Personal statement critique - Teacher applying to T16 - Complete Revision Forum

[ScienceTeacher]

Note: I have updated my PS with revision suggestions. I greatly appreciate any further critiques.

Note: I have done a complete revision of my Personal Statement. While maintaining many of the key points I revised the theme and shortened the paper significantly.

Your critique would be greatly appreciated.
I have been working since high school but my full time work experience since graduating includes 2 years building a new restaurant brand and working as the general manager and 2 years of teaching in a high risk middle school.
I was premed but have decided on law school instead.

The following is the revised Personal Statement:

“You will never understand, you don’t know my life, I can never be more than what I am.” Quotes like these echo through the halls of Empower College Prep every day. Teaching at a high-risk school challenges me daily with language barriers, lack of familial support and negative community influences. My triumphs are best shown through the educational and personal growth of the individual students I am able to influence. These seemingly small accomplishments are what drive me to push further.
On the eve of my first year of teaching I imagined neatly lined rows of student desks and shelves stocked full perfectly organized laboratory equipment. Priding myself on always being prepared long before deadlines I had finished my plans for the first month of school before the training period. I was excited to take the students on an educational journey to develop new skills and learn the language of science.
The last day of training rolled around and my confidence was soaring, only to be struck down by the reveal of my classroom assignment and that none of my classroom supplies would arrive for another week. As I stood in the middle of an empty room, no bigger than my bedroom, panic struck. My mind racing trying hard to envision a feasible way to fit 28 students into this room, not to mention all the bookcases I requested to organize the lab supplies. I eased my worries by reminiscing on struggles encountered leading to the grand opening of the second branch of KetMoRee Restaurant Group under my management. I confidently told myself that theses obstacles paled in comparison to the stress encountered when at the last minute the bar’s liquor license was delayed in the appeal process. I encouraged myself to persevere, as I knew that if I could find a solution against all the odds back then, surely I would find a solution now. With these thoughts in mind, I spent the weekend creating curriculum that could be taught without any materials and developed a way to efficiently arrange the room.
That first week was a hit, the students loved the team building activities, but unfortunately the spark ignited in that first week slowly fizzed out over the following month. Quickly classroom behavior spiraled out of control with physical fights, students creating and circulating weapons, and a failing average on most quizzes. I knew changes had to be made if these students were to succeed. I started from the foundation by creating new curriculum that diverged from the traditional lecture based teaching to a more hands on approach. Although a majority of students are not proficient in English at Empower College Prep and the student body has an increased percentage of special ed. students, they began to learn the language of science by becoming scientists. Students increased both their science and English vocabulary, grew confidence through success, and developed a genuine interest in science.
Although my job description states that I am to teach the students a particular set of standards with the goal of achieving a minimum of two year’s growth, I want to make more of an impact. Contrary to the belief of my students I can relate to them more than they know, having come from a family of violence, riddled with substance abuse. Children from such backgrounds can achieve success. In teaching I have been able to go much further than my job description by influencing students to develop self-confidence. Through building a company from the ground up and educating children I have learned that growing strong relationships is built upon respect, understanding, and relating to your audience. These skills pair well with my drive for continued success and will further serve me in law school and as a practitioner of the law. With every hurdle placed in my path I have taken each opportunity to grow by increasing my knowledge. I wish to continue to foster my skills by attending law school. My ambition to make an impact in society is what has spurred my interest in attending law school; my tenacious pursuit of success and ability to surmount obstacles are the forces that will contribute to my work at XXXUniversity.

[cbbinnyc]

Well, you've broken two big PS rules: don't write about about people other than yourself (role models, family members, etc) and don't write about things that happened before college.

In my opinion, you should start over. You have some interesting work experience, it sounds like; write about that. Or at least write about something that happened post-high school. If, as you say, you have the exact same experiences with your own students, write about one of those. Right now, this essay doesn't tell me very much about you now or about why you might be interested in going to law school. It seems more like an essay about why you want to be a teacher.

Also, on an unrelated note, this is probably too long. Depends on the school, but most places want a 2-page essay. And this is definitely not an instance where length is going to be impressive; the shorter the better, within reason.

[ScienceTeacher]

Maybe I didn't make it clear that I was writing from the perspective or a student that I have tought. I am Ms. V. Thank you for your input. If I make that fact more clear does that change your opinion. I was trying to be witty by writing from one of my students perspectives

[A. Nony Mouse]

That wasn't clear to me, either, and I feel like it's honestly a little self aggrandizing because it paints you as this kid's savior. You write well but it does need to be shorter and I would scrap writing from the kid's point of view.

[cbbinnyc]

That wasn't clear to me, either, and I feel like it's honestly a little self aggrandizing because it paints you as this kid's savior. You write well but it does need to be shorter and I would scrap writing from the kid's point of view.

I agree. Creativity is generally not rewarded on the PS, at least for law school. Just keep it straightforward. If you want to talk about a student you helped, that could be a good topic; just talk about it from your perspective.

[ltbenn]

Completely agree with the previous feedback.

Would also add that IMO you should invest more in the analysis of the experience than you do ere - "showing not telling" is great, but try to find a couple ways to tie your teaching experience into a greater thesis (why you want to go to law school, or why you think you'd excel in law school/in a legal career).
Also, when revising to the first person perspective, it can be easy to fall into a "savior of poor children" trope - I'd recommend putting more weight on how teaching has affected you/your goals/world-view than how much you have affected your students.

My two cents, fwiw.

[CanadianWolf]

It is clear that you put a lot of time & effort into creating this writing. Unfortunately, this is not suitable for use as a law school personal statement in its current form because it is too long, overly detailed without need & is not clear that you are Mrs. V.

It's fine to write too much in an initial draft, but you need to establish a well defined theme. Support for that theme should be presented in a clear, concise & logical fashion. The writing is not crisp & the content lacks self-reflection, analysis & conclusions from that process.

[ScienceTeacher]

Thank you for your input it is very helpful. This was a bit of an experimental PS idea to try and be a little different. Looks like its back to the drawing board.

[ScienceTeacher]

Update: I have completely revised my personal statement. Hopefully the theme and condensed length are more positive. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

[CanadianWolf]

First paragraph: "small accomplishments" doesn't make sense in the context of your essay since your point is that there are major, seemingly insurmountable obstacles to overcome to be a successful teacher in this environment. Consider "seemingly small accomplishments".

Final paragraph: Start with the word "Although" (Although my job description...".). Also, "...insurmountable success." = doesn't make sense to me. Delete "insurmountable".

"...by influencing students to learn self-confidence." Consider "develop self-confidence" rather than "learn". It is also important to share how you instill self-confidence in your students. Trust, positive feedback & high, but achievable, expectations & goals might be some ways that can develop self-confidence in others.

DELETE: "uniquely" in the final sentence. "Unique" is overused & misused frequently. ALSO, "is the force" or should it read "are the forces" ?

"...that growing strong relationships..." How do you do this ? Again, trust, positive feedback, encouragement & reasonable expectations & faith are methods used to build relationships. Leading by example is another (small room & lack of supplies didn't deter you from achieving your goals nor did a difficult background rife with violence & drug abuse).

This is a much better PS, but it still lacks reflection & self-analysis that taught you by experience & instilled self-confidence & faith in you.

[ScienceTeacher]

I have updated my PS with revision suggestions. I greatly appreciate any further critiques.

Thank You CW for your previous suggestions.

[Mack.Hambleton]

What's T16

[ScienceTeacher]

What's T16

Top 16 ranked schools

[cbbinnyc]

What's T16

Top 16 ranked schools

I believe Hambleton is being ironic, as usually people refer to the T14 ... there isn't really a well-accepted T16.

This statement is much much better. You address a specific hardship you encountered and outline ways in which you met the challenge. You should get somebody to go through and do a thorough edit for grammar and style (I can do that later today or tomorrow and PM you, if you want).

A couple improvements you could make:

I would either take out the references to your restaurant or find a way to better integrate them. You are clearly trying to drop it in to be impressive, but it doesn't fit well right now (and you can highlight it on your resume anyway).

For my money, I'd like to hear a better explanation of why you want to go to law school. It sounds like you have a passion for teaching, so why go to law school? You mention wanting to "make an impact in society", but you should be clear about why practicing law is a better way for you to achieve that than teaching. (Right now, it makes you sound a little naive ... many go into law wanting to "make an impact" but, like teaching, the realities of the job are not so rosy.)

[vested]

The first sentence needs to be rewritten. Those quotes should be broken up if they are indeed separate. I'm assuming one student did not give all three complaints as one single quote. If I'm wrong, then each of the three statements should be separated by a semi colon.

[sanibella]

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