Help Me Trim/Edit My PS Forum

barkgarry · Post by **barkgarry** » Fri Oct 30, 2015 6:09 pm

Hi, I got some helpful advice for an earlier PS that I wrote, and decided to write something else to see if it worked better than what I had before. I think this one is a bit too long, and I'm worried it's not focused enough. Please give me any critiques/advice/opinions on it so far. Thanks!

Personal Statement

In May 2015, with my tenure as President of the (student group) coming to a close, I was sitting in my office at the Students’ Society of McGill University typing out an exit report for the person elected to replace me. I had been an executive of the (student group) since my freshman year, and it formed the bulk of my extracurricular activity at McGill. Writing this document intended to sum up four years of experiences caused a lot of personal reflection. It brought into focus how the (student group) shaped my time at McGill as well as what I wanted in my future. My work with the (student group) fueled my interest in law school.

When I joined the six-person executive team of the (student group), it was a club that had existed for less than a year, had a tiny budget, and even fewer members. This lack in numbers was compensated with ambition. There was no student organization on campus dedicated to fostering the musical community, providing info, contacts, and space for musicians at McGill. We had three main objectives at the beginning – to get more funding, to secure a jam room, and to spread the word. As VP Communications, that third goal was primarily my job. I wrote newsletters, I promoted events; I would even strike up a conversation with anyone I saw on campus carrying an instrument. By fall 2012, our club had grown to around 400 members, which was extremely rare for a student organization just over a year old. On the heels of our explosive growth, we decided to petition the Students’ Society to become a student service.

The Students’ Society supported to types of organizations – clubs and services. Clubs catered to specific interests, and typically had modest funding and a smaller group of members. Services, on the other hand, had no membership and functioned to provide some kind of non-exclusive service to all students at McGill. They were also much better funded than clubs. It was also in 2012 that we convinced the Students’ Society that we qualified as a service because the (student group) would provide an instrument bank and jam space for any student to use. The (student group)'s service status was granted and we received a few thousand dollars in funding as well as a dingy but spacious room in the sub-basement of the student building to be our jam space.

The jam room brought all kinds of legal considerations with it over the next few years. For starters, if there were going to be lots of students using the space and the instruments in it, there needed to be some policies in place to prevent our equipment from being damaged. I helped to devise terms of use that required those who booked the jam room to assume liability for damage done to instruments, and to promise to request assistance from an executive for any piece of equipment that they weren’t sure how to use. However, there was a huge grey area – instruments suffer wear and tear. Based on the sheer number of students using our drum set, for example, the kit would naturally and inevitably be damaged. What we actually wanted was to prevent abuse of our equipment, not to punish someone for picking the wrong day to practice drums.

This led to a long discussion about what actually constituted “abuse” of our instruments, as well as how to prove and prevent it. We talked about definitions and also about the prospects of installing a security camera. I was opposed to a camera, as I felt that there were so few incidents that constant surveillance flew in the face of the trust that the vast majority of students who used the room and instruments had earned. I realized how many parallels this issue had with the law – how to identify crimes, and what actions to prevent them are justified? Questions of liability also came up later on when a massive metal vent began to detach from the ceiling. The Students’ Society had assigned us the room, but technically the sub-basement where it was located fully belonged to the university since the Students’ Society lease only extended to the main basement.

Throughout my time with the (student group), I found myself confronted with instances that either paralleled the law or directly intersected with it. I found it all some of the most interesting aspects of working for a student service. There were many occasions in which all clubs and services had to modify how they operated because the Students’ Society – a non-profit corporation under Quebec law – was subject to rules and regulations that could be updated or reinterpreted. While this caused a lot of people to groan, I was usually more fascinated. I want to go to law school to learn more about how laws work and how they apply to the operations and obligations of businesses and other organizations.

oreomilkshake · Post by **oreomilkshake** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:16 am

deleted.

mornincounselor · Post by **mornincounselor** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 2:26 am

Post removed.

barkgarry · Post by **barkgarry** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 11:01 am

oreomilkshake wrote:Just personally I like the other one better... I thought it was more interesting and vibed with me more (but I am biased). Idk it seemed like the way you wrote the other one you just cared about what you were writing about more. Maybe you could use the same topic but analyze differently? Like focus less on this is exactly why I want to go to law school and more on this experience taught me to question assumptions, personal growth/perspective etc. I didn't think this one was the worst ever... I'm kind of not understanding why in both statements you feel the need to be like this is how I have already encountered the law and this is the role it's played in my life like it feels forced and I just don't get why it's in there.

Hopefully someone who has more experience evaluating these things will chime in...

Hey, thanks for the reply. So you mean use the topic of learning Middle East history but analyze it differently?

From what I've read on this website, it seems important to highlight your motivation for attending law school, at least to some extent. So I try to work that into my PS. Do you think there's simply too much of it, or that I basically shouldn't even talk about it at all?

barkgarry · Post by **barkgarry** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 11:08 am

mornincounselor wrote:
Seems to be a restatement of your resume.

You don't have to talk about every task the student group did, just talk about what you did. what you learned. etc.

The parallels you make to the law don't seem quite on point.

I hate this sentence: " I found it all some of the most interesting aspects of working for a student service"

The ending seems forced too (but this is something I also have trouble with also, so I can't fault/help you (/much) there)

Thanks for catching that typo. I see where you're coming from on it being a restatement of my resume, but I guess I'm trying to go more for an elaboration of my resume. Like, my resume will basically just say "I was a part of this group and had these positions," whereas in my PS I would want to detail some things that I actually did and how it impacted me. I did wrap it up super quickly because I was concerned about its length.

The parallels to law might not be quite there, but I guess what I really want to indicate is that I made a connection between those experiences and the law/what it would be like to practice the law. Would it be better phrased along those lines, or is it still a non-starter? You really didn't seem to like it, which is fine. My question is, do you think it's salvageable?

oreomilkshake · Post by **oreomilkshake** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:21 pm

deleted.

barkgarry · Post by **barkgarry** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:27 pm

oreomilkshake wrote: I don't think what you said in this PS really addressed that - like mornincounselor said, they're awkward parallels to the law, not so much your interest in a legal education. Of course it's fine to address why you want to go to law school - I think there's too much of "this is how I have already encountered something that mimics a legal situation".

Hmm yeah I see what you are saying. I'll see what I can do about that. If it's not too much trouble, do you have any recommendations for my other PS? I didn't know you read it.

oreomilkshake · Post by **oreomilkshake** » Sat Oct 31, 2015 1:42 pm

deleted.