College Instructor Applying to Law School -- Eviscerate Me Forum

[acidwash]

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[CanadianWolf]

Terrible. Among the worst law school personal statements that I have ever read. This writing is somewhat annoying to read--and that is not good.

Minor correction: "Whichever you are more comfortable...", NOT "whichever you're most comfortable...".

Try to write in crisp, clear & concise sentences. The idea is to communicate with the reader, not to annoy or bore readers with overly wordy, repetitious and pompous language.

The last sentence of the first paragraph should be deleted.

[CanadianWolf]

CHANGE: "inescapable precarity"

DELETE: The last sentence of the second paragraph.

DELETE: Everything in the third paragraph except for the last two sentences.

DELETE: Everything but the first sentence of the last paragraph.

[CanadianWolf]

As written, any reader who finishes your writing should conclude that you don't have much to say. As an aside, lawyers no longer charge by the word.

Try to emulate the writing style used by many editorial & political journalists which focuses on clearly communicating an idea or two to a very large audience.

[acidwash]

Terrible. Among the worst law school personal statements that I have ever read. This writing is somewhat annoying to read--and that is not good.

Minor correction: "Whichever you are more comfortable...", NOT "whichever you're most comfortable...".

Try to write in crisp, clear & concise sentences. The idea is to communicate with the reader, not to annoy or bore readers with overly wordy, repetitious and pompous language.

The last sentence of the first paragraph should be deleted.

Thanks for this, I appreciate the feedback. It seems like most of your specific feedback is mostly minor changes though -- could you be more specific about what makes it terrible / the worst? Or is it just mainly the language problems you pointed out?

[acidwash]

Nevermind -- posting from my phone and didn't realize the other posts were yours as well. Thanks canadianwolf

[CanadianWolf]

Your writing uses too many words to communicate simple messages. Rather than establishing a theme and supporting that theme, this piece repeats the same uninteresting material in an annoying fashion. Plus, I had to look up the definition of "eviscerate". And this occurred just after lunch.

[acidwash]

Your writing uses too many words to communicate simple messages. Rather than establishing a theme and supporting that theme, this piece repeats the same uninteresting material in an annoying fashion. Plus, I had to look up the definition of "eviscerate". And this occurred just after lunch.

Makes sense. Thanks.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Eviscerate isn't an obscure word.

I don't agree with CanadianWolf on this one. It is very academic (not surprising - legal writing style is very different, although this would be perfectly at home in a law review article), but I think there are points in what he suggests you delete that are pertinent to your application. I didn't find it annoying or uninteresting. My biggest concern with it is that there's a suggestion you're going to law school because you couldn't get an academic job, which is a message to be avoided.

[CanadianWolf]

I was teasing about the word "eviscerate". My attempt at humor. Whether or not this is an example of academic writing is beside the point because it is still an example of poor writing due, in large part, by using too much space to say too little.

[acidwash]

Eviscerate isn't an obscure word.

I don't agree with CanadianWolf on this one. It is very academic (not surprising - legal writing style is very different, although this would be perfectly at home in a law review article), but I think there are points in what he suggests you delete that are pertinent to your application. I didn't find it annoying or uninteresting. My biggest concern with it is that there's a suggestion you're going to law school because you couldn't get an academic job, which is a message to be avoided.

Great point. That is partly true -- not my main reason for going to law school by any means, but more that I have a chance to go, finally -- but you're right I need to fix that.

[CanadianWolf]

Some law schools may be reluctant to admit an applicant viewed as a career student, but your situation is easily understood as a motivating reason to change professions. The next step is to share "Why law school for me, a 32 year old PhD in Literature ?" And the answer should be more substantial than "because I cannot get a secure job in my chosen field".

[CanadianWolf]

Also, if this writing would be perfectly at home as a law review article, it would be in a poorly edited law review. I am a believer that even PHD academicians are capable of writing well.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Different fields have different approaches to writing. I also think the labor law angle makes a great deal of sense, based on my experience in the field and the research I've done in the area. The issue will be to craft it not as "I was forced into this because I couldn't get a job" but as something more positive - maybe more along the lines of "the interests that drew me to the PhD now draw me to law school because of the limits on what academic research can accomplish" (to the extent there is a connection between your PhD research and your labor law angle, as I think the PS suggests).