deleted. Forum
-
oreomilkshake
- Posts: 71
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:02 am
deleted.
deleted.
Last edited by oreomilkshake on Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:20 am, edited 5 times in total.
-
CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: PS critique - any quick thoughts appreciated!
Reread your second sentence in the sixth paragraph & ask yourself if this is an example of a crisp, clear & concise sentence.
Basically, you stretch 3 paragraphs of superficial statements into seven paragraphs leading readers to wonder "Where's the beef ?"
In short, you share & re-share superficial observations without any analysis or reflection.
Basically, you stretch 3 paragraphs of superficial statements into seven paragraphs leading readers to wonder "Where's the beef ?"
In short, you share & re-share superficial observations without any analysis or reflection.
-
CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: PS critique - any quick thoughts appreciated!
To answer your specific questions:
No, this PS is not engaging. It becomes a bit annoying to read during the last few paragraphs as your writing style employs multiple lists of three.
I know that you are of mixed heritage & have travelled to Morocco.
Although it would be nice to meet you, nothing in this writing suggests that meeting you will be any different than meeting any other American student. Oddly, this PS is really about how you are no different than any other American even though you superficially attempt to distinguish yourself as somewhat of a victim of the American legal system.
You need to develop a more well defined theme that is examined with a little more depth of thought.
No, this PS is not engaging. It becomes a bit annoying to read during the last few paragraphs as your writing style employs multiple lists of three.
I know that you are of mixed heritage & have travelled to Morocco.
Although it would be nice to meet you, nothing in this writing suggests that meeting you will be any different than meeting any other American student. Oddly, this PS is really about how you are no different than any other American even though you superficially attempt to distinguish yourself as somewhat of a victim of the American legal system.
You need to develop a more well defined theme that is examined with a little more depth of thought.
-
oreomilkshake
- Posts: 71
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:02 am
deleted.
deleted.
Last edited by oreomilkshake on Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
oreomilkshake
- Posts: 71
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:02 am
deleted.
deleted.
Last edited by oreomilkshake on Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Want to continue reading?
Register now to search topics and post comments!
Absolutely FREE!
Already a member? Login
-
LSATclincher
- Posts: 476
- Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:09 pm
Re: PS critique //round 2!
The writing in para 1 was great and really drew me in, but I'm not sure what message youre trying to convey with it. Am I missing something?
-
oreomilkshake
- Posts: 71
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:02 am
deleted.
deleted.
Last edited by oreomilkshake on Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
