christmas break?

Finals start in December and unfortunately I will be going home over winter break. However, since you won't be applying until Feb I may have time next semester to help you out.

[Kermit Fingers]

.

[Kermit Fingers]

.