Revised PS need help refining further PLEASE!!! Forum

[mmarsall54]

For the second time today, I'm covered in someone else's blood and people are screaming at me while I am being pushed around. These things tend to happen in my line of work. Working as security in a large nightclub leads to these situations where my ability to think quickly comes in handy. Not 5 hours before this incident I was playing football against some of the best athletes in junior college trying to impress the Division I scouts in the stands.

The incident at the nightclub occurred when one of the patrons starts dancing with a girl on the dance floor. Another patron sees this and seems upset, and grabs the first patron and shoves him away . The attacker was a squat man with dark hair, a tight "Affliction" shirt, and a bit of stubble for a beard; the type you expect to start a fight. Immediately I am on guard now and start heading through the swarm of people to deescalate the situation. Before I could get there "Affliction" shirt has struck the dancer with his glass, cutting his head slightly. Luckily I saw it fairly quickly and was able to grab the attacker without further injury occurring to the victim. "Get off me! He started it!" said the attacker. Doesn't matter to me I thought to myself. My job is to make sure these type of incidents don't escalate and the patrons remain safe. The attacker is struggling and his friends at the nightclub see me as the enemy now which leads to me being assaulted while trying to deescalate the situation. I'm being pushed around and call another one of the security for help as I take out the first attacker. I feel my body start to tire, as I was in a football game earlier, but am able to get the attacker and his friends outside the nightclub with the police arriving at the perfect moment. After they are gone I run back inside to my post to make sure another incident like that doesn't occur. These long days of playing football and then working in a nightclub after were common for me because I supported myself in college, and had rent and other bills that needed to be paid.

Earlier that day I was up around 7 in order to eat breakfast before the defensive team meeting at 9. I wake up my roommate who is another linebacker and we start our normal pregame ritual. On Saturdays in the fall nothing is on my mind besides football. I got my schoolwork done during the week so on game day I can focus and have no worries. This constant logistical game I played with my life weekly was required if I was to succeed both on the football field and in the classroom. These long days would then lead to nights and early mornings spent studying in order to maintain my high GPA. After the game I had a few hours to see my mother whom always came to my games. I moved away from my mother and the poor economic situation that I was living in so I could focus on school and football on my own terms. For me to become a better individual and pursue my goals, I needed to get away from that trailer park in California I grew up in as a child and with my loving, struggling-to-get-by, single mother. Usually we had had a nice dinner out so we could talk before she would make the drive home and I would get ready for work.

My football life and school life were so intertwined that I barely had time for me. I was a consummate student as well as athlete and they made it hard for me to unwind. But this is what I signed up for an I knew in the end it was worth it. So on those nights after games when the rest of my teammates were looking for the best party, I was getting ready for my job. When other students were playing Xbox, I was on the practice field or in the library getting better. The only problem was that I was trying so hard that my play on the field fell off. School became dull and didn't seem worth it. I wanted to try harder to break this plateau that I imagined I had reached but nothing worked. Therefore, I saw the only other option was to do the opposite and took it upon myself to relax more and forget about the need to be the best and just enjoy myself. Our season wasn't going the way we planned and it showed in a lot of us. I saw giant turnaround after this happened. My mood improved and I felt better about the situation we were in. I became a normal college student who happened to love football and not the football player who did well in school just so he could get a better scholarship. My play got better and I worried less. The real me started to appear and live up to the potential I had heard do much of. My strong work ethic would always be there but now I learned to combine it with a relaxed attitude and get more done efficiently. My life has simplified and gone to new heights because of this.

[cmac2210]

you should never use numbers for a number less than 10. So a five should be spelled out and a 20 can be in number format.

[cbbinnyc]

Hey, read your first draft as well. There are some grammar and style issues, but I would take at least one more pass at the overall content before worrying about that.

You need to figure out what your theme is here. Another TLS poster, on another thread, suggested starting with the question, "Why would i make a good lawyer?" I think "Why do I want to be a lawyer?" is another good place to start. These don't have to end up being the focus of your essay, but they are a good place to start. Right now, it's very unclear what point you are driving at here. As in the first draft, you spend a lot of time on the bouncer story which, yes, is engaging, but then it seems to be unrelated to any greater point, other than that you had to work a strenuous after-hours job. Then you talk about having a strong work ethic, but then you confusingly shift gears at the end and talk about becoming a regular college student (which, though it's probably not your intention, just makes it sound like you burned out and decided to slack off).

Bottom line, narrow your focus. I would recommend starting from the drawing board, doing some more brainstorming, and then beginning with a tried-and-true PS outline. For example: (1) Story of something you did (one thing - challenge you overcame, setback you faced but learned from, project you directed, etc etc); (2) Analysis of what you learned; (3) Why this experience made you want to be a lawyer. Or some such format. You can always deviate from the formulaic formats later, but I would start there. Structure will set you free. Right now it's kind of all over the place.