From Jailhouse to Courthouse - Final Draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

No response is a good sign...

[AReasonableMan]

This is a racist joke. The prose at times are logical enough to suggest the grammar is intentionally off. I don't know why you would feel the need to do this. Does it make you feel better about yourself?

[Companion Cube]

[Anonymous User]

.......

[A. Nony Mouse]

OP, it's actually kind of hard to tell what you're talking about. It may be that you're assuming the reader will also read other statements (DS? PS?), but if you talk about "an arrest" without giving any details, your reader is left wondering what happened. You talk about "hurdles" but don't say what they were. You say it took you ten years to get your UG degree, but not why or how. The last sentence doesn't really make sense grammatically, plus the reader doesn't know how/why you have parolees; and saying you're just looking to be a bigger cog in the system doesn't make being a lawyer sound very positive when you've suggested the system isn't good/doesn't work.

I think the overall idea of talking about the obstacles you've had to overcome is fine, but this is just difficult to understand.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the positive feedback Nony Mouse...like I said extremely rough draft...I took an idea...and just ran with it, especially when the application states 'obstacles/discrimination that you have overcome..in less than an hour...I'll attempt to correct in the next hour or so...

I realize it shouldn't be so vague....

[Anonymous User]

......

[seashell.economy]

I think this is a fine first draft, and I get what you are trying to convey. Nony's advice is good. I also think this works for a PS; I don't think you are blurring the lines between a DS and a PS. All of this info is relevant to a PS. If you want me to give some more detailed edits, message me on here. I'd be glad to help.

[lymenheimer]

You have so many run-on sentences it makes your writing tiring to read. I too cannot tell if they are intentionally that way or mistakenly.

[Anonymous User]

......

[AReasonableMan]

If this is real then you have to have real sentences. A lot of the sentence structure is arbitrary as you have run on sentences, and many sentences that lack a noun and verb. Also, I'd lose all the passive prose. Things like "no less to being true" are unnecessarily confusing for the reader. Try to communicate using the fewest amount of words possible rather than with phrases you think sound good.

[libertttarian]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is not an appropriate response for the on-topics - discussion/comments on affirmative action are not allowed in this forum.

[seashell.economy]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is just blatantly racist.

[lymenheimer]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is just blatantly racist.

What an inappropriate response in the on-topics. You wanna blindly call people racist? Go to the conservative thread in the lounge.

[maracuya]

I think you're telling more than you're showing in this PS. For example, at the end you discuss how you've come full circle by now working as a probation officer. Show this instead of saying it. But more generally, the PS reads more like "I started here. Then I did this. Then I did this. This is my GPA and LSAT. Then I did this. Now I'm here."

Focus more on a story. Save your arrest story for the C&F addendum. I imagine you've met so many interesting people while working as a probation officer. You have a unique experience within the legal system (you mentioned you're in front of a judge most days). Talk about that! I think this is what will set you apart from other applicants.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is just blatantly racist.

What an inappropriate response in the on-topics. You wanna blindly call people racist? Go to the conservative thread in the lounge.

Stop it, everyone. Affirmative action is not up for discussion here, don't derail the thread by discussing the comment.

[lymenheimer]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is just blatantly racist.

What an inappropriate response in the on-topics. You wanna blindly call people racist? Go to the conservative thread in the lounge.

Stop it, everyone. Affirmative action is not up for discussion here, don't derail the thread by discussing the comment.

You tell 'em, Nony.

[A. Nony Mouse]

Your PS serves as a stronger critique of public education than of our criminal justice system.

LOL at how brilliantly this PS illustrates the main point of opponents of affirmative action.

This is just blatantly racist.

What an inappropriate response in the on-topics. You wanna blindly call people racist? Go to the conservative thread in the lounge.

Stop it, everyone. Affirmative action is not up for discussion here, don't derail the thread by discussing the comment.

You tell 'em, Nony.

I mean you, too. Any further discussion of this comment will get someone banned.

[Sweetneers]

Can't tell if flame or not, but I'll critique anyways.

Extremely rough draft...just typed this up in the past hour...

Statically speaking, one in three black males will end up in jail once in their lifetime. These are frightening statistics, when one looks at the numbers.

Why does an Adcom care? How does this effect you? Not a great opening. This is a personal statement. National statistics aren't personal, even if you are black.

And yet for a short amount time in my youth, I was able to make these facts no less to being true.

What does this even mean?

And even though the arrest did not end up in a conviction, as the D.A. didn’t even file a complaint with the court after reviewing the evidence. I was briefly a cog in the wheel, in which we call the Criminal Justice system, which is so hard to escape as there are numerous collateral consequences that one must hurdle over.

How does this paint you in a good light? Are you trying to front some trouble you got into? Don't do that in your PS, do it in an addendum.

Yet, it is consequences are the very thing, which I’ve had to overcome in more than just my personal life, but even in my academic career, even if these hurdles were inadvertently created by me. Some people normally would wait a year or two from going to high school to college.

No. That's not true at all. Most go straight to college.

I should have done this, as I was not able to mentally commit with all the freedom that was immediately granted after high school. The only thing I ended up with going straight from high school to college was a mounting debt and questionable grades that I had to attempt to overcome, when I finally graduated with my undergraduate degree close to ten years later.

Again, this doesn't paint you in a good light. You look financially irresponsible, and if you made poor grades in undergrad, you're probably not going to do well in law school, at least in the AdComm's eyes. Again, this goes in an addendum, not in your personal statement.

It was about this time, that I met my current wife and her child. A responsibility I didn't have, so many years ago. Now, someone other than me is dependent on my actions. They essentially make me better in a passive sort of way.

Okay. Write more about this.

This is evident by the fact that my degree GPA increased with each semester that passed towards graduating, as opposed to when I first enlisted in college. All the while, working as a correctional officer, in one of xxxxxx’s understaffed prisons. And, even though I face an uphill battle with my cumulative GPA due to having to retake quite a few classes, one should realize that I have the aptitude for XXXXXX of Law as my LSAT is higher than the median that is accepted.

Adcomms can see the grades you made over time. Don't talk about your LSAT score being better than your GPA, don't tell the Adcom how to do their job. Write about something personal that effects you and molded you.

Also, you enlist in the military, you enroll in college.

Regardless of the situation or the circumstances that are placed before me to overcome, my only direction is forward. When I was young, seems I was concerned about getting stuck in the criminal justice system. Yet, it seems to have come full circle as I currently am a probation Officer, in front of a Judge every other day. A probation officer; a position that I would have had to report to myself, if things went south when I was younger. Now if only I could assist people before they have to report monthly…

Write about an experience you had where you saw the law changing someone's life. That might make for a more compelling PS.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I don't agree with all the above comments. I think the statistics are perfectly frightening if you're a black male. I think to make the statement work as talking about shifting from one part of the criminal justice system to another, talking about the arrest makes sense. That said, I think you need to give some more details for it to work - like what you were arrested for. If you think the arrest is going to reflect too badly to make part of the PS, then maybe you need to pick a different theme.

I also think talking about problems going straight to college is fine, since the theme seems to be redemption. It would help to have more details about improvements when you went back to school later, though (a little more detail about what exactly your timeline was would help).

(And plenty of people do take time off between high school and college.)

[TheSpanishMain]

I think there's something worthwhile here, but it does need a good deal of polishing. There are a lot of areas where the syntax and grammar are simply wrong.

[Anonymous User]

.....

[Anonymous User]

......

[Anonymous User]

Submitting in a few weeks...