Rough PS Draft 1 // Looking for Critique // Thanks Forum

[Anonymous User]

Very rough draft. Aware there are grammatical errors. Mainly focused on content/flow atm. Thank you in advance!!
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Fifteen months ago, I was sitting at my intern desk in Sacramento, CA reviewing a support letter I had drafted for my supervisor. On this particular day, my supervisor had asked me to draft a letter acknowledging our company’s support for Assembly Bill [Redacted], which would increase California’s investment in low-income housing by $300 million and leverage an additional $600 million in federal housing resources, that would otherwise go unclaimed. The end goal of the policy steps proposed in Assembly Bill [Redacted] was to create thousands of new affordable homes and well-paying jobs, and the support letter directly explained how the bill would respond to California’s shortfall of affordable homes as well as requesting the recipient’s full support. Upon my supervisor’s approval, the letter was sent to Senator [Redacted] who, ultimately voted in favor of AB [Redacted].

Seven months earlier, I was based in Los Angeles working with a company focused on developing and branding music artists. I had met Matthew in 2009 when I held a digital marketing position at my first employer’s company. At the time, we were both employees and our mutual interest in hip-hop music fostered a collaborative relationship. Since then, we have remained closely in touch, which ultimately led Matthew to ask me to join his newly launched start-up. The main agenda of the company was to creatively direct and consult our biggest artist client yet: [Redacted], a rock band from [Redacted], California. [Redacted] initially garnered mass attention through their breakout single entitled, “[Redacted]”, which amassed millions of views on various media platforms, with YouTube at the forefront (90+ Million Views). Together, we helped manage the band’s public identity by strategizing and executing marketing campaigns, directing and supervising photo/music-video shoots, and producing [Redacted] branded events, all of which were approved by [Redacted] record label [Columbia Records] and management team. The excitement and fervor I felt collaborating with a band gaining superstardom was exhilarating. The power of influence was at my fingertips and playing a role in developing a global brand seemingly quenched what felt like an insatiable thirst for finding my career purpose.

Witnessing first-hand the [Redacted] explosive success motivated me to seek a more influential role in harnessing the power of pop-culture as a music lawyer. Upon this realization, I thought it would be beneficial to gain legal experience so I decided to pack my belongings and move to Sacramento that summer. I acquired a position as a legal intern at [Redacted], a non-profit public advocacy organization, under the supervision of the Director of Government Affairs, [Redacted]. During my time at [Redacted], I was directly exposed to the inner workings of an organization fighting for the interests of underrepresented communities throughout California. The organization’s influence in shaping California’s public interest programs was phenomenal and playing a role in fighting for these communities, affirmed my desire in harnessing the power of influence through the law.

The success of [Redacted] is remarkable, however, they are an exception to an industry in crisis. Many question my desire to go into music in this economic climate. However, I believe now is the most interesting time to enter the industry for today’s pioneers are abandoning conservative models of business and establishing revolutionary models and strategies of the next generation. Great music lawyers are particularly needed now because the undeveloped body of law regarding new technologies is at least partly to blame for the free fall of the industry. Lawyers must therefore be at the forefront of reshaping the industry.

Music is one of the most effective mediums that have the power to unite communities as well as act as a critique on the many injustices prevalent throughout society. My professional experience has shaped the way I foresee myself playing a role in a volatile industry. I firmly believe that through the power of pop-culture, one can help define the paths of the youth and generations to come, and I want to be apart of that process as an entertainment lawyer.

[LSATclincher]

Nice stories and experience, but this PS sounds like a narrative of your resume. It's ok to discuss that stuff in a para but not the bulk of the essay. Your real passion doesn't come out until the last para. Maybe you can channel a PS from that para?