Personal Statement First Draft, PLEASE Critique!!! Forum

[zach1394]

GPA:3.4
LSAT: 162
Targets: BC, ND, UNC

PS:
We all want nothing more than to seize our opportunities, to have our preparation pay off in pursuit of our goal. We just hope we don’t choke. I was fourteen and after countless hours of hard work and practice, I choked.

I choked in a more literal sense. My vision left me, my chest tightened. I couldn’t breathe. And all I can think of was my dream slipping through my fingers. The next thing I remember was sitting in that office staring at the doctor. The diagnosis was Atrial Septal Defect with Mitral Valve regurgitation. He told me I could never play again. Everything thereafter was simply noise.

At that time losing soccer was everything to me. I had been dreaming of a scholarship since I can remember, a chance to compete against the best while continuing my education. I had worked everyday to try and make that come true. Now that drive and determination that once surrounded me was only a faded memory. I forced myself to believe that quitting was out of my control. I had to. At fourteen it was hard not think that way. I was heart broken, literally.

I sat in that waiting room feeling sorry for myself, blaming a condition for destroying my dream. A Toronto Blue Jays game played over the television. There was a boy, no older than seven, his head bald from what I can only assume was cancer, mesmerized by the screen. He mimicked the swings and the catches. Finally he turned to his mother, looked up and said, “That’s going to be me one day”. Those simple words of innocent hope stayed with me. Fighting for his life, he dared to dream. I was the fortunate one. What was my excuse?

Today, that word heart takes on a special meaning. That hospital I now know all too well changed me; two open-heart surgeries can do that. A scar marks my chest, hardly discreet, but I wear it like a badge. It symbolizes what that word means to me. Heart is a mark of character, an intangible characteristic too often overlooked. Tackling every challenge with, integrity, determination and a resilient passion. There is no quit in me anymore.

Fast-forward seven years; I walked off the golf course at Cornell University. Mild disappointment set in as I put my bag away. “Didn’t make enough putts,” I thought to myself. This course was the site of my first college tournament. It represents the start of it all. In the end I got that scholarship I worked for. Though it was not for soccer. Very few know what the game of golf truly means to me. It symbolizes a drive I wont let go again. It symbolizes every moment in that hospital, what I learned from every other kid there. It represents that fourteen-year-old kid. Every time I step up to that tee, I’m still playing soccer.

[vested]

You need to ensure tense consistency when discussing past events vs. present events/feelings.

[CanadianWolf]

Two minor errors involving a misplaced comma & a forgotten apostrophe.

This is a very effective law school PS because it reveals a great deal about your thoughts, experiences & development in a clear-cut, humble & reflective manner. (Readers will like you.)

[LSATclincher]

Great statement. I'm not reading for grammar, just topic and effectiveness. So the folks above me are more than likely correct. Aside from whatever they said, this is a great statement. It's been 4 years since applying to law school and back then your numbers for those schools you list seem like you are right on the borderline. I'd imagine it's the same today. So the PS is important for you and will definitely be a strength to your candidacy. Best of luck to you.