PS - getting there, but still need help. Forum

[Anonymous User]

Deleted.

Thanks everyone! I'll continue working on it!

[CanadianWolf]

CONSIDER: "I was a strong, capable woman." INSTEAD OF: "I was a strong woman capable of so much."

CONSDER: " I knew everything would be much worse for them if I did that." (This version deletes the word "so"--which you tend to overuse.)

Strong beginning & solid ending. This version is, in my opinion, much better than your earlier effort.

[cbbinnyc]

The changes you've made are on the right track, but you haven't gone far enough and this essay is very general right now. Your mother, your father, and the rest of the "characters" here, including yourself, are archetypical: your father is the mustache-twirling villain, your mother is the cowering victim, and you are the hero who overcomes the odds and saves the day, etc etc. Obviously, the reality of the situation is highly complicated, but right now it doesn't have much nuance. You can help this by zeroing in on a more specific event. Preferably about something you did. Right now, the only thing we really learn about you that won't be apparent on a resume is that you had a controlling father and you ended up having to pay for your college tuition. While this is admirable, many people had to pay their own way through college; and, frankly, the fact that your father was originally footing the bill and allowing you to live away from home (and gave you a car) doesn't support your depiction of him otherwise. You also mention that you return home to help the other members of your family. I suppose this is something but, again, it's very general. What are you actually doing to help them?

Maybe take a step back and think about what you want to convey in this essay. It should be clear and specific. Does your desire to be a lawyer relate directly to your family background? If so, be clearer about that. If not, you might want to find something else to focus on. We want to see you "doing" something specific and then reflecting on that experience.

Also, you might want to do another major rewrite before worrying about this, but you have some grammar issues and your use of language is too colloquial and can be tightened up quite a bit throughout. (e.g. "His response to this was exactly what you would imagine it to be: he was not happy with my newfound sense of self-esteem. He took away my car and phone, but this had no impact on me." could become "Predictably unhappy with my newfound self-esteem, he took away my car and phone. But I was unfazed.")

[CanadianWolf]

I agree with cbbinnyc's comments above.

OP: Much of your writing suggests that you are beginning to mature--which also suggests the opposite. Much of your lack of maturity is evident in the depiction of your overprotective father as a one dimensional villain. This raises more questions about you & your readiness for law school than it does about concerns with your father's character.

[CanadianWolf]

Clearly your goal is to present yourself as "a proud, positive independent woman", but the better goal for a law school personal statement should be to portray yourself as a proud, positive independent woman who is also a mature, reflective thinker who has learned much from her young life's experiences.