PS draft critique Forum

Anonymous User · Post by **Anonymous User** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 6:59 pm

Thanks for the help everyone

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 7:19 pm

This is a well done law school personal statement, in my opinion. The final sentence is both weak & incorrect, however.

marmadukeishere · Post by **marmadukeishere** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:13 pm

This doesn't seem to be a PS directed at law school... it reads more like you want to work within the health care system? I'm not sure how it ties into law school. It could also stand to focus more on what your personal reaction has been versus the blanket statements of how it has been a hardship. For as personal of a topic as it is, it seems very detached and impersonal. I think it could stand to have more imagery included and also less of a description of the disease in the first paragraph--my thinking is most people reviewing your application will have an understanding of what the disease is.

You know what you want to say but try "showing" it instead of "saying" it if you can.

Original: "As can be imagined, this caused me to grow up relatively early compared to my peers;"

Edit: While my classmates were going to Dairy Queen after class, I was driving my mother to her various doctor appointments. (<--insert personal experiences)

Anonymous User · Post by **Anonymous User** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:11 pm

marmadukeishere wrote:This doesn't seem to be a PS directed at law school... it reads more like you want to work within the health care system? I'm not sure how it ties into law school. It could also stand to focus more on what your personal reaction has been versus the blanket statements of how it has been a hardship. For as personal of a topic as it is, it seems very detached and impersonal. I think it could stand to have more imagery included and also less of a description of the disease in the first paragraph--my thinking is most people reviewing your application will have an understanding of what the disease is.

You know what you want to say but try "showing" it instead of "saying" it if you can.

Original: "As can be imagined, this caused me to grow up relatively early compared to my peers;"

Edit: While my classmates were going to Dairy Queen after class, I was driving my mother to her various doctor appointments. (<--insert personal experiences)

OP here, thanks for your comments. I can definitely see how the matter of fact way that I go through my statement could come across as being impersonal and I'll try to add in some examples to try and rectify this. My reason for going to law school is to try and inflict some serious policy change regarding our U.S. health care system and to represent those who are victims of the system. If I could show that do you think that would strengthen the notion of it being a statement directed towards law schools? Thanks again.

CanadianWolf wrote:This is a well done law school personal statement, in my opinion. The final sentence is both weak & incorrect, however.

Thank you. Regarding the final sentence; do you have any suggestions on the direction to take? I'm kind of wondering if I may not be better off just scrapping it all together.

CanadianWolf · Post by **CanadianWolf** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:24 pm

It may be wise to delete the final sentence. Unfortunately, the world is not altruistic, including university run health care systems, so you may end up on opposite sides of issues.

Stardust84 · Post by **Stardust84** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:40 pm

My critiques for what they are worth;

1. You explain why you want to go to law school, but you ought to also explain what makes you a good candidate for law school. Speak more to those qualities of yourself as an individual and the experiences that would make you a promising law student/lawyer. Be concrete where possible. I can tell the NBA all day how bad I want a place on a team, but I'm 5'9" and white and suck at basketball, so a want to is not sufficient.

2. You really don't need to tailor your essay per the law school. Just state it about law school generally.

Anonymous User · Post by **Anonymous User** » Mon Oct 19, 2015 10:01 pm

Stardust84 wrote:My critiques for what they are worth;

1. You explain why you want to go to law school, but you ought to also explain what makes you a good candidate for law school. Speak more to those qualities of yourself as an individual and the experiences that would make you a promising law student/lawyer. Be concrete where possible. I can tell the NBA all day how bad I want a place on a team, but I'm 5'9" and white and suck at basketball, so a want to is not sufficient.

2. You really don't need to tailor your essay per the law school. Just state it about law school generally.

OP

Thank you for your thoughts. Perhaps if I got rid of the last paragraph regarding a specific school this would be a good spot to add in some of what I believe would make me a successful student/lawyer? Would that make sense?

marmadukeishere · Post by **marmadukeishere** » Tue Oct 20, 2015 12:31 am

Anonymous User wrote: OP here, thanks for your comments. I can definitely see how the matter of fact way that I go through my statement could come across as being impersonal and I'll try to add in some examples to try and rectify this. My reason for going to law school is to try and inflict some serious policy change regarding our U.S. health care system and to represent those who are victims of the system. If I could show that do you think that would strengthen the notion of it being a statement directed towards law schools? Thanks again.

Yep! Otherwise I think the topic can get away from itself.

PS draft critique Forum

PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Register now to search topics and post comments!

Re: PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Re: PS draft critique

Register for access!