Anyone willing to provide feedback? Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hello all, I'd really love to get some feedback on my ps draft. Looking for all blunt and constructive criticism, I've been staring at it for too long to know if it's a pile of crap or not.


The cold, sterile room caused me to shiver with anticipation. I studied the diagrams and labels, comparing them to the “normal” eye, and tried to decipher the six syllable words with too many consonants to be good news. The pamphlet explained each symptom with increasing detail: neovascularization, vitreous hemorrhage, retinal detachment. It culminated with the finale of proliferative diabetic retinopathy. For my husband, a type-one diabetic from the age of two, it meant he was going blind.

It began with a scratched eye, or so he thought. A week before, objects were out of focus, a little blurry. His symptoms accelerated quickly and soon dark spots began clouding his vision. Within a couple short weeks, he could no longer go to work, he couldn’t drive a car, and even trying to pass the time with TV became futile. The retina specialist explained that my husband’s poorly regulated blood sugars had caused severely damaged blood vessels around his eyes. Our doctor patiently elaborated as my husband sat in silence and I probed about the tiniest of details. I scribbled notes about micro-aneurysms and jotted down treatment options including laser photocoagulation and vitrectomies. The complexity of the details overwhelmed me. A subtle but unrelenting fear crept in as the potential devastating outcome raced through my mind.

True to my investigative nature, I diverted my focus and absorbed the medical literature to become a versed student of diabetic retinopathy. I familiarized myself with medical terms and treatment options, learning the gritty details of what was headed our way. Over the coming months, as the vessels broke and bled into his retinas, I protectively assured my husband that we would be able to adapt and manage whatever outcome we were faced with. After shots and lasers failed to restore his eyesight, my husband’s anxiety and panic only grew. As his fear mounted, I chose to replace my uncertainty with confident optimism. I needed to be his source of strength and comfort, so I concentrated my energy on maintaining resilience through each setback. I stood ready to honor my pledge of constancy through sickness and health. It took three eye surgeries for the doctor to finally scrape out the blood that caked the back of his retinas. Alas, a full recovery arrived.

Our journey through treatment and recovery required me to cultivate an ability to adeptly perceive another person’s needs and compassionately manage situations. I developed valuable responsive tendencies as I relieved my husband of additional stressors by taking care of our household’s temporal needs and providing assurance in the strength of our marriage. My perceptive sensitivity will be an integral skill which will contribute to my success as a student of the law. An advocate, especially in the legal context, must listen effectively, seek to understand a client to assuage his or her concerns, and stem the natural inclination to passionately react to frightening stimuli. Like my husband who was faced with doubt and distress, my legal career will include clientele that primarily seek advice in in times of adversity.

Our harrowing medical experience also reinforced my inclination toward earnest inquisition when confronted with unfamiliar, even daunting, subjects. My predisposition to adapt, manage, and improve upon challenging situations thereafter extended to my professional association as a legal assistant with the Law Offices of Adrienne D. Cohen. Early in my tenure, I began asking questions regarding functions beyond my assigned tasks. Through this active engagement, I nurtured a broader understanding of the needs of the practice and assessed a critical demand for development in our billing department. I took initiative to probe into stale accounts, and through aggressive investigation and follow up, I recovered multiple thousands of dollars owed to our managing partner; money she was not aware remained outstanding. My eagerness to meet unfulfilled needs, master the broader functions of the business, and commitment to resolving the identified challenges, directly led to the prescription of a new, vital, role within in our firm.

I continue to approach my interactions with others as educational opportunities, much like I responded to my husband’s vision scare. By consistently pushing myself to ask questions, identify occasions for problem solving, and proactively respond to needs, I recognize steady growth and advancement in my academic and professional endeavors. My experiences have helped me internalize the ability to detect and compassionately manage the needs of others. Building on the resiliency I developed while I cared for my husband, I will similarly approach the unfamiliar subject-matter and rigorous conditions of law school with confidence. My productive reactions to stress and challenges position me well to thrive in the competitive and refining environment that law school provides. A legal career presents the optimal opportunity to complement my educational curiosity with my propensity to recognize and react to the needs of others.

[spauldingno]

From my humble perspective, it seems like too much of your personal statement is focused on your husband. This experience certainly can be compelling, but it comes off as an overly detailed explanation of this significant medical experience followed by a couple of rushed paragraphs of why you would be a good law student. Advice that was given to me that I thought was helpful you do not need to say "this taught how to X" or "Y skill was learned," as you are supposed to show it.

[CanadianWolf]

Excellent, but a bit shy of outstanding. Solid theme supported by reflective analysis couched in clear & concise writing.

A few minor errors in the text which you should catch upon a reread of this engaging work. Two revisions are needed in the final paragraph. Are your responses "proactive" or "reactive" ? Reread your final sentence (which needs to be revised as well) in which you claim correctly to be reactive. Careful readers will spot this discrepancy.

Overall, a thoughtful, moving & heartfelt analysis that portrays you & your writing skills in a very positive light. And deservingly so.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you so much, I will work on some revisions based on the feedback! Hoping to get a final draft soon!