Revised PS. Final Draft. Need a final set of eyes. Forum

[goddard24]

Guys, I would appreciate your feedback on my PS. This is my Final Dradft, so any feed back, good or bad, is really appreciated.
This comes to about 2 1/2 pages Dbl spaced. If need be, I am willing to remove the final paragraph.
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In 2007 my parents took my brother and me from our home in the Commonwealth of Dominica to Barbados, to complete the final stage of a nearly ten-year process. Prior to entering the United States as a permanent resident, it is required that one attends an interview at the nearest U.S. immigration office. Barbados, located two islands south of the Commonwealth of Dominica, was our destination. To date, my parents’ decision to immigrate to the United States has provided me with innumerable opportunities. However, the moment that our eligibility to relocate was nearly denied, stands in my mind as a reminder that U.S. legislature possesses the ability to improve an individual’s quality of life.

At the immigration office, the problem stemmed from the fact that on two of her identification documents, my mother incorrectly listed her middle name as her first. Upon noticing the differing names, the interviewing officer immediately halted our interview. In her best attempt to clarify, my mother explained that this mistake resulted from habit--for most of her life she has been addressed by her middle name rather than her first. Nonetheless, it was abundantly clear that the officer was unconvinced, to the extent that my family and I were removed from the line to await the director of the department. Upon meeting the director, he explained that this mistake could have delayed our entrance to the United States at least another four years. Thankfully, upon speaking with my parents and understanding the honesty of this mistake, he granted our clearance to immigrate. In July of 2008 we entered the United States as permanent residents.

My experience at the immigration office has remained in the background of my development as both a student and a citizen. I attribute its longevity to the fact that it prompted me to confront the possibility that in some manner, my ability to achieve in life could be limited. This possibility directly opposed a maxim that was present throughout my childhood; I could do anything that I set my mind to. The contrast personalized the reality that there are individuals who are unable to contribute to society because they lack the opportunity to receive a higher education.

The concept of education has garnered a new meaning for me, specifically because it is the main tool that I have at my disposal to improve my socioeconomic standing. In my experience, entering a new country with limited funds and a very small familial support system requires one to rely on their intellect and a proof of such in order to progress. My parents provided the most impactful example; lacking the official document stating a major and a graduation date, their opportunities for employment were severely limited. Upon entering the United States, we transitioned from the middle to the lower economic bracket--we qualified for low income housing. The point of this transition was to create an opportunity for my brother and me that would allow us to achieve more than either of my parents. Being a direct beneficiary of an opportunity that someone else has created has warranted a period of self-reflection on my part. I have come to believe that by obtaining the means to improve the access to education on a global scale, I will be able contribute to the improvement of society in a manner that will grant others the ability to continue to do so.

I entered college with the idea of becoming an attorney. I selected Political Science as my major because I wanted to identify the intersection of legislature and individual lives. Having to immigrate in order to obtain a better chance in life and having relied upon state provisions such as the Affordable Care Act, has prompted me to realize that the inherent goal of immigration is not solely self-advancement, but to improve the quality of life beyond our borders. Through my undergraduate course-study, I have identified legislature as a tool that maintains the socioeconomic structure of society. I believe that a legal education with a focus upon international law, will grant me the knowledge required in order to improve the structures that facilitate education within different nations.

I believe that in order to institute and apply legislature, one must have an understanding of how it may impact the smallest of niches. Coming from a significantly smaller country has granted me the perspective of seeing the socioeconomic demarcations of society on a much more concentrated scale. By combining this perspective with my experience within the U.S. as both an immigrant and a citizen, I have gained a glimpse of the effect of legislative policies upon those in lower economic brackets. I intend upon utilizing this perspective to create opportunities that will better society at large.
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[CanadianWolf]

(I'll comment is spurts as I am in between phone calls.)

In short, this is not a final draft. This draft is too long, too repetitive & a bit boring. You need to tighten up your delivery.

It is clear that you have put significant care & effort into this writing.

DELETE: The first sentence of the final paragraph. It is awkward & confusing which detracts from the rest of your writing.

The first two paragraphs are fine, but the third paragraph needs to be revised & shortened.

The fourth paragraph needs to be shortened. Try to state your message in a more succinct manner or you risk losing the reader's interest.

The fifth paragraph is too wordy & a bit repetitious.

DELETE the first sentence of the sixth paragraph (as I already noted above).

[CanadianWolf]

Do NOT remove the final paragraph as it is a well thought out ending consistent with your theme (just delete the awkward & confusing first sentence of this, the sixth, paragraph).

[goddard24]

Got it! I appreciate the review. I am trying to keep it to 2 pages max, guess I still have some excess statements i can trim down.

[LSATclincher]

It seems long winded. Nice story but needs tweaking. It's not close to being a final draft.

[goddard24]

^LSATCLINCHER. Thanks for your reply, I am currently editing--trying to cut down to about a page and 1/4. Any specific elements that stood out to you as long winded? Also, what's preventing this from hitting that Final draft mark? Appreciate your reply!